It’s been an up and down year for me. I made a best friend and lost a best friend. I fell in and out of love. I moved homes, and switched jobs. I have had moments of suffering and experienced a multitude of joys.
I have lived.
In many ways, as I sit here and write this on the last day of my year, I feel like I have taken more steps back then forward. But this is not the truth. Life is a series of falls and rises. Some of them are big and alter our lives in profound ways. Some of them are small and seemingly inconsequential. But all our falls are opportunities to rise, having grown and hopefully bettered ourselves.
I am in the middle of a fall at present. From Miss Sucky’s perspective, my whole world is crumbling around me and melting into an abyss of nothingness. Miss Awesome knows better. What seems like a never ending merry –go-round of pain and agony is in actuality only temporal. This too shall pass. I can and will pick myself up from the ashes and rise again. And instead of fighting it, I have decided to embrace this fall. I know that even in my hurt, my brokenness and my disillusionment, that my life still is something beautiful and worth fighting for.
I’ve had moments recently when Miss Sucky has swept in with her pessimistic attitude and laid out a pretty convincing reason or two to give up. But I am not Miss Sucky. I am Miss Awesome, and even in this pit of despair, that is my truth. So I look back over the year with mixed feelings but no regrets. I am glad that I am so capable of loving. That I am willing to be in touch with my emotions and give them room. So many people allow their past hurts to stay with them. They carry them forward into the next chapters of their lives and allow those hurts to tarnish all that they touch.
It is my mission to not let all my pain color and distort my future. Bad things befall us all. Life is hard. It hurts. Sometimes we take a sucker punch to the jaw. But we must find a way to move beyond the pieces. I refuse to allow my past and current hurts to dictate my coming year. Instead, I look forward to 2012. May it be a year of growth. May I fall and rise again and again. I welcome its breath on my face. I anticipate that, like previous years, 2012 will be one of highs and lows. I have learnt so much this past year. Most of this learning has come from the fires of suffering. But I am a better, stronger and healthier person for those experiences. Miss Sucky may tremble at the thought of another oncoming year, but Miss Awesome raises up her hands and shouts “Here I am!” So thank you 2011, for all that has been. And Welcome 2012…. May this year be as rich and chaotic and challenging and wonderful as those that have come before.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
What a Girl Wants
What do I really want?
It's a question I've been asking myself for a while now. Truthfully, this post is probably a little too personal for comfort. But this blog is about my life and this is the "Year of the Sally," so personal is what I need to be right now. Actually, honest is what I need to be right now.
I've lost my way. Somewhere between the need to be true to myself, I've found that I've been covering up who I am. Why? Mostly because I've let my self doubt invade my mind and step all over my dreams.And it's not just my self doubt, fear and insecurity that's been having a field day inwardly. It's other people. I'm an emotional being. I feel strongly, deeply and openly. This is a great attribute, but sometimes it can lead me down paths that should not be forged or traversed. People will step all over people like me. I'm kind, generous, forgiving, honest, sincere and, as time proves over and over again, easily taken advantage of. So what does someone like me do to maintain those attributes which are so precious and rare without being a stomping ground for broken and burdened people? I haven't quite found the answer to that yet.
Some of my friends suggest I harden up. But I don't think that is necessarily the answer. The world is full of hardened people. It's easier to build gates and walls and block the entrance ways to your heart and head. It's simpler to set yourself in a fortress where no stones or sticks or people can reach you. I don't want to build walls around my life to be easier or simpler just in order to "harden" up. Humanity needs people like me- big old softies with compassion and empathy and a willingness to love freely and without judgment. We are a rare breed and everyday we risk extinction by being willing to put ourselves out there. So I'm fighting for my survival. I'm fighting to stay true to who i am. But, and there is a but, I need to learn how to still be me and not just a doormat.
This is gonna be difficult. Maybe even impossible.
We are broken people. Every single person on this planet has been broken somewhere along the way. Some of these breaks are teeny tiny, invisible to the naked eye. Some breaks are so massive they are like a gaping vortex of destruction- sucking along everyone and everything in its path. It's OK to be broken- it is a part of being human. What's not OK is to use your brokenness as an excuse to hurt and destroy others.
So what do I want? Really, truly want? The answer lies within. It has always been there- etched in my soul. It's time that I fought for it. For myself. It's time I stood up and chased the dream, the desire, the insatiable need to expand my horizons and fulfill my purpose. It's time that this girl stopped focusing on others to the detriment of her own hopes and dreams. I love people. I am excited and passionate about helping others be all they can be. It's about time that I took that same enthusiasm and drive for others and applied it to myself. It's long overdue.
It's a question I've been asking myself for a while now. Truthfully, this post is probably a little too personal for comfort. But this blog is about my life and this is the "Year of the Sally," so personal is what I need to be right now. Actually, honest is what I need to be right now.
I've lost my way. Somewhere between the need to be true to myself, I've found that I've been covering up who I am. Why? Mostly because I've let my self doubt invade my mind and step all over my dreams.And it's not just my self doubt, fear and insecurity that's been having a field day inwardly. It's other people. I'm an emotional being. I feel strongly, deeply and openly. This is a great attribute, but sometimes it can lead me down paths that should not be forged or traversed. People will step all over people like me. I'm kind, generous, forgiving, honest, sincere and, as time proves over and over again, easily taken advantage of. So what does someone like me do to maintain those attributes which are so precious and rare without being a stomping ground for broken and burdened people? I haven't quite found the answer to that yet.
Some of my friends suggest I harden up. But I don't think that is necessarily the answer. The world is full of hardened people. It's easier to build gates and walls and block the entrance ways to your heart and head. It's simpler to set yourself in a fortress where no stones or sticks or people can reach you. I don't want to build walls around my life to be easier or simpler just in order to "harden" up. Humanity needs people like me- big old softies with compassion and empathy and a willingness to love freely and without judgment. We are a rare breed and everyday we risk extinction by being willing to put ourselves out there. So I'm fighting for my survival. I'm fighting to stay true to who i am. But, and there is a but, I need to learn how to still be me and not just a doormat.
This is gonna be difficult. Maybe even impossible.
We are broken people. Every single person on this planet has been broken somewhere along the way. Some of these breaks are teeny tiny, invisible to the naked eye. Some breaks are so massive they are like a gaping vortex of destruction- sucking along everyone and everything in its path. It's OK to be broken- it is a part of being human. What's not OK is to use your brokenness as an excuse to hurt and destroy others.
So what do I want? Really, truly want? The answer lies within. It has always been there- etched in my soul. It's time that I fought for it. For myself. It's time I stood up and chased the dream, the desire, the insatiable need to expand my horizons and fulfill my purpose. It's time that this girl stopped focusing on others to the detriment of her own hopes and dreams. I love people. I am excited and passionate about helping others be all they can be. It's about time that I took that same enthusiasm and drive for others and applied it to myself. It's long overdue.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Dad
Eleven years ago, my life was irrevocably changed. The world and what I knew of it ceased to exist. Time has ticked away, as it has always done, moving moments and years between the day my whole world imploded and now. I am not the girl I was before October 9th 2000. I am more jaded, more honest, more grateful.
Death changes you. It challenges us to take stock of our lives. My Father's passing was the single most traumatic and hideous experience of my life. Worse than anything else that can be imagined is losing someone you love so much. When death touches us, as it inevitably does, it forces us to face our own mortality and that of those we love. In a weird way it is the gift death offers us. As I sit here, thinking about the man I was blessed to call dad I can't help but wonder what might have been had he lived. Where would my life have gone had I had my dad to lean on? Would I have married? Had children? Pushed harder for my career? Would I have the relationship I share now with my mother and siblings?
Losing my father forced me to grow up. It forces me now, to hold dear this precious gift I've been given. Life is short. We should make it count. So today, as I contemplate my fathers life and my loss, I pledge following:
I promise to always remember that life is what you make of it. Hard times will come and go. Pain will wrap itself around me. Despair will roll in like a thunderstorm on a cloudy day. But life is a privilege and joy. And those tough times add depth and beauty to who I am.
I promise to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me. My father never let a day go by without telling and showing me he loved me. I strive to do the same for my friends and family.
I promise that even when I feel down and out...I won't give up or give in. I will hold onto the truth that I am Miss Awesome and life is beautiful.
I promise to take my life and make something of it...in whatever way i can. And be of service and comfort to others.
I was a lucky girl. My father was an amazing man. Here I am eleven years on, and time has only solidified what I remember of my father. He was generous, kind, intelligent and witty. He had an infectious laugh,and such a mischievous sparkle in his blue eyes. He was compassionate and always went above and beyond to help and support others. He was gentle and strong and I never once doubted my fathers love. I only hope that I can be a true reflection of my father and that coupled with my own talents, ideas and personality traits, I can be a woman who makes a difference. And make my father proud.
Love you Daddy
Death changes you. It challenges us to take stock of our lives. My Father's passing was the single most traumatic and hideous experience of my life. Worse than anything else that can be imagined is losing someone you love so much. When death touches us, as it inevitably does, it forces us to face our own mortality and that of those we love. In a weird way it is the gift death offers us. As I sit here, thinking about the man I was blessed to call dad I can't help but wonder what might have been had he lived. Where would my life have gone had I had my dad to lean on? Would I have married? Had children? Pushed harder for my career? Would I have the relationship I share now with my mother and siblings?
Losing my father forced me to grow up. It forces me now, to hold dear this precious gift I've been given. Life is short. We should make it count. So today, as I contemplate my fathers life and my loss, I pledge following:
I promise to always remember that life is what you make of it. Hard times will come and go. Pain will wrap itself around me. Despair will roll in like a thunderstorm on a cloudy day. But life is a privilege and joy. And those tough times add depth and beauty to who I am.
I promise to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me. My father never let a day go by without telling and showing me he loved me. I strive to do the same for my friends and family.
I promise that even when I feel down and out...I won't give up or give in. I will hold onto the truth that I am Miss Awesome and life is beautiful.
I promise to take my life and make something of it...in whatever way i can. And be of service and comfort to others.
I was a lucky girl. My father was an amazing man. Here I am eleven years on, and time has only solidified what I remember of my father. He was generous, kind, intelligent and witty. He had an infectious laugh,and such a mischievous sparkle in his blue eyes. He was compassionate and always went above and beyond to help and support others. He was gentle and strong and I never once doubted my fathers love. I only hope that I can be a true reflection of my father and that coupled with my own talents, ideas and personality traits, I can be a woman who makes a difference. And make my father proud.
Love you Daddy
Monday, August 8, 2011
Think, Feel, Do
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do."
John Ruskin
I am a big thinker. I think constantly. I over-analyze. I weigh up all the percentages. I contemplate, I fret, I go round and round in circles until I wear myself out with all this thinking. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE to think! I'm glad that underneath this mass of blonde hair lies grey matter that is vibrant and energetic and full of wonderful thoughts. I'm grateful that I have a brain that gets regularly exercised (more than my body to be honest :/ ) and that it is the source of my creativity, my intelligence and my wit. Let's face it folks- this blog would suck bigger than the gravitational pull of a black hole in space if my brain wasn't at least a little bit awesome :)
But as much as thinking can be your friend...it can also be your foe. We've all had those restless nights where the switch in your brain is broken (or in my case, seems to go on rambling holidays to unknown destinations) and nothing seems to be able to stop the flood of thoughts from swirling around like an ill-gotten vortex. You lie there willing yourself to shut down, or at the very least go on 'standby' so that you can slip into the merciful being we know as unconsciousness. And yet, in spite of yourself, in spite of silent pleas and exasperated sighs and the odd flung pillow, you remain caught up in your thoughts. Like a spider web, and you're the fly.
Thinking thoughts are both blight and balm to existence. We can't live without them- but sometimes it sure would be nice to lock them up in a nice little box and toss aside the keys :)
The quote at the top of this blog got me thinking, ironic I know, about what it means to live. Now I am certainly no Philosopher, but I do agree that its not insomuch what we think or even feel that creates our life, it is in what we do.
Life is about motion. It's about living and doing and being. It's not a spectator sport. It's not a test. It's not lived out in pages or screens or day dreams. Life is happening, here, now. A life with no regrets requires action. Like someone? Tell em! Want something? go after it! It really seems ridiculously simple, but at the heart of it all- life is simply a series of actions. And we all make choices based on thoughts and feelings and being... And doing nothing is as much an action as doing something.
So the lesson Miss Awesome is striving for this week, is to LIVE! To not just be content to wallow in thoughts or get caught up in feelings- but to take the thoughts and feelings and apply them into forward motion. Time to step up and out, and take the risk. After all, what's the worst that can happen? I might fail, I might be rejected and maybe even make a few bad judgement calls along the way...but life is worth the risk and it's all about the doing.
"What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do."
John Ruskin
I am a big thinker. I think constantly. I over-analyze. I weigh up all the percentages. I contemplate, I fret, I go round and round in circles until I wear myself out with all this thinking. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE to think! I'm glad that underneath this mass of blonde hair lies grey matter that is vibrant and energetic and full of wonderful thoughts. I'm grateful that I have a brain that gets regularly exercised (more than my body to be honest :/ ) and that it is the source of my creativity, my intelligence and my wit. Let's face it folks- this blog would suck bigger than the gravitational pull of a black hole in space if my brain wasn't at least a little bit awesome :)
But as much as thinking can be your friend...it can also be your foe. We've all had those restless nights where the switch in your brain is broken (or in my case, seems to go on rambling holidays to unknown destinations) and nothing seems to be able to stop the flood of thoughts from swirling around like an ill-gotten vortex. You lie there willing yourself to shut down, or at the very least go on 'standby' so that you can slip into the merciful being we know as unconsciousness. And yet, in spite of yourself, in spite of silent pleas and exasperated sighs and the odd flung pillow, you remain caught up in your thoughts. Like a spider web, and you're the fly.
Thinking thoughts are both blight and balm to existence. We can't live without them- but sometimes it sure would be nice to lock them up in a nice little box and toss aside the keys :)
The quote at the top of this blog got me thinking, ironic I know, about what it means to live. Now I am certainly no Philosopher, but I do agree that its not insomuch what we think or even feel that creates our life, it is in what we do.
Life is about motion. It's about living and doing and being. It's not a spectator sport. It's not a test. It's not lived out in pages or screens or day dreams. Life is happening, here, now. A life with no regrets requires action. Like someone? Tell em! Want something? go after it! It really seems ridiculously simple, but at the heart of it all- life is simply a series of actions. And we all make choices based on thoughts and feelings and being... And doing nothing is as much an action as doing something.
So the lesson Miss Awesome is striving for this week, is to LIVE! To not just be content to wallow in thoughts or get caught up in feelings- but to take the thoughts and feelings and apply them into forward motion. Time to step up and out, and take the risk. After all, what's the worst that can happen? I might fail, I might be rejected and maybe even make a few bad judgement calls along the way...but life is worth the risk and it's all about the doing.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude
John Lennon was stating the obvious when he said "Life is what happens to us when we are busy making other plans." Life happens whether we are ready or not. And not everything that comes our way is gonna make us happy. Let's face it, sometimes the things that happen to us really suck. But every life experience is an opportunity to learn. Learn about ourselves, about others, about the world and hopefully those lessons, if carefully cultivated, allow us to become the best person we can be.
I believe that every life experience that comes our way, every bump in the road, every blimp on the radar, every hurdle, every rise and every fall or blazed trail, every hit or miss; all of it shapes us. All serves to enrich us. But so often when bad things happen, we are so busy focused on the calamity of the situation that we can't see the good. Bad things happen. Each of us are burdened by sorrows and tragedies. We who live, suffer. We lose loved ones and sometimes even ourselves. Pain etches its name upon our soul. Hearts can be irrevocably broken. Our minds can falter and decay. Anger can stifle the beauty of who we are. And we can let those wounds fester and infect until what once could have been an opportunity for growth and beauty becomes an ugly scar upon our own humanity.
I've been thinking a lot about attitude lately. I don't always have the best attitude. I can be surly and rude. I can be condescending and obnoxious. To put it bluntly; I can be a real bitch. But I take some comfort in knowing that this applies to everyone else in existence too. I'm not alone in my wretchedness!
We can often let our attitude be the focus of our corresponding behavior. I HATE working on beautiful days because it sucks to be stuck in doors. Miss Sucky will bemoan the fact. She resents being tethered to a desk and telephone cord and glued to a computer screen. This can make for a grumpy Sally - and that ain't a good thing for anybody! Miss Awesome, however, appreciates that she at least has a window from which to gaze upon a day full of blue shies and sunshine. She appreciates that she has a job which provides her an income and therefore a home she loves and a lifestyle that she can enjoy. I am blessed.
Sometimes it is hard for us to recognize our blessings. Sometimes, we feel like we have to go searching for them. Yet most of the time they are right there in front of us, if we would but choose to see them. It's time to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. This doesn't mean that i can't have moments where I am Miss Sucky- but it should mean those moments become fewer and shorter! It's time to focus on all that is right and good and wonderful in my life, rather than invest energy in what is not. Life can get in the way of recognizing all our good. We can get in the way of recognizing all our good. So the lesson I am trying to learn and retain is to cultivate an attitude that celebrates my good. To grow an attitude that honors my successes and my struggles. I want to embrace my life - all of it. I want to recognize that even when I feel down and out, even when I feel lost and low, that that is still a chance to rejoice in this amazing gift that I have been given.
I believe that every life experience that comes our way, every bump in the road, every blimp on the radar, every hurdle, every rise and every fall or blazed trail, every hit or miss; all of it shapes us. All serves to enrich us. But so often when bad things happen, we are so busy focused on the calamity of the situation that we can't see the good. Bad things happen. Each of us are burdened by sorrows and tragedies. We who live, suffer. We lose loved ones and sometimes even ourselves. Pain etches its name upon our soul. Hearts can be irrevocably broken. Our minds can falter and decay. Anger can stifle the beauty of who we are. And we can let those wounds fester and infect until what once could have been an opportunity for growth and beauty becomes an ugly scar upon our own humanity.
I've been thinking a lot about attitude lately. I don't always have the best attitude. I can be surly and rude. I can be condescending and obnoxious. To put it bluntly; I can be a real bitch. But I take some comfort in knowing that this applies to everyone else in existence too. I'm not alone in my wretchedness!
We can often let our attitude be the focus of our corresponding behavior. I HATE working on beautiful days because it sucks to be stuck in doors. Miss Sucky will bemoan the fact. She resents being tethered to a desk and telephone cord and glued to a computer screen. This can make for a grumpy Sally - and that ain't a good thing for anybody! Miss Awesome, however, appreciates that she at least has a window from which to gaze upon a day full of blue shies and sunshine. She appreciates that she has a job which provides her an income and therefore a home she loves and a lifestyle that she can enjoy. I am blessed.
Sometimes it is hard for us to recognize our blessings. Sometimes, we feel like we have to go searching for them. Yet most of the time they are right there in front of us, if we would but choose to see them. It's time to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. This doesn't mean that i can't have moments where I am Miss Sucky- but it should mean those moments become fewer and shorter! It's time to focus on all that is right and good and wonderful in my life, rather than invest energy in what is not. Life can get in the way of recognizing all our good. We can get in the way of recognizing all our good. So the lesson I am trying to learn and retain is to cultivate an attitude that celebrates my good. To grow an attitude that honors my successes and my struggles. I want to embrace my life - all of it. I want to recognize that even when I feel down and out, even when I feel lost and low, that that is still a chance to rejoice in this amazing gift that I have been given.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
judgement
I have come to a decision about my life. I'm going to stop letting people walk all over me. I'm going to allow myself to be free and not live under unrealistic obligations. I'm going to listen to what is right for me, and do what is right for me in every situation i face. I'm going to stop feeling pressured by myself and by those around me. I'm going to walk my own path and not get stuck in the ruts of others expectations. I'm going to put ME first, at least once in a while.
I'm not very good to myself. Even though I declare this to be the "year of the Sally," it still has been very much the year of everybody else. My focus has been on how to make those in my life feel happy and safe and free and yet I often have to suppress my true thoughts or feelings. Why do I do this? Why do any of us! three small words come to mind: To avoid conflict.
I don't want people to dislike me, or feel like I am judging them for the choices they make. But judging is also a part of human nature. I avoid it like the plague, but I'm guilty of it just the same. And I have been judging people. Not in what they do or things they say or how they live their lives, but in how I think they judge me. I keep people at bay, passing judgment on how I think they'll perceive me. Which makes me think- when we judge people are we really judging them or does it come back to how we feel about ourselves? Maybe everything we do or think about others is, in actuality, a truer reflection of how we think and feel about who we are.
just something to think about
I'm not very good to myself. Even though I declare this to be the "year of the Sally," it still has been very much the year of everybody else. My focus has been on how to make those in my life feel happy and safe and free and yet I often have to suppress my true thoughts or feelings. Why do I do this? Why do any of us! three small words come to mind: To avoid conflict.
I don't want people to dislike me, or feel like I am judging them for the choices they make. But judging is also a part of human nature. I avoid it like the plague, but I'm guilty of it just the same. And I have been judging people. Not in what they do or things they say or how they live their lives, but in how I think they judge me. I keep people at bay, passing judgment on how I think they'll perceive me. Which makes me think- when we judge people are we really judging them or does it come back to how we feel about ourselves? Maybe everything we do or think about others is, in actuality, a truer reflection of how we think and feel about who we are.
just something to think about
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Choices
I don't generally watch the news. Mostly because I seldom watch TV,and I work until 8pm, but there is also something to be said for the depressing nature of the majority of mainstream news stories. But today I found myself at home, with no internet (it's a new house and we are still waiting...as patiently as one can in this world of me and now!) and a poor selection of channels to surf. So I stumbled across an early news broadcast and thought I might as well see what was happening out there in the world. One short news article later, I was done and thoroughly dejected. The story was about how the body of an elderly woman was discovered in her home. Eight years after she had been deceased. Eight years and no one had missed her.
The thought that someone can live a lifetime, die and not be missed is not just depressing, but truly hideous. Sadly it says a lot about the way she lived her life, and about the way our society takes care of each other. Or to be more blunt- doesn't take care of each other.
How does one live to be almost in their eighties and not have anyone notice their death? It gets me worried. I mean, potentially this could happen to me. It won't obviously, because I am Miss Awesome, but Miss Sucky is freaking out just a smidge! What made this woman get to her 79th year and not have a friend or family member in all the world to check up on her? How could she have spent all those years on this earth and be forgotten?
None of us want to be forgotten. We want to leave an indelible mark on at least one person. Well I know I do! I feel so sad for this poor woman who must have lived as she died...alone. I don't know the circumstances surrounding her death or her life, but can only imagine that it must have been a lonely existence if she lay there on her bedroom floor, decaying for eight years and no one was any the wiser. It is a powerful lesson in how tragic life is when we live only for ourselves.
So my thought for today is this: To live a life that matters. Not just to me but to those around me. Life is not about closing yourself off to the world and shutting people out. I know what it's like to want to walk away from humanity. I have been so deeply wounded at times that I have considered becoming a hermit. I'm totally serious, which for those that know me would think a ridiculous notion and one that I would be incapable of sticking too. It is true that I am a social butterfly and I thrive with human contact but I understand the sometimes insatiable need to run away from all things human because sometimes the world is a dark and scary place. It's a defense mechanism to withdraw from people when we are hurting. Life hurts sometimes. It really does. Life creates pain and chaos and sometimes etches deep wounds into our hearts and minds. But to pull away from people, from all that this world has to offer us because of pain, creates a mentality of victimization and cultivates hearts that were never meant to grow hard. We do ourselves a disservice by sounding a long term retreat.
We know nothing about this woman's life. I don't know why she had no family or friends or even neighbors that noticed she was missing from their lives. What a lonely existence she must have forged for herself. One where she belonged nowhere and to no one. As a single woman it gives me pause to think. But I know that her fate need not be my own, nor be any ones destiny. Life is a series of choices. I choose to live life. I choose to make people an important part of my life. I choose to not be a victim but to take the knocks and curve balls and pain and become a better Miss Awesome. Life is not a game but it does require activate participation. I choose to participate. How about you?
The thought that someone can live a lifetime, die and not be missed is not just depressing, but truly hideous. Sadly it says a lot about the way she lived her life, and about the way our society takes care of each other. Or to be more blunt- doesn't take care of each other.
How does one live to be almost in their eighties and not have anyone notice their death? It gets me worried. I mean, potentially this could happen to me. It won't obviously, because I am Miss Awesome, but Miss Sucky is freaking out just a smidge! What made this woman get to her 79th year and not have a friend or family member in all the world to check up on her? How could she have spent all those years on this earth and be forgotten?
None of us want to be forgotten. We want to leave an indelible mark on at least one person. Well I know I do! I feel so sad for this poor woman who must have lived as she died...alone. I don't know the circumstances surrounding her death or her life, but can only imagine that it must have been a lonely existence if she lay there on her bedroom floor, decaying for eight years and no one was any the wiser. It is a powerful lesson in how tragic life is when we live only for ourselves.
So my thought for today is this: To live a life that matters. Not just to me but to those around me. Life is not about closing yourself off to the world and shutting people out. I know what it's like to want to walk away from humanity. I have been so deeply wounded at times that I have considered becoming a hermit. I'm totally serious, which for those that know me would think a ridiculous notion and one that I would be incapable of sticking too. It is true that I am a social butterfly and I thrive with human contact but I understand the sometimes insatiable need to run away from all things human because sometimes the world is a dark and scary place. It's a defense mechanism to withdraw from people when we are hurting. Life hurts sometimes. It really does. Life creates pain and chaos and sometimes etches deep wounds into our hearts and minds. But to pull away from people, from all that this world has to offer us because of pain, creates a mentality of victimization and cultivates hearts that were never meant to grow hard. We do ourselves a disservice by sounding a long term retreat.
We know nothing about this woman's life. I don't know why she had no family or friends or even neighbors that noticed she was missing from their lives. What a lonely existence she must have forged for herself. One where she belonged nowhere and to no one. As a single woman it gives me pause to think. But I know that her fate need not be my own, nor be any ones destiny. Life is a series of choices. I choose to live life. I choose to make people an important part of my life. I choose to not be a victim but to take the knocks and curve balls and pain and become a better Miss Awesome. Life is not a game but it does require activate participation. I choose to participate. How about you?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Birthdays
Yip. It's that time of year again. Party, presents, people and, in Miss Sucky's view, pain! I love my birthday. And I loathe my birthday. I know what you are thinking; You think that I don't like getting older! Well, it's not that I'm afraid of getting older that makes me loathe my birthday. My birthday is a badge of perseverance. I've made it thus far, through the storm and the dust and the clouds and the rain. I've survived this thing called life for another year, another day.
It's just that Miss Sucky likes to point out what I haven't done or how I haven't "made it"...again. Sometimes she can be bitchy enough to even suggest that there is nothing in my life worth celebrating... especially not turning another year older.
Miss Sucky can really dampen the mood. Like today, she's all sullen and blue moods about turning another year older with some major boxes still left unchecked. She doesn't feel old, she just feels she can't quite justify the celebration of ticking time when there is still so much to be done. So thanks to Miss Sucky, even though I think birthdays are worth the celebration, I'm also a teeny tiny bit afraid of them.
I'm afraid of what I have failed to accomplish and another year just brings all my 'failed to do's' fresh to mind. It's also hard to get to this point in my thirties and know that almost every person you tell your age to, will pass judgment. I don't have a house, a husband, a thriving career as a writer/actor, children to tuck into bed at night, or even a working car at this point! I know all this. Thanks but I really don't need the reminder. It's like when people tell you to "drive safe." Really? Actually, I WAS planning on driving like a maniac but now that you've mentioned it.... state the obvious!
People ask me things like "Don't you want to get married?" "Don't you want to have children?" Yes. And I also want world peace, an unlimited supply of money and a Porsche... that doesn't mean I will ever live to see world peace or rock around in my brand new Boxster outside of my dreams!
I do want to get married. But I also don't want to settle. Settling to me is worse than death, because you have to live with it. I know too many people who settle and suffer for the decisions they make based on fear or pressure or expectation. For some people settling is all they can to do to survive the world, but I am not one of those people. I long for something more and I know that I have what it takes to reach my goals. I can't afford to shackle myself to my insecurities or to settle for a life that does not make me feel complete. Truthfully, none of us can. But we so often do.
So I'm gaining another year. Miss Awesome is excited about that. She gets to continue her journey and who knows what might happen between this year and next. If I could turn back time (a trick I can actually perform once a year thanks to a little thing called daylight savings) I would probably aim for 25. It's the age where no one thinks you are too young to know what you are talking about, but not too old that you should know better. It's an age where it's OK to still be figuring things out. (When did we decide that we had to have things figured out?) Perhaps by my next birthday I can check a few more things off my list. And I'll have probably have added a few more to the list too. All I know is that I'm going to strive to count my blessings and enjoy each day. After all, it's not really the years in your life that matters but the life in your years.
It's just that Miss Sucky likes to point out what I haven't done or how I haven't "made it"...again. Sometimes she can be bitchy enough to even suggest that there is nothing in my life worth celebrating... especially not turning another year older.
Miss Sucky can really dampen the mood. Like today, she's all sullen and blue moods about turning another year older with some major boxes still left unchecked. She doesn't feel old, she just feels she can't quite justify the celebration of ticking time when there is still so much to be done. So thanks to Miss Sucky, even though I think birthdays are worth the celebration, I'm also a teeny tiny bit afraid of them.
I'm afraid of what I have failed to accomplish and another year just brings all my 'failed to do's' fresh to mind. It's also hard to get to this point in my thirties and know that almost every person you tell your age to, will pass judgment. I don't have a house, a husband, a thriving career as a writer/actor, children to tuck into bed at night, or even a working car at this point! I know all this. Thanks but I really don't need the reminder. It's like when people tell you to "drive safe." Really? Actually, I WAS planning on driving like a maniac but now that you've mentioned it.... state the obvious!
People ask me things like "Don't you want to get married?" "Don't you want to have children?" Yes. And I also want world peace, an unlimited supply of money and a Porsche... that doesn't mean I will ever live to see world peace or rock around in my brand new Boxster outside of my dreams!
I do want to get married. But I also don't want to settle. Settling to me is worse than death, because you have to live with it. I know too many people who settle and suffer for the decisions they make based on fear or pressure or expectation. For some people settling is all they can to do to survive the world, but I am not one of those people. I long for something more and I know that I have what it takes to reach my goals. I can't afford to shackle myself to my insecurities or to settle for a life that does not make me feel complete. Truthfully, none of us can. But we so often do.
So I'm gaining another year. Miss Awesome is excited about that. She gets to continue her journey and who knows what might happen between this year and next. If I could turn back time (a trick I can actually perform once a year thanks to a little thing called daylight savings) I would probably aim for 25. It's the age where no one thinks you are too young to know what you are talking about, but not too old that you should know better. It's an age where it's OK to still be figuring things out. (When did we decide that we had to have things figured out?) Perhaps by my next birthday I can check a few more things off my list. And I'll have probably have added a few more to the list too. All I know is that I'm going to strive to count my blessings and enjoy each day. After all, it's not really the years in your life that matters but the life in your years.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Step Out
Have you ever watched a butterfly hatch out of its chrysalis? There is a struggle in this rebirth, one that the butterfly must go through alone in order to be strong enough to fly. As a child, I wanted to help the butterfly out of its cocoon, but my help would have led to its certain death. It needed to find its own way out if it wanted to survive. Life can be a bit like that for all of us. Sometimes we have to let other people fight their own battles and find their own truth. That's not to say that we can't offer our support, our love, even our knowledge and personal experience. But we can't walk the road for them. Each of us has to do that part alone.
Life can be an arduous journey and a difficult road. It’s filled with pot holes, hill slides, debris, raging rivers and gentle meandering pathways. And while we can walk the roads together, ultimately, we are alone. So why do we invest so much time and energy in worrying about what others think about us?
I would hate to calculate the lost years I have spent in anxiety over what other people think of me. Truthfully, it shouldn’t really matter. But it does, doesn’t it! Because deep down, within all of us, there is that small child wanting approval, striving for recognition and craving love. This year, in my year of embracing my awesomeness, I am also hoping to shake off the things which have kept me bound to a lesser life. Most of the time, these shackles are self-imposed. I probably imagine other people’s expectations are greater than they really are. I probably think that I factor in peoples minds more than I really do; which is kind of a self-centred way of looking at people if you think about it. I’ve been so caught up wondering what other people think of me when in truth they are probably doing the exact same thing.
It’s time to break out of own our bindings and live the life we were destined for. I’ll use my kindred spirit as an example. He is my best friend, and probably one of the few people who know me almost as well as I know myself. He is one of the most honest people I know, but for years he had denied a part of himself, who he was and is, all the while living in the shadows of all he should be. My kindred spirit recently shared some news with me. I was the first person he shared this news with and it was an honour for me to be there as he took that first step on his road to embracing himself as a whole person. Call it 'coming out' or 'stepping out,' what my friend did was acknowledge that he was living a life that was tainted by half truths and hidden deceit. As he has acknowledged who he is, I have witnessed a metamorphosis of a man who was enslaved by expectations and fear to one who is free. It's been a beautiful thing to watch. Life is a journey to self-discovery. And not just in the discovery of who we are, but how we can be the best of ourselves. But we can’t be the best of ourselves without stepping out into who we are.
I have been smart enough (alright, more likely just lucky enough) to surround myself with people who inspire me in some way every day. My closest allies are those whom I know encourage me to walk my own path and they give me the courage to step out and let the real me shine through. I only hope that I do the same for others. My kindred spirit has been an instigator in setting me free. His love and total acceptance of who I am, regardless of whether I am channelling Miss Awesome or subjecting the world to Miss Sucky, has meant that I am much more settled and much more confident in showing the world who I am. It’s given me the security to step into who I should be. He encourages me, but ultimately, it’s up to me to travel the road. Just like the butterfly, who must use its wings to find the strength to fly, I must use my inner tenacity to achieve my dreams and live my life being true and awesome and whole.
Life can be an arduous journey and a difficult road. It’s filled with pot holes, hill slides, debris, raging rivers and gentle meandering pathways. And while we can walk the roads together, ultimately, we are alone. So why do we invest so much time and energy in worrying about what others think about us?
I would hate to calculate the lost years I have spent in anxiety over what other people think of me. Truthfully, it shouldn’t really matter. But it does, doesn’t it! Because deep down, within all of us, there is that small child wanting approval, striving for recognition and craving love. This year, in my year of embracing my awesomeness, I am also hoping to shake off the things which have kept me bound to a lesser life. Most of the time, these shackles are self-imposed. I probably imagine other people’s expectations are greater than they really are. I probably think that I factor in peoples minds more than I really do; which is kind of a self-centred way of looking at people if you think about it. I’ve been so caught up wondering what other people think of me when in truth they are probably doing the exact same thing.
It’s time to break out of own our bindings and live the life we were destined for. I’ll use my kindred spirit as an example. He is my best friend, and probably one of the few people who know me almost as well as I know myself. He is one of the most honest people I know, but for years he had denied a part of himself, who he was and is, all the while living in the shadows of all he should be. My kindred spirit recently shared some news with me. I was the first person he shared this news with and it was an honour for me to be there as he took that first step on his road to embracing himself as a whole person. Call it 'coming out' or 'stepping out,' what my friend did was acknowledge that he was living a life that was tainted by half truths and hidden deceit. As he has acknowledged who he is, I have witnessed a metamorphosis of a man who was enslaved by expectations and fear to one who is free. It's been a beautiful thing to watch. Life is a journey to self-discovery. And not just in the discovery of who we are, but how we can be the best of ourselves. But we can’t be the best of ourselves without stepping out into who we are.
I have been smart enough (alright, more likely just lucky enough) to surround myself with people who inspire me in some way every day. My closest allies are those whom I know encourage me to walk my own path and they give me the courage to step out and let the real me shine through. I only hope that I do the same for others. My kindred spirit has been an instigator in setting me free. His love and total acceptance of who I am, regardless of whether I am channelling Miss Awesome or subjecting the world to Miss Sucky, has meant that I am much more settled and much more confident in showing the world who I am. It’s given me the security to step into who I should be. He encourages me, but ultimately, it’s up to me to travel the road. Just like the butterfly, who must use its wings to find the strength to fly, I must use my inner tenacity to achieve my dreams and live my life being true and awesome and whole.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
In Sickness and In Health...In Sickness
This week my body has compelled me to long periods of time with it. Alone. Now, this is not to say that I don't already spend a lot of time with my body. It's not like it vacations in St. Barts while I check out the sights of San Diego! Me and my body are inseparable, just like everyone else. But you get used to running around doing your thing, you know, a little thing we like to call life when WHAM! your body nails you. That's been my week.
On Monday, I was feeling fantastic! I was perky, I was playful, I was dancing in strawberry fields...you get the idea. I was gooooood! Then, at about 3.45pm (give or take- I didn't document the exact moment it occurred) a small herd of elephants decided to leave the Serengeti and instead set up residence on my chest. By the time my shift finished a few hrs later my voice had gone AWOL and breathing had become an art form.
The Doctors visit the next day confirmed the obvious. Yes, I was sick. A chest infection had formed an alliance against me and now it was up to my body and the many drugs the doctor had given me to head off the attack.
It's now Saturday and I'm over the self-imposed solitude. And for the first time in days, the pangs of hunger indicated that perhaps it was time to eat. I had tried foraging a few times with limited results. Now as I ransacked the kitchen once more I realized that it was the mall or the remnants of the peanut butter jar. I found some cheese in the fridge which gave me false hope at first. Till I looked at it. Covered in mold (and not the good kind) and the expiry date (let's not go there) suggested this cheese would not be eaten by me or anyone else. (Note to self: At least try to look in the fridge once in a while!) So with moldy cheese and peanut butter as the deciding factor there was no choice but to get out of the house.
I had avoided the mall for the following reasons. Firstly, I hate the mall, especially on the weekends. It's loud and crowded and I detest those little shops that aren't really shops, you know the ones where you avoid making eye contact and pretend to be deaf (or on the phone) in the vain hope they won't accost you trying to sell hand cream or hair curlers or other nonsense as you try to make your way past them. The mall would be full of boys with Beiber haircuts, giggling pre-teen girls and babies who cried altogether too much for my liking. The second reason was because I really don't like the selection of food at the food court. I'm trying to eat healthier so McDonald's and KFC were out. That left Sushi and fish and chips (allergic), roast meals (I make better ones myself for less cost) Indian, Kebabs or Chinese. I almost always choose Indian because its my favorite food in the entire world. But I wasn't in the mood for Indian. Problem was, I wasn't in the mood for anything. So, I went, knowing that I should eat, but not really wanting to. Even my stomach grumbling showed signs it was in need of nourishment. But when I got there, nothing looked appetizing. I waited, expecting my tummy to groan approval at something, anything. Nothing excited the palate. Nothing got my mouth watering. Nothing made my stomach roll around in eager anticipation. I was on my own. This wasn't good. Frantic texts to trusted sources. "Pizza" "Turkish" came back the response. My tummy disagreed. Eventually I went with Chinese. Noodles, vegetables and sweet and sour chicken. It was like eating rubber. Probably worse. The vegetables, which had looked lush and inviting on the plate were old and dull in my mouth. The sweet and sour chicken was neither sweet nor sour, simply blah and the noodles should have just been ashamed of themselves.
Which brings me to my point: Did my disappointment stem from the food being generally bad, or did I expect it to be bad and thus create my own outcome? Was the food bad because my taste buds are still on hiatus or is that all one can expect from a food court foray? I gave up after a few mouthfuls. My stomach grumbled. "You choose next time then." I inwardly scolded it.
Guess I'll be eating that peanut butter tonight after all.
On Monday, I was feeling fantastic! I was perky, I was playful, I was dancing in strawberry fields...you get the idea. I was gooooood! Then, at about 3.45pm (give or take- I didn't document the exact moment it occurred) a small herd of elephants decided to leave the Serengeti and instead set up residence on my chest. By the time my shift finished a few hrs later my voice had gone AWOL and breathing had become an art form.
The Doctors visit the next day confirmed the obvious. Yes, I was sick. A chest infection had formed an alliance against me and now it was up to my body and the many drugs the doctor had given me to head off the attack.
It's now Saturday and I'm over the self-imposed solitude. And for the first time in days, the pangs of hunger indicated that perhaps it was time to eat. I had tried foraging a few times with limited results. Now as I ransacked the kitchen once more I realized that it was the mall or the remnants of the peanut butter jar. I found some cheese in the fridge which gave me false hope at first. Till I looked at it. Covered in mold (and not the good kind) and the expiry date (let's not go there) suggested this cheese would not be eaten by me or anyone else. (Note to self: At least try to look in the fridge once in a while!) So with moldy cheese and peanut butter as the deciding factor there was no choice but to get out of the house.
I had avoided the mall for the following reasons. Firstly, I hate the mall, especially on the weekends. It's loud and crowded and I detest those little shops that aren't really shops, you know the ones where you avoid making eye contact and pretend to be deaf (or on the phone) in the vain hope they won't accost you trying to sell hand cream or hair curlers or other nonsense as you try to make your way past them. The mall would be full of boys with Beiber haircuts, giggling pre-teen girls and babies who cried altogether too much for my liking. The second reason was because I really don't like the selection of food at the food court. I'm trying to eat healthier so McDonald's and KFC were out. That left Sushi and fish and chips (allergic), roast meals (I make better ones myself for less cost) Indian, Kebabs or Chinese. I almost always choose Indian because its my favorite food in the entire world. But I wasn't in the mood for Indian. Problem was, I wasn't in the mood for anything. So, I went, knowing that I should eat, but not really wanting to. Even my stomach grumbling showed signs it was in need of nourishment. But when I got there, nothing looked appetizing. I waited, expecting my tummy to groan approval at something, anything. Nothing excited the palate. Nothing got my mouth watering. Nothing made my stomach roll around in eager anticipation. I was on my own. This wasn't good. Frantic texts to trusted sources. "Pizza" "Turkish" came back the response. My tummy disagreed. Eventually I went with Chinese. Noodles, vegetables and sweet and sour chicken. It was like eating rubber. Probably worse. The vegetables, which had looked lush and inviting on the plate were old and dull in my mouth. The sweet and sour chicken was neither sweet nor sour, simply blah and the noodles should have just been ashamed of themselves.
Which brings me to my point: Did my disappointment stem from the food being generally bad, or did I expect it to be bad and thus create my own outcome? Was the food bad because my taste buds are still on hiatus or is that all one can expect from a food court foray? I gave up after a few mouthfuls. My stomach grumbled. "You choose next time then." I inwardly scolded it.
Guess I'll be eating that peanut butter tonight after all.
Friday, June 17, 2011
we don't live by feelings alone
Life is not just about what happens to us. Stuff happens to us all day long. Boring, normal, everyday stuff; life is full of it. But it’s not only what happens to us that shapes our life. It's also in how we handle what happens. When we’re winning it feels like we are unstoppable. Those are the moments where we do our victory dance and shout aloud our brilliance from the rooftop. But then life doesn’t happen just when we’re winning. It happens when we’re losing too. It comes at us hard and fast, un-relentless and moving a mile per millisecond. What defines us is not the situation but our reaction, our action (or inaction) to what we are facing.
Life often feels like one giant character building exercise to me. And it's not always appreciated. Some days, when I’m already down for the count, I wish that there was a magic wand, a fairy godmother or a genie that could make all my problems disappear. It would be amazing if I could rub a lamp and poof…erase my money woes and be able to go back to school. But that is not the world we live in. My world is rough and complicated and stormy waters. I long for smooth sailing and pleasure and ease handed to me on silver platters. I want my life to be easy.
Or at least I think I do.
In theory the idea of having it all seems perfect. In truth, having put your own blood and tears and sweat into something is much more satisfying than having it given to you at no personal cost. The world is full of selfish, self-centered people who have no true meaning of what life is and what it means to appreciate it. Now, I'm not suggesting that if you don't come from hardship, that you can't appreciate your life. But what I am saying is that more often than not, suffering builds character. It creates empathy and it influences our world view. We all suffer, in some way or another. My life has been relatively hardship free...in comparison to most. Yet there are situations that I have had to face which have been defining moments in building my character and molding me into the person I am today.
Miss Sucky wants to curl up under the weight of those moments and give up. Miss Awesome understands that they give her opportunity to learn something new about herself. I have had moments lately where I have truly felt like giving up. Where the world has beaten and bruised me and I have lost heart and hope. Emotions are incredibly powerful, but also potentially dangerous. If I abandoned myself completely to my emotions, I would have killed myself dozens of times before now (well once is all it takes, but you know what I mean.) I can't live by feelings alone, just as it is unhealthy to shut off all feelings altogether. But that’s what we do. We live by how we feel or stuff our feelings down deep inside. Some of us, like me, tend to wear our thoughts and emotions out loud. And some bury their feelings under layers of rock and silt in the belief that they’ll keep themselves safe by denying the existence of what and how they feel. Neither way is right or wrong, but both can be improved upon.
I’m learning to not be a slave to how I feel, or how others make me feel. But I’m also learning that it’s OK to embrace who I am. I am a sensitive girl. I care deeply. And I’m passionate as hell. I don’t want to become complacent or become used to mediocrity. I don’t want to hide who I am from anyone, including myself. Miss Sucky thinks that perhaps I need to dial it down, live in the shadows and ‘fit in.’ But Miss Awesome knows that I was never meant to fit any preconceived notion and that trying to do so is detrimental to my health and well being. And quite frankly, me not being me doesn’t do me or anyone else any favors.
Look at yourself. Really look. Go and stand in front of a mirror if you have to. What do you see? Not just externally, but internally. Do you recognize yourself? Are you living true? Are you being the best person you can be or are you trying to live up to the worlds ideals? I have spent years trying to make myself in another’s image. And by doing so, I have denied the glorious being that I am destined to be. I may not be perfect (by what the world judges’ as perfection.) I may not be a lot of things. But I’m not meant to be a lot of things. I’m just meant to be me. That’s all any of us can be. So maybe, we should stop trying to live our lives according to other people’s expectations and embrace who we are. That’s what I’m attempting to do. It’s going to be a lifelong journey, but reaching the destination as a complete and whole Miss Awesome seems a whole lot more satisfying then reaching it as a shadow of all I might have been.
Feelings are good and important and worth honoring...but we shouldn't be obligated to them or shy away from them...it's about finding somewhere in the middle and living openly to who we are....maybe the mystery of life isn't about what we can discover externally. Maybe it's about what we are willing to discover internally.
Life often feels like one giant character building exercise to me. And it's not always appreciated. Some days, when I’m already down for the count, I wish that there was a magic wand, a fairy godmother or a genie that could make all my problems disappear. It would be amazing if I could rub a lamp and poof…erase my money woes and be able to go back to school. But that is not the world we live in. My world is rough and complicated and stormy waters. I long for smooth sailing and pleasure and ease handed to me on silver platters. I want my life to be easy.
Or at least I think I do.
In theory the idea of having it all seems perfect. In truth, having put your own blood and tears and sweat into something is much more satisfying than having it given to you at no personal cost. The world is full of selfish, self-centered people who have no true meaning of what life is and what it means to appreciate it. Now, I'm not suggesting that if you don't come from hardship, that you can't appreciate your life. But what I am saying is that more often than not, suffering builds character. It creates empathy and it influences our world view. We all suffer, in some way or another. My life has been relatively hardship free...in comparison to most. Yet there are situations that I have had to face which have been defining moments in building my character and molding me into the person I am today.
Miss Sucky wants to curl up under the weight of those moments and give up. Miss Awesome understands that they give her opportunity to learn something new about herself. I have had moments lately where I have truly felt like giving up. Where the world has beaten and bruised me and I have lost heart and hope. Emotions are incredibly powerful, but also potentially dangerous. If I abandoned myself completely to my emotions, I would have killed myself dozens of times before now (well once is all it takes, but you know what I mean.) I can't live by feelings alone, just as it is unhealthy to shut off all feelings altogether. But that’s what we do. We live by how we feel or stuff our feelings down deep inside. Some of us, like me, tend to wear our thoughts and emotions out loud. And some bury their feelings under layers of rock and silt in the belief that they’ll keep themselves safe by denying the existence of what and how they feel. Neither way is right or wrong, but both can be improved upon.
I’m learning to not be a slave to how I feel, or how others make me feel. But I’m also learning that it’s OK to embrace who I am. I am a sensitive girl. I care deeply. And I’m passionate as hell. I don’t want to become complacent or become used to mediocrity. I don’t want to hide who I am from anyone, including myself. Miss Sucky thinks that perhaps I need to dial it down, live in the shadows and ‘fit in.’ But Miss Awesome knows that I was never meant to fit any preconceived notion and that trying to do so is detrimental to my health and well being. And quite frankly, me not being me doesn’t do me or anyone else any favors.
Look at yourself. Really look. Go and stand in front of a mirror if you have to. What do you see? Not just externally, but internally. Do you recognize yourself? Are you living true? Are you being the best person you can be or are you trying to live up to the worlds ideals? I have spent years trying to make myself in another’s image. And by doing so, I have denied the glorious being that I am destined to be. I may not be perfect (by what the world judges’ as perfection.) I may not be a lot of things. But I’m not meant to be a lot of things. I’m just meant to be me. That’s all any of us can be. So maybe, we should stop trying to live our lives according to other people’s expectations and embrace who we are. That’s what I’m attempting to do. It’s going to be a lifelong journey, but reaching the destination as a complete and whole Miss Awesome seems a whole lot more satisfying then reaching it as a shadow of all I might have been.
Feelings are good and important and worth honoring...but we shouldn't be obligated to them or shy away from them...it's about finding somewhere in the middle and living openly to who we are....maybe the mystery of life isn't about what we can discover externally. Maybe it's about what we are willing to discover internally.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sometimes...
Life doesn't always go according to plan. This is a fact. And it sucks. Sometimes life leaves you wanting and sometimes it leaves you sprawled out on the ground in a big chaotic mess of misery. Sometimes, I really don't like my life. I don't like existing at all. Sometimes I wish I was nothing more than a dream, concocted out of imagination and faded away before any memory could take hold. But I'm here and this is now and really happening. And I should be more grateful about it!
In truth, I am totally grateful for the burden of being. I love so much about my life but those things can often be overshadowed by the all consuming reality of what life throws my way. Sometimes we are so caught up in everything we don’t have that we fail to appreciate all that we do. Miss Sucky is particularly good at focusing her energies on her ‘have not’s.’ And when you do that, when you spend all your time being aware of what you don’t have, you can’t savor what you do.
We need to take the blinders off and recognize that life is beautiful. We know this when things are going our way; it's just a lot more difficult to remember when things are not. We all have our moments when the Miss (or Mr.) Sucky comes out and we only see the decay not the decadence. I have my low moments when I feel completely abandoned, hopeless, helpless, unloved and unlovable. Where nothing I do or think or say seems to work in my favor. That’s Miss Sucky’s mindset and it’s not always easy to avoid, or overcome. But I need to remember that even as Miss Sucky, I have everything going for me. But on those dark and dreary days when it feels like the only thing going for me is a one way ticket to despair, it’s hard to remember that.
My mission lately is to adjust my focus, cultivate an attitude of gratitude and stop being so busy focusing on what I haven't yet achieved and start honoring all that I have thus far accomplished. I have survived heartaches and heartbreak, false friends and dreams that have not quite materialized. And I have been abundantly blessed with a kindred spirit, a family that supports me and living a life that has more opportunity than most people in this world will ever get. Miss Awesome knows how amazing her life is. She just has to get that through Miss Sucky's somewhat thick skull!
So the goal this week, and quite possibly forever, is to rejoice in what I have and what has come my way so far. To appreciate my successes that can’t always be measured. Now this isn’t to say that I’m going to vegetate on my couch and cease all visions of what I want my life to be. No, I will still be a dreamer. I will still hold on to what I think I should be doing with my life and work towards achieving that goal. But I’m gonna cut myself some slack. I’m going to stop letting Miss Sucky dictate to me about all my failings and allow Miss Awesome to congratulate me on my life thus far. I’m a pretty lucky girl.
In truth, I am totally grateful for the burden of being. I love so much about my life but those things can often be overshadowed by the all consuming reality of what life throws my way. Sometimes we are so caught up in everything we don’t have that we fail to appreciate all that we do. Miss Sucky is particularly good at focusing her energies on her ‘have not’s.’ And when you do that, when you spend all your time being aware of what you don’t have, you can’t savor what you do.
We need to take the blinders off and recognize that life is beautiful. We know this when things are going our way; it's just a lot more difficult to remember when things are not. We all have our moments when the Miss (or Mr.) Sucky comes out and we only see the decay not the decadence. I have my low moments when I feel completely abandoned, hopeless, helpless, unloved and unlovable. Where nothing I do or think or say seems to work in my favor. That’s Miss Sucky’s mindset and it’s not always easy to avoid, or overcome. But I need to remember that even as Miss Sucky, I have everything going for me. But on those dark and dreary days when it feels like the only thing going for me is a one way ticket to despair, it’s hard to remember that.
My mission lately is to adjust my focus, cultivate an attitude of gratitude and stop being so busy focusing on what I haven't yet achieved and start honoring all that I have thus far accomplished. I have survived heartaches and heartbreak, false friends and dreams that have not quite materialized. And I have been abundantly blessed with a kindred spirit, a family that supports me and living a life that has more opportunity than most people in this world will ever get. Miss Awesome knows how amazing her life is. She just has to get that through Miss Sucky's somewhat thick skull!
So the goal this week, and quite possibly forever, is to rejoice in what I have and what has come my way so far. To appreciate my successes that can’t always be measured. Now this isn’t to say that I’m going to vegetate on my couch and cease all visions of what I want my life to be. No, I will still be a dreamer. I will still hold on to what I think I should be doing with my life and work towards achieving that goal. But I’m gonna cut myself some slack. I’m going to stop letting Miss Sucky dictate to me about all my failings and allow Miss Awesome to congratulate me on my life thus far. I’m a pretty lucky girl.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
This moment
Life. We under appreciate it. We undervalue it. We belittle our existence and often feel beleaguered by it.
We spend our lives waiting for something to happen to us or for us.
We want, we hope, we dream and yet we seldom do.
We kick and scream when things don’t go our way (well, I know I do) and we curse the cosmos more frequently then we thank it.
We look at what we don’t have and forget to be grateful for all that we do.
We watch the seasons fade into each other, over and over again till years stretch out and we are left with the bitter taste of regret for a life half lived.
All we have is now. This moment. There will never be another moment like this one. Another day grows dark and the clock ticks forever forward. We cannot undo the mistakes of yesterday. The broken promises. The unfulfilled dreams. All we have is now. Here. Today.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately as I ponder what it is I’m supposed to be doing- really doing - with my life. And not even in the grand schemes of what I hope and dream to do, but in the small, everyday moments. For a long time I thought life was passing me by. I thought that somehow, the universe had conspired against me to take all that I am and hope to be and toss it aside like chaff in the wind. That’s Miss Sucky’s way of thinking. Miss Sucky wants others; anything and anyone to wear the blame for her own sorry self. But Miss Sucky put herself on the shelf. She got scared. What if the world rejected her as it surely must? What if she really doesn’t have the goods to make her dreams come true? What if her dreams are delusions, her ‘talents’ mere illusions? What if it all goes her way? Miss Sucky likes to think she’s brave, but it’s not brave to sit back and hide who you are. It’s not even prudent. It’s a shame. It’s a tragedy. Life is meant to be lived, in all its glory and agony. Life is meant to be pursued like a great love, savored like a fine wine, lived as though every moment counted. Cause truth is, every moment does count. The clock is ticking. I don’t want to hear regret with every tick forward. I want to live a life of purpose. I want to be Miss Awesome in all the moments of my life.
Some moments are easier lived than others, but every moment adds value to a life. We shape who we are and what we will become just as much as any of the people who traverse through our lives, or the obstacles, trials and triumphs we face. Life can be hard. It can be agonizingly painful. You can feel like you are just continually botching it up. Some days I feel like crawling into a black hole and folding in on myself until I’m obliterated from all existence. Some days, I don’t much like life at all and Miss Awesome has to work overtime to convince me otherwise. We should take it while we can get it because before too long it’s all over. The fat lady will sing and the lights will be put out and our dash will be done.
In “The Year of the Sally,” (feel free to insert your name here) it’s about recognizing that we have a choice to make each moment. Many moments will pass us by, seemingly indifferent and inconsequential. But there will be moments that will define the other moments around it; the minutes, hours, days that follow. So today, in this moment I pledge this to myself. I pledge that I will live consciously. I will strive to recognize those moments, big and small that define me. I pledge that I will endeavor to not get caught up in the things that don’t matter, and be receptive to the things that do. Today is my day. Here and now. It’s all I have and all that has been promised to me. I only get one life to be the best Sally I can be. There is much to do.
We spend our lives waiting for something to happen to us or for us.
We want, we hope, we dream and yet we seldom do.
We kick and scream when things don’t go our way (well, I know I do) and we curse the cosmos more frequently then we thank it.
We look at what we don’t have and forget to be grateful for all that we do.
We watch the seasons fade into each other, over and over again till years stretch out and we are left with the bitter taste of regret for a life half lived.
All we have is now. This moment. There will never be another moment like this one. Another day grows dark and the clock ticks forever forward. We cannot undo the mistakes of yesterday. The broken promises. The unfulfilled dreams. All we have is now. Here. Today.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately as I ponder what it is I’m supposed to be doing- really doing - with my life. And not even in the grand schemes of what I hope and dream to do, but in the small, everyday moments. For a long time I thought life was passing me by. I thought that somehow, the universe had conspired against me to take all that I am and hope to be and toss it aside like chaff in the wind. That’s Miss Sucky’s way of thinking. Miss Sucky wants others; anything and anyone to wear the blame for her own sorry self. But Miss Sucky put herself on the shelf. She got scared. What if the world rejected her as it surely must? What if she really doesn’t have the goods to make her dreams come true? What if her dreams are delusions, her ‘talents’ mere illusions? What if it all goes her way? Miss Sucky likes to think she’s brave, but it’s not brave to sit back and hide who you are. It’s not even prudent. It’s a shame. It’s a tragedy. Life is meant to be lived, in all its glory and agony. Life is meant to be pursued like a great love, savored like a fine wine, lived as though every moment counted. Cause truth is, every moment does count. The clock is ticking. I don’t want to hear regret with every tick forward. I want to live a life of purpose. I want to be Miss Awesome in all the moments of my life.
Some moments are easier lived than others, but every moment adds value to a life. We shape who we are and what we will become just as much as any of the people who traverse through our lives, or the obstacles, trials and triumphs we face. Life can be hard. It can be agonizingly painful. You can feel like you are just continually botching it up. Some days I feel like crawling into a black hole and folding in on myself until I’m obliterated from all existence. Some days, I don’t much like life at all and Miss Awesome has to work overtime to convince me otherwise. We should take it while we can get it because before too long it’s all over. The fat lady will sing and the lights will be put out and our dash will be done.
In “The Year of the Sally,” (feel free to insert your name here) it’s about recognizing that we have a choice to make each moment. Many moments will pass us by, seemingly indifferent and inconsequential. But there will be moments that will define the other moments around it; the minutes, hours, days that follow. So today, in this moment I pledge this to myself. I pledge that I will live consciously. I will strive to recognize those moments, big and small that define me. I pledge that I will endeavor to not get caught up in the things that don’t matter, and be receptive to the things that do. Today is my day. Here and now. It’s all I have and all that has been promised to me. I only get one life to be the best Sally I can be. There is much to do.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
To Thine Own Self Be True
I think at the root of everyone's problems is fear and self loathing. Certainly, that is at the root of my problems. Or maybe problems are caused by fear and self loathing? I know that I make things so much harder on myself when I listen to the screaming voices in my mind that tell me I can't do something, or I will fail or I am destined to never achieve my dreams. Truth is, maybe I need to be prepared for the reality that I may not make my dreams come true. But that doesn't mean I should drink in the cup of complacency and avoid striving for the stars.
I haven't liked myself very much over the years. Well, now that's a bit harsh. Truth is, I have liked myself, but I've been afraid to reveal the real me. People get me- but just not necessarily in all my flavors. They get pieces of me, compartmentalized and gift-wrapped for the occasion. I'm working now to lead an authentic life, a life that is true to who I am at all times, with all people. This of course, is easier said than done, because I am fighting years of insecurity and fear and old habits. I have not fully embraced all that I am and I can't expect to just free myself from the shackles of expectations (mine and others) just because I have decided to be true to me.
I am a work in progress. My story is yet to be written and played out on the grand stage of life. My hopes and dreams are needing some tender loving care after years of neglect and self-sabotage. Who I am won't be right for all people, but it will be right for me. In 'The Year of the Sally', I am learning this: I am good enough. And I need not fear who I am. I have dreams and schemes that may seen outrageous and far fetched but they are mine to dream and mine to aspire to. All we have is who we are and what we hope to be. So dream big and live true to you!
I haven't liked myself very much over the years. Well, now that's a bit harsh. Truth is, I have liked myself, but I've been afraid to reveal the real me. People get me- but just not necessarily in all my flavors. They get pieces of me, compartmentalized and gift-wrapped for the occasion. I'm working now to lead an authentic life, a life that is true to who I am at all times, with all people. This of course, is easier said than done, because I am fighting years of insecurity and fear and old habits. I have not fully embraced all that I am and I can't expect to just free myself from the shackles of expectations (mine and others) just because I have decided to be true to me.
I am a work in progress. My story is yet to be written and played out on the grand stage of life. My hopes and dreams are needing some tender loving care after years of neglect and self-sabotage. Who I am won't be right for all people, but it will be right for me. In 'The Year of the Sally', I am learning this: I am good enough. And I need not fear who I am. I have dreams and schemes that may seen outrageous and far fetched but they are mine to dream and mine to aspire to. All we have is who we are and what we hope to be. So dream big and live true to you!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Take Me or Leave Me Baby
Not everybody likes me. This realization a few years ago would have made me cry. But now, it doesn't really come as a shock. After all, I can't expect everyone to like me when I can't and don't like everyone. While I always try to show respect to everyone I meet, there are some people who no matter what you or they do, you just don't like them. Sometimes they can be obvious reasons. And sometimes, it's not something you can put your finger on, more just a knowing on the inside that this person and you go together about as well as pigs on ice skates. I have learned to understand that despite my obvious awesomeness, some people don't like, get or appreciate me. My honesty, my 'live life loud' nature and even my laugh can, and probably do, rub people the wrong way. I used to care about that. I wanted to be Miss Popular, Miss Congeniality. You know the girl who you look at and think "I wish I was just like that girl," girl.
Now, I realize that life is not a popularity contest. I don't need other peoples approval. Because honestly, the only person that matters most in the "who likes me" game is- ME! And if I don't really, truly like myself, then I can't expect others to either.
We can spend our whole lives chasing this idea that we must 'be all things to all people" and must have everyone we encounter like us rather than live our lives being true to who we are. I guess the problem is, so many of us don't really know who we are. We look to the media, to celebrities, to religion, to our jobs, to other people to tell us who we are, or who we should be. And even if we do know who we are, we are often so scared of being rejected that we refuse to step into all we can be. Wanting everyone to like you is a sign of being both self centered and insecure. And understanding that not everyone will like you does not mean that it is a reflection on you- although it sure does feel like it!
As I walk the path of self- discovery and step more and more into who I am, I must be prepared for the inevitable. I will lose friends. I will lose people who I thought I could count on forever. Because when you break out of the box that people put you in, they don't know what to do. People want to smash you back into the box and squish on the lid because it's safer for them. But once out, who would ever want to go back? I like this Sally. The one who feels freer than she has ever been. The one who doesn't feel restricted by peoples perceptions or constricted to fit a mold that wasn't meant for me. So I will lose friends as I enter into who I am. And that is just fine.
It doesn't mean to say that I won't mourn the loss of these friendships. Sometimes, its very hard to let something or someone go. We can resist letting go of things or people that we know deep down we should. Some people are gifts that stay in our lives always, and others are gifts for just a season. The hard thing is knowing which is which. I am grateful for all the people who have traversed the roads in my life. Some have broken the road into pieces and created obstructions and others have made the road a little less rocky. All have taught me something. I am a better, stronger and more compassionate person for having been touched and challenged and changed by those who have walked through my life. But I recognize now, more than ever, that this really is my one shot. This is my life and I must choose to live it the way that defines me. So I brace myself to lose friends, to be 'disapproved of' to be judged by people who don't or won't even attempt to understand me.
But I will gain more than I lose. I gain me. I gain my truth. And I gain people who do appreciate what makes me a unique and wonderful individual. I don't need the world's adoration. I don't even need my family's approval. I need to just own myself. And be brave enough to be the Sally I was always created to be. Because, she's a pretty wonderful girl. And that is not just my truth, but it is a truth for each and every one of us. It's time we remembered that life is short and not always sweet. But when we live an authentic life our sorrows are far fewer. So, you can take me or leave me. That's ok. I'm good with that. Because this is me. This is who I am and I am here to stay.
Now, I realize that life is not a popularity contest. I don't need other peoples approval. Because honestly, the only person that matters most in the "who likes me" game is- ME! And if I don't really, truly like myself, then I can't expect others to either.
We can spend our whole lives chasing this idea that we must 'be all things to all people" and must have everyone we encounter like us rather than live our lives being true to who we are. I guess the problem is, so many of us don't really know who we are. We look to the media, to celebrities, to religion, to our jobs, to other people to tell us who we are, or who we should be. And even if we do know who we are, we are often so scared of being rejected that we refuse to step into all we can be. Wanting everyone to like you is a sign of being both self centered and insecure. And understanding that not everyone will like you does not mean that it is a reflection on you- although it sure does feel like it!
As I walk the path of self- discovery and step more and more into who I am, I must be prepared for the inevitable. I will lose friends. I will lose people who I thought I could count on forever. Because when you break out of the box that people put you in, they don't know what to do. People want to smash you back into the box and squish on the lid because it's safer for them. But once out, who would ever want to go back? I like this Sally. The one who feels freer than she has ever been. The one who doesn't feel restricted by peoples perceptions or constricted to fit a mold that wasn't meant for me. So I will lose friends as I enter into who I am. And that is just fine.
It doesn't mean to say that I won't mourn the loss of these friendships. Sometimes, its very hard to let something or someone go. We can resist letting go of things or people that we know deep down we should. Some people are gifts that stay in our lives always, and others are gifts for just a season. The hard thing is knowing which is which. I am grateful for all the people who have traversed the roads in my life. Some have broken the road into pieces and created obstructions and others have made the road a little less rocky. All have taught me something. I am a better, stronger and more compassionate person for having been touched and challenged and changed by those who have walked through my life. But I recognize now, more than ever, that this really is my one shot. This is my life and I must choose to live it the way that defines me. So I brace myself to lose friends, to be 'disapproved of' to be judged by people who don't or won't even attempt to understand me.
But I will gain more than I lose. I gain me. I gain my truth. And I gain people who do appreciate what makes me a unique and wonderful individual. I don't need the world's adoration. I don't even need my family's approval. I need to just own myself. And be brave enough to be the Sally I was always created to be. Because, she's a pretty wonderful girl. And that is not just my truth, but it is a truth for each and every one of us. It's time we remembered that life is short and not always sweet. But when we live an authentic life our sorrows are far fewer. So, you can take me or leave me. That's ok. I'm good with that. Because this is me. This is who I am and I am here to stay.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Just Say No to Mediocrity
Miss Sucky is having herself quite the week. She is moody and grumpy and weepy and generally hovering under a grey cloud of discontent and personal dissatisfaction. Miss Awesome is usually a ray of sunshine and cuts through even the dreariest of days. But Miss Awesome is not winning the battle this week. Miss Awesome is struggling to retain her grip (on sanity and in having the upper hand that is the power struggle between both herself and Miss Sucky.)
I've been struggling a bit lately because my life isn't lining up with my passions. My days are filled with the sameness of a life that I feel I've become trapped in. When life doesn't add up in the way we want, it's easy to feel unsatisfied, annoyed, and helpless. But there is power. You have all the power you ever need with yourself. Don't like your life? Change it! That has always been my motto. Adjust your attitude or adjust the situation. Something's gotta give, something's gotta change. And usually, as annoying as it is to admit, the thing that has to change is us!
So what are the causes for my deep dissatisfaction? They are, in truth, too numerous to list and perhaps even ambiguous to me. So I guess the real question here is, what am I going to do about it? I certainly feel stuck in a vortex of lost dreams and broken ideals. But that is too much "Miss Sucky" type thinking. And I AM Miss Awesome (even when I feel like I or everything about my life sucks.)
What am I going to do about it? About ensuring I don't stagnate here in this moment where fate and circumstance has pinned me down? I guess I ought to recognize it as an opportunity to ensure that I don't wallow here for too long. Feeling like I'm stuck in mediocrity might not actually be such a bad thing. Because, firstly, at least I recognize I am. And secondly, saying no to medocrity means movement. It means action. It means that I have to do something to change my here and now, rather than just blame bad luck or bad timing or any of the things that pop into my Miss Sucky brain. It means taking responsibility for my life (another thing Miss Sucky would rather avoid) and moving towards making my life meaningful in every little moment (roadblocks, stagnation, long trailing paths up steep hills with no end in sight included.)I have the power to change my life. Me. All the self-help books, the gentle proddings from friends and doors of opportunity mean nothing if I don't get some traction and take some action. Saying no to medocrity means saying yes to motion. So I'm gonna get going because it's all up to me. Just as its always been.
I've been struggling a bit lately because my life isn't lining up with my passions. My days are filled with the sameness of a life that I feel I've become trapped in. When life doesn't add up in the way we want, it's easy to feel unsatisfied, annoyed, and helpless. But there is power. You have all the power you ever need with yourself. Don't like your life? Change it! That has always been my motto. Adjust your attitude or adjust the situation. Something's gotta give, something's gotta change. And usually, as annoying as it is to admit, the thing that has to change is us!
So what are the causes for my deep dissatisfaction? They are, in truth, too numerous to list and perhaps even ambiguous to me. So I guess the real question here is, what am I going to do about it? I certainly feel stuck in a vortex of lost dreams and broken ideals. But that is too much "Miss Sucky" type thinking. And I AM Miss Awesome (even when I feel like I or everything about my life sucks.)
What am I going to do about it? About ensuring I don't stagnate here in this moment where fate and circumstance has pinned me down? I guess I ought to recognize it as an opportunity to ensure that I don't wallow here for too long. Feeling like I'm stuck in mediocrity might not actually be such a bad thing. Because, firstly, at least I recognize I am. And secondly, saying no to medocrity means movement. It means action. It means that I have to do something to change my here and now, rather than just blame bad luck or bad timing or any of the things that pop into my Miss Sucky brain. It means taking responsibility for my life (another thing Miss Sucky would rather avoid) and moving towards making my life meaningful in every little moment (roadblocks, stagnation, long trailing paths up steep hills with no end in sight included.)I have the power to change my life. Me. All the self-help books, the gentle proddings from friends and doors of opportunity mean nothing if I don't get some traction and take some action. Saying no to medocrity means saying yes to motion. So I'm gonna get going because it's all up to me. Just as its always been.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
To Be or Not To Be
I am a very open person. And I'm proud of it. I'd rather be someone who lives my life visible to others than to hide away in some dark corner with all my fears and insecurities. Miss Sucky spends her life in an anxious discomfort of fear and judgment. I declare me to be a judge-free zone. Because what anyone thinks of me pales into insignificance over what I think of myself. And I'm an awesome person, with passion and integrity and a burning desire to make this world a better place.
I don't judge people so it does actually shock me when I am judged. I don't always know how to respond to it. Case in point, today I found out that I am the latest victim on the rumor mill at work. Miss Awesome would not care. Sadly for me, Miss Awesome had apparently taken the day off and skipped town with no warning and Miss Sucky was left to fend for herself. She did not fare so well. Miss Sucky took it deeply personal and wallowed in the shit storm for several hours. Self doubt plagued her. She even considered putting herself in the box it seemed the world has been desperately trying to squash her into. People aren't meant for boxes. I don't think that I should be forced into any boxes just because my openness makes others feel uncomfortable. Actually, your feeling uncomfortable is your problem, not mine, and I'm not going to wear it anymore.
We are all designed as unique beings. Some of our attributes will confuse, bemuse, scare, intimidate and even stir up hatred in others. But if we start living down to other peoples expectations we create a world where the beauty of individuality can no longer exist. I am me. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I sometimes even over react on occasion. It's called being human. Miss Sucky can quickly beat herself up in such moments, even when there is no need for her to do so. Miss Awesome realizes that there are always lessons to be learned and she is grateful. There's a great saying Miss Awesome reminded me of tonight as I reflected once more upon the days events; Hurt people, hurt people. We are all broken people in some way or another. Each of us have our wounds to bear, some fresh and newly scabbed and others faint scars that serve as reminders of where we have been. Some days something will happen that may tear open the wound, or create a new one. The real test is in how we react in an attack. When Miss Awesome is in full form these attacks are minor speed bumps on the highway of life. With Miss Sucky behind the wheel though, the minor speed bumps suddenly feel like going over a thousand miles on a dirt and gravel road with no suspension. Today was my gravel road. Tomorrow I hope to be back on the highway.
I have given the idea of not being me a lot of thought. In fact, I have even invested years into that pursuit. I have denied myself, I have tried to fit into people's pre-conceived notions of who I am and who I should be. And I have been beyond miserable. Miss Sucky scrambles to fit in because she is afraid of being rejected. Miss Awesome feels secure in who she is and where she wants to be and understands that the judgments passed on her by inconsequential people will have little effect on her awesomeness. Love me or hate me...that's totally up to you. But this girl is choosing to love herself and be the person she is and is meant to be. Because let's face it, if you can't be true to yourself then life is all for naught. So I'm recycling the box and stepping out with my head high knowing that I am who I am and that is a remarkable and beautiful thing! And if you don't like it, it's all good. I'll just give you the two finger salute and be on my way.
I don't judge people so it does actually shock me when I am judged. I don't always know how to respond to it. Case in point, today I found out that I am the latest victim on the rumor mill at work. Miss Awesome would not care. Sadly for me, Miss Awesome had apparently taken the day off and skipped town with no warning and Miss Sucky was left to fend for herself. She did not fare so well. Miss Sucky took it deeply personal and wallowed in the shit storm for several hours. Self doubt plagued her. She even considered putting herself in the box it seemed the world has been desperately trying to squash her into. People aren't meant for boxes. I don't think that I should be forced into any boxes just because my openness makes others feel uncomfortable. Actually, your feeling uncomfortable is your problem, not mine, and I'm not going to wear it anymore.
We are all designed as unique beings. Some of our attributes will confuse, bemuse, scare, intimidate and even stir up hatred in others. But if we start living down to other peoples expectations we create a world where the beauty of individuality can no longer exist. I am me. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I sometimes even over react on occasion. It's called being human. Miss Sucky can quickly beat herself up in such moments, even when there is no need for her to do so. Miss Awesome realizes that there are always lessons to be learned and she is grateful. There's a great saying Miss Awesome reminded me of tonight as I reflected once more upon the days events; Hurt people, hurt people. We are all broken people in some way or another. Each of us have our wounds to bear, some fresh and newly scabbed and others faint scars that serve as reminders of where we have been. Some days something will happen that may tear open the wound, or create a new one. The real test is in how we react in an attack. When Miss Awesome is in full form these attacks are minor speed bumps on the highway of life. With Miss Sucky behind the wheel though, the minor speed bumps suddenly feel like going over a thousand miles on a dirt and gravel road with no suspension. Today was my gravel road. Tomorrow I hope to be back on the highway.
I have given the idea of not being me a lot of thought. In fact, I have even invested years into that pursuit. I have denied myself, I have tried to fit into people's pre-conceived notions of who I am and who I should be. And I have been beyond miserable. Miss Sucky scrambles to fit in because she is afraid of being rejected. Miss Awesome feels secure in who she is and where she wants to be and understands that the judgments passed on her by inconsequential people will have little effect on her awesomeness. Love me or hate me...that's totally up to you. But this girl is choosing to love herself and be the person she is and is meant to be. Because let's face it, if you can't be true to yourself then life is all for naught. So I'm recycling the box and stepping out with my head high knowing that I am who I am and that is a remarkable and beautiful thing! And if you don't like it, it's all good. I'll just give you the two finger salute and be on my way.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Shaken and stirred
It's unavoidable. We might wish to ignore it but we only fool ourselves. We might think we are better than someone else, but eventually we all end up in the same place. Dead. This really is the only assurance we have in our life; one day we will die. Death is not biased, it doesn't pick favorites, and it doesn't play games. Death is stranger to none of us...yet we detest his familiarity. And before we lose our own lives, we will experience the loss of a loved one. I lost my father 10 years ago and even now there are days when my heart aches for him. For those of us that remain, death leaves an indelible hole.
This week the earth trembled, buildings crumbled and death came. In times of great destruction and mass sorrow, it's hard to make sense of life. The past few months have been endured with a quiet terror that last Septembers earthquake was a harbinger of things to come. On Wednesday, the unvoiced fears of many became reality. We all think we are somehow indestructible. We are not. We are made of flesh and bone and blood and tears. We break, we bruise, we live, we die. When tragedy strikes it is often with such a viciousness that we can scare comprehend. And life for those tarnished with the brush of death will never be the same again.
I don't know the victims who did not survive the earthquake. I have spent little time in Christchurch. To be honest, I have spent little thought on Christchurch since the first major quake. For those of us at a safe arm's length away, it's all too easy to become complacent, even jaded. It's that 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality. Or perhaps, more to the point, it's simply because it's not happening to me. I watch what unfolds from the safe comfort of my living room. I am moved by the images that flash up on my screen, by the stories of heroism and courage. I am outraged by the weakness of man and those who can even conceive to prey upon others at such a time. I am broken for those who have lost loved ones, friends, colleagues. And I am absolutely terrified that I will squander away this precious gift of life. Life is short. In one moment you are here, and the next you are not. We have no idea when or how or where we will breathe our last, only that at some point it will occur. None of us imagine dying in tragic circumstances. We all hope to die curled up in our beds, blissfully unaware and pain-free as we slip from this world to the next. But that is not a promise or guarantee. It is through tragedy and in the arms of grief that we are faced with our fragility. When circumstances such as these fall to us, we question the meaning of it all. Life is short and easily broken. Sometimes it takes devastation to remind you of this. It's going to be a long hard road to overcome the horror of the past few days. I can't even begin to imagine the harrowing struggle the city of Christchurch and her people have already endured and what they must continue to endure in the months and years ahead. I can't do much to help Christchurch and its people. I can give money and donate things. I can pray and I can weep and I can hope.
When facing death, the pain can feel insurmountable. It can be unyielding, intolerable, unending. It can shut you down or push you to embrace the time that remains. For me, this earthquake has shaken off my complacency. It has stirred in me a desire to live and be and do all that I wish for myself. I want to make each moment count. I want to chase my dreams with a renewed fervor. I want to be kinder and more generous. I want to let my friends and family know how much I treasure them and how much their life is a gift to my own. I want to live fully until my moment arrives to depart this earth. Perhaps in me living my life and pursuing my dreams I can honor those no longer with us.
Christchurch, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
This week the earth trembled, buildings crumbled and death came. In times of great destruction and mass sorrow, it's hard to make sense of life. The past few months have been endured with a quiet terror that last Septembers earthquake was a harbinger of things to come. On Wednesday, the unvoiced fears of many became reality. We all think we are somehow indestructible. We are not. We are made of flesh and bone and blood and tears. We break, we bruise, we live, we die. When tragedy strikes it is often with such a viciousness that we can scare comprehend. And life for those tarnished with the brush of death will never be the same again.
I don't know the victims who did not survive the earthquake. I have spent little time in Christchurch. To be honest, I have spent little thought on Christchurch since the first major quake. For those of us at a safe arm's length away, it's all too easy to become complacent, even jaded. It's that 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality. Or perhaps, more to the point, it's simply because it's not happening to me. I watch what unfolds from the safe comfort of my living room. I am moved by the images that flash up on my screen, by the stories of heroism and courage. I am outraged by the weakness of man and those who can even conceive to prey upon others at such a time. I am broken for those who have lost loved ones, friends, colleagues. And I am absolutely terrified that I will squander away this precious gift of life. Life is short. In one moment you are here, and the next you are not. We have no idea when or how or where we will breathe our last, only that at some point it will occur. None of us imagine dying in tragic circumstances. We all hope to die curled up in our beds, blissfully unaware and pain-free as we slip from this world to the next. But that is not a promise or guarantee. It is through tragedy and in the arms of grief that we are faced with our fragility. When circumstances such as these fall to us, we question the meaning of it all. Life is short and easily broken. Sometimes it takes devastation to remind you of this. It's going to be a long hard road to overcome the horror of the past few days. I can't even begin to imagine the harrowing struggle the city of Christchurch and her people have already endured and what they must continue to endure in the months and years ahead. I can't do much to help Christchurch and its people. I can give money and donate things. I can pray and I can weep and I can hope.
When facing death, the pain can feel insurmountable. It can be unyielding, intolerable, unending. It can shut you down or push you to embrace the time that remains. For me, this earthquake has shaken off my complacency. It has stirred in me a desire to live and be and do all that I wish for myself. I want to make each moment count. I want to chase my dreams with a renewed fervor. I want to be kinder and more generous. I want to let my friends and family know how much I treasure them and how much their life is a gift to my own. I want to live fully until my moment arrives to depart this earth. Perhaps in me living my life and pursuing my dreams I can honor those no longer with us.
Christchurch, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Friday, February 11, 2011
The Mind is A Battlefield
A few weeks ago, as part of my new initiative to express self love, I joined a gym. And this week I took it a step further by getting a personal trainer. "Why, Miss Awesome, would you do that?" I hear you ask. "Isn't it gosh darn expensive?" Ummm- yes. Yes it is. But I realized that if I can't invest in myself in the "Year of the Sally" when the hell can I? I am worth the expense. And after all, it's a relatively short term cost for long term benefits (someone is going to have to remind me of these words because there will no doubt be days when I won't be able to see over my shoe laces, let alone the long term goal.) Miss Sucky is struggling with this new regime. She hates it. And rightfully so. After all, change, even positive change, can still be painful. My trainer states that the mental change will be as important as the physical changes. I would go one step further and say that without the mental change, the physical change just won't happen. It's the mind-body connection. Exercise is gonna make me feel better, but it's the change that occurs in my thinking that is going to have the most impact in my life over the weeks and months ahead.
Today, as I fought back the tears after a power walk up a hill, I realized that I wasn't crying over the physical discomfort but out of guilt and frustration at my own neglect. I was angry and embarrassed that I had let myself get to the stage where a walk up a hill felt like a battle I couldn't win. It wasn't that it was an impossibly steep hill, or that it was unbearably hot, (although it was pretty damn warm with the sun beating down on my back all the way up) it was that this hill, for me, became a mental Goliath.
For every step forward, the negative self talk told me I couldn't do it. It was destiny; this fat, this misery, this prison of a body. If Miss Sucky had her way, she'd have just fallen to the ground in a messy heap of misery and lamented her misfortune. But Miss Sucky is no longer the boss of me. She remains a part of me, for better or for worse. Some days she strikes with the full fury of someone that has nothing to lose but Miss Awesome is not so easily ambushed by these attacks anymore. Some days Miss Sucky pouts and prances about like a wounded peacock. Miss Awesome is over playing the victim. She knows that if she wants to change her life, she has to begin within. Ultimately, the power lies within your hands (or more to the point, your heart and head.)Not happy with your life? Do something about it! Have dreams and aspirations? Chase them down with a bow and arrow if you have to! Embrace your unchangeables and embrace those things you can change. For me, the gym is part of the path to me loving who I am. It is just one more step that I can take to step into the 'Miss Awesome' role once and for all.
So my exercise regime is a new challenge on my road to rediscovery. And while my physical being is burdened by a few extra pounds it is my emotions and mental outlook that are the true weighty issues. I, like most people, am my own worst enemy. I need to apply the way I treat others to myself. The same respect, love, dignity, kindness and love that I lavish on everyone else needs to be extended to my own body, mind, heart and soul. I've made great improvements in the last few months to forge a new landscape in the garden of my mind. The affirmations I've been incorporating into my daily life to encourage and motivate me now need to focus on the way I feel about my physical self and the thought patterns I've allowed to run amok. This negative self talk, which invades my mind (and ambles out into public on occasion through spoken words) needs to be replaced. It's time to turn my "can not's" into "can do's" and my "no way's" into "yes way's."
Weight loss or gain, is, like many other things that we face in life, as much about the mental struggle as it is the physical. We all want to feel desirable, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, healthy, happy, whole. Ultimately, it's not how we look on the outside that determines how we feel. How we FEEL about ourselves comes down to what we THINK about ourselves. I'm changing my thinking...one thought at a time. Some days will be easy 'Miss Awesome' days, and some days Miss Sucky will take the lead and try and sink my battleship of "good thoughts and positive intentions." Those days Miss Awesome will have to dig down deep and sally forth to win the war. It's the mind that, as always, is my greatest foe. But I'm Miss Awesome so nothing is too difficult for me to overcome (even my own self hatred!)It's time...it's time to live the life I was destined for; body, mind and soul...so Miss Sucky can suck it up and get on with it because it's time to turn flabby into fabby!
Today, as I fought back the tears after a power walk up a hill, I realized that I wasn't crying over the physical discomfort but out of guilt and frustration at my own neglect. I was angry and embarrassed that I had let myself get to the stage where a walk up a hill felt like a battle I couldn't win. It wasn't that it was an impossibly steep hill, or that it was unbearably hot, (although it was pretty damn warm with the sun beating down on my back all the way up) it was that this hill, for me, became a mental Goliath.
For every step forward, the negative self talk told me I couldn't do it. It was destiny; this fat, this misery, this prison of a body. If Miss Sucky had her way, she'd have just fallen to the ground in a messy heap of misery and lamented her misfortune. But Miss Sucky is no longer the boss of me. She remains a part of me, for better or for worse. Some days she strikes with the full fury of someone that has nothing to lose but Miss Awesome is not so easily ambushed by these attacks anymore. Some days Miss Sucky pouts and prances about like a wounded peacock. Miss Awesome is over playing the victim. She knows that if she wants to change her life, she has to begin within. Ultimately, the power lies within your hands (or more to the point, your heart and head.)Not happy with your life? Do something about it! Have dreams and aspirations? Chase them down with a bow and arrow if you have to! Embrace your unchangeables and embrace those things you can change. For me, the gym is part of the path to me loving who I am. It is just one more step that I can take to step into the 'Miss Awesome' role once and for all.
So my exercise regime is a new challenge on my road to rediscovery. And while my physical being is burdened by a few extra pounds it is my emotions and mental outlook that are the true weighty issues. I, like most people, am my own worst enemy. I need to apply the way I treat others to myself. The same respect, love, dignity, kindness and love that I lavish on everyone else needs to be extended to my own body, mind, heart and soul. I've made great improvements in the last few months to forge a new landscape in the garden of my mind. The affirmations I've been incorporating into my daily life to encourage and motivate me now need to focus on the way I feel about my physical self and the thought patterns I've allowed to run amok. This negative self talk, which invades my mind (and ambles out into public on occasion through spoken words) needs to be replaced. It's time to turn my "can not's" into "can do's" and my "no way's" into "yes way's."
Weight loss or gain, is, like many other things that we face in life, as much about the mental struggle as it is the physical. We all want to feel desirable, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, healthy, happy, whole. Ultimately, it's not how we look on the outside that determines how we feel. How we FEEL about ourselves comes down to what we THINK about ourselves. I'm changing my thinking...one thought at a time. Some days will be easy 'Miss Awesome' days, and some days Miss Sucky will take the lead and try and sink my battleship of "good thoughts and positive intentions." Those days Miss Awesome will have to dig down deep and sally forth to win the war. It's the mind that, as always, is my greatest foe. But I'm Miss Awesome so nothing is too difficult for me to overcome (even my own self hatred!)It's time...it's time to live the life I was destined for; body, mind and soul...so Miss Sucky can suck it up and get on with it because it's time to turn flabby into fabby!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
All The Things I've Been
I've been loved and I've been hated, misunderstood, obligated. I've been grief stricken, angst ridden. I've been tossed to the curb, treated like a queen, hand picked, foot kicked, scooped up, stripped bare, confident, frozen in fear. I've been lost, confused, wounded, bemused. I've been misused, abused, violated, validated, vindicated. I've been down but not out; reached the bottom and kept digging; climbed the stars and touched the sun. I've been adored, ignored, inspired, admired, desired, so tired. I've been helpless, hopeless, heartless, homeless.
I've been a doormat, put on a pedestal, burdened by expectations, bamboozled by my relations. I've been exiled, reviled, guilt tripped, soul whipped. I've been tied down, ripped apart, pieced together,broken heart. I've been unclear, held dear, mislaid, unpaid. I've been at peace, in despair, disillusioned beyond repair. I've been joyful, insecure, agitated, filled with peace, aggravated. I've been foolish and lonely, brilliant and bright; Sometimes I've been wrong, sometimes, I've been right. I've been somebody else when I should have been me. I've been conquered and redeemed and now I'm free.
I've been a doormat, put on a pedestal, burdened by expectations, bamboozled by my relations. I've been exiled, reviled, guilt tripped, soul whipped. I've been tied down, ripped apart, pieced together,broken heart. I've been unclear, held dear, mislaid, unpaid. I've been at peace, in despair, disillusioned beyond repair. I've been joyful, insecure, agitated, filled with peace, aggravated. I've been foolish and lonely, brilliant and bright; Sometimes I've been wrong, sometimes, I've been right. I've been somebody else when I should have been me. I've been conquered and redeemed and now I'm free.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Mind Control
This week has been one of those weeks where I am making progress and standing still all at the same time. Kind of how I imagine a hamster must feel racing around on one of those wheels inside a cage. (You know this is serious when you liken yourself to a hamster!) There have been moments this week where Miss Sucky seems like a distance memory, and then WHAM! she surfaces and puts Miss Awesome in a headlock. Some days, being me is a fine line between hope and helplessness. The years of self hatred that I've inflicted upon my heart, mind and soul have become like a city peopled with disgust and disappointment. But hope, like an insurgent, is slowing breaking through and breaking down and re-establishing the truth of me. Self-hatred burdens you with a skewered view of who you really are. Sometimes, you are so in the thick of it, that you cannot see that you are running headlong into a trap of your own making. Now, I know that we all suffer from a little self-loathing from time to time. It is part of what makes us human. But, it should be something rare and infrequent. Like an out of town visit with those relatives of yours that make you cringe to acknowledge the same blood runs through your veins.
As part of the 'new and improved' Sally (which is really nothing new- just embracing my awesome self) I have drawn up a battle plan to search out and destroy every last snippet of self-hatred that lurks in the recesses of my heart and mind. Now I am no General or Admiral, Corporate or even Private...but I am a warrior (not to be confused with a worrier! *_*) And I figure that if I can stand up for the underdog, or rise with such passion on behalf of my family and friends, then perhaps I can make a stand for myself too. So here is my battle plan: Stop listening to that dude in my head which freaks out every time I compliment myself. In fact, boot him out of Sally Ville once and for all! It's time to tell him "Pack ya bags, get on ya bike, and ride off into that grand old sunset and take ya luggage with ya!"
The next step is to bulldoze down the raised statues of inferiority, insecurity and insignificance. Grind them into dust and build instead monuments of my self worth.
The third step is to line up all the lies and beat them into oblivion. WHAM! Take that despicable me! POW! malevolence! KABOOM! To you self-contempt!
There are other battle formations that I am applying as Miss Awesome battles it out for total control. Miss Sucky is scared to let go of her self-hatred because its been what she has known for so long. She worries that if she lets it go, that people will think she has become too cocky, too self assured and that the pendulum will have swung too far. But Miss Awesome understands that it isn't about what other people think. It's about what SHE thinks, about herself. We can't control the thoughts of others (although some people think we should be able to!) and the things they think about us. Some people will love and adore you, and recognize the treasure within, and some people will not. One way or the other- let it go! It really doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you. Ultimately, our self worth comes not from others, it comes from ourselves. The hint IS in the name people!
So Miss Sucky can put Miss Awesome in a thousand headlocks if she wants. It's not going to stop Miss Awesome from breaking free and re-developing the fertile land of her mental and emotional terrain. It's time to change the landscape in there. Strip everything back to the foundations and redesign my mind. We are all the grand architects of our own thoughts. What are your thoughts declaring you to be?
As part of the 'new and improved' Sally (which is really nothing new- just embracing my awesome self) I have drawn up a battle plan to search out and destroy every last snippet of self-hatred that lurks in the recesses of my heart and mind. Now I am no General or Admiral, Corporate or even Private...but I am a warrior (not to be confused with a worrier! *_*) And I figure that if I can stand up for the underdog, or rise with such passion on behalf of my family and friends, then perhaps I can make a stand for myself too. So here is my battle plan: Stop listening to that dude in my head which freaks out every time I compliment myself. In fact, boot him out of Sally Ville once and for all! It's time to tell him "Pack ya bags, get on ya bike, and ride off into that grand old sunset and take ya luggage with ya!"
The next step is to bulldoze down the raised statues of inferiority, insecurity and insignificance. Grind them into dust and build instead monuments of my self worth.
The third step is to line up all the lies and beat them into oblivion. WHAM! Take that despicable me! POW! malevolence! KABOOM! To you self-contempt!
There are other battle formations that I am applying as Miss Awesome battles it out for total control. Miss Sucky is scared to let go of her self-hatred because its been what she has known for so long. She worries that if she lets it go, that people will think she has become too cocky, too self assured and that the pendulum will have swung too far. But Miss Awesome understands that it isn't about what other people think. It's about what SHE thinks, about herself. We can't control the thoughts of others (although some people think we should be able to!) and the things they think about us. Some people will love and adore you, and recognize the treasure within, and some people will not. One way or the other- let it go! It really doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you. Ultimately, our self worth comes not from others, it comes from ourselves. The hint IS in the name people!
So Miss Sucky can put Miss Awesome in a thousand headlocks if she wants. It's not going to stop Miss Awesome from breaking free and re-developing the fertile land of her mental and emotional terrain. It's time to change the landscape in there. Strip everything back to the foundations and redesign my mind. We are all the grand architects of our own thoughts. What are your thoughts declaring you to be?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
One of THOSE days
Miss Sucky is struggling a bit today. “He” keeps popping into her head and won’t go away. Miss Sucky is resisting the urge to make contact. She resists because she knows he won’t respond and it will just send her heart into a downward spiral. Her friends of course, are going to be unhappy with this news. They think that she should be well over it by now. But it’s only been a month since her world imploded, and while most days are Miss Awesome days, some days are like a scabby wound that gets torn off and starts bleeding again. So today is one of those days, and this is one of those moments where strength of character and her own self worth battle it out against the fabrications that form in her mind telling her that things can still work out. Miss Awesome recognizes that there will still be days and moments like this to come, but that they will become less frequent and less insistent. She doesn’t beat herself up over these feelings like Miss Sucky does. Miss Sucky worries about what others think whereas Miss Awesome doesn’t care that her friends and family might not get why she’s not completely over it yet. The truth is the reason for Miss Sucky’s struggle is more to do with the guilt feelings she has for missing him. It might not mean much to anyone else, but she loved him and her love doesn’t just vanish into thin air despite the betrayal, the agony and disillusionment she feels. So Miss Sucky is having herself a moment of self-pity and loathing and it’s up to Miss Awesome to snap her out of it. And by 'snap her out of it' I mean realize that it's actually ok to have these moments, but not to sit in them for too long. Wallowing changes nothing.
Some days it’s difficult to look at things with logical lenses when your life feels distorted. It’s even more challenging when you can’t allow yourself to be honest about how you feel and where you are at. Truthfully, most days he is no longer my first thought. Some days he barely enters my mind at all. But then there are moments where suddenly, there he is, in all his glory. Creeping into my thoughts and making mischief with my emotions. And it’s ok. It’s ok for me to feel the loss. I’m not one of these people who can pack it down or shove it away into the back of my mind. And I don’t want to be. What makes me Miss Awesome is that I am true to myself and my feelings. As Miss Awesome I don't let myself be tormented by guilt or others expectations of how I should behave in the aftermath of my broken heart and scattered dreams. You don't like it, deal with it! This is me and while I'm always open to change, I'm through denying who I am or making excuses for it. I'm a sensitive gal, and being open to others and blatant with my emotions does not make me weak. It makes me daring. So many people try to bottle up their thoughts and feelings, pin them down or drown them in a sea of self-denial. It would be safer to go through life like that I guess. But I don't think it would make it easier.
Miss Sucky can go ahead and have her sucky moments...that's her right as a person. She can struggle and feel sad and blue over him today. But Miss Awesome is going to stand there right alongside her and make sure it doesn't get too out of hand. Miss Awesome will be there to remind her that she doesn't need anyone who doesn't love her back. Hopefully Miss Sucky will listen. And believe. And put down the phone...now.
Some days it’s difficult to look at things with logical lenses when your life feels distorted. It’s even more challenging when you can’t allow yourself to be honest about how you feel and where you are at. Truthfully, most days he is no longer my first thought. Some days he barely enters my mind at all. But then there are moments where suddenly, there he is, in all his glory. Creeping into my thoughts and making mischief with my emotions. And it’s ok. It’s ok for me to feel the loss. I’m not one of these people who can pack it down or shove it away into the back of my mind. And I don’t want to be. What makes me Miss Awesome is that I am true to myself and my feelings. As Miss Awesome I don't let myself be tormented by guilt or others expectations of how I should behave in the aftermath of my broken heart and scattered dreams. You don't like it, deal with it! This is me and while I'm always open to change, I'm through denying who I am or making excuses for it. I'm a sensitive gal, and being open to others and blatant with my emotions does not make me weak. It makes me daring. So many people try to bottle up their thoughts and feelings, pin them down or drown them in a sea of self-denial. It would be safer to go through life like that I guess. But I don't think it would make it easier.
Miss Sucky can go ahead and have her sucky moments...that's her right as a person. She can struggle and feel sad and blue over him today. But Miss Awesome is going to stand there right alongside her and make sure it doesn't get too out of hand. Miss Awesome will be there to remind her that she doesn't need anyone who doesn't love her back. Hopefully Miss Sucky will listen. And believe. And put down the phone...now.
Friday, January 21, 2011
To fail or not to fail? To fail!
There are four little letters that can bring a grown man to his knees, make a person run screaming from the room (at least metaphorically speaking) and create chaos in your mind. Four little letters that make up one little word. One little word. Seems harmless right? Yet one little word can cause big problems. The word I'm talking about today people is "Fail." Or lets take it one step further and add 'ure' or 'ing' to the end of that word. Like most people, I don't take failure easily. In fact, it bothers me to the core of my being that I might fail at anything I do. But there are times that even in my awesomeness I fall short. Sometimes, I fail. There, I said it and the sky did not fall down around me and the ground did not open up and swallow me whole. Sometimes, in some things, I fail. And that's just the way it is. As I've moved further afield from my teens and twenties I've discovered that sometimes failing is not such a big deal. And more importantly; failing and failure are not inseparable. You see, I can fail but not be a failure or be a failure and not fail. Stick with me here, because this concept might need better clarity.
There are people in life who seem like they have it all; money, cars, houses, travel to exotic locales. They have everything that the world of commerce says "This is what makes me successful." It's easy to look at the stuff they have accumulated and think "I'm a failure." But having things or going to all the hot clubs or knowing all the 'right' people does not determine the measure of a man. You can have all the riches in the world, but if you have no integrity, no empathy, no relationships that enrich your life, then it means nothing. This is what I mean by being a failure and not 'failing.' We place a lot of pressure on ourselves and others to live up to this concept that you are only successful if you have money and power. Success is more than just your bank balance and who you rub shoulders with. Money is great and I wish I had a lot more of it, but I know that my character has been forged in the fires of failing (or flailing) and still getting up and pursuing my dreams. I'm not suggesting that anyone who has anything of value (again in possessions etc) are personal failures. And I'm not advocating that people who struggle their entire lives to eek out an existence are better people inwardly than those who 'have it all' outwardly. You see being a failure, in my opinion, comes down to a persons inability to love themselves or see the worth in others. It's ultimately about being true to yourself and living a life that enhances those around you. It's being willing to go after what captures your imagination, what gets your heart racing and what makes you feel life is worth living. For some people, it is property and possessions that give them their self-worth. For others it is intellectual pursuits and for some others it is in their job or their family. We are all people with substance, with passions and aspirations and plans for the way we would like our lives to be. Not one person who lives and breathes on this planet is better than anyone else. And not one of us get through life without feeling the sometimes staggering blow of failure. You may constantly feel like you are failing in life, but for every step that you take forward, for every time you pick your crumpled self up off the floor, for every positive thought that overrides a negative one, you attain success. Success is not always measured in glitzy gowns and prize packages. It's not always obvious. Sometimes it's that wee voice that battles through a raging storm of a troubled mind and incites you on.
The fear of failure or failing often immobilizers us. It's certainly kept me from pursuing my passions. I've been so scared of failing, that I haven't even bothered trying. I've lived for years listening to "What if's?" and only dared to dream but never move beyond my fantasies and wishful thinking. I've let my fear of failing stifle any chance for success. If I spend my whole life doing that, then I will have failed. It's in failing that we learn more about ourselves, about the world and about being open to new possibilities. If you are open to recognizing the lessons that come out of 'failing' and willing to venture down different avenues then you will always turn short term failings into long term successes.
Failing does not define you as a person. It is what you do after you have failed that determines your character. Do you have the tenacity to stand strong in the face of your fears? Do you have the courage to chase your dreams? Are you willing to recognize that sometimes when a 'sure thing' fails it can lead you down the perfect path to the promised land?
I've started to look at failing as just an alternative pathway on my road to success! It might not always be the road I imagined I would go down, but the destination remains the same. I am excited to fail...because it means that at least I'm putting action to my dreams. I am about to send off some children's stories to publishing houses. More than likely, they will be rejected. But then at least I will know that there are four publishing houses on my list that I will not have to worry about.*_* When, and if, I do "make it," it won't be solely on my successes, but also in all the broken steps bridged by a compulsion to 'sally' forth in spite of all my failures. So go ahead and fail, it makes the journey (life) worth it.
There are people in life who seem like they have it all; money, cars, houses, travel to exotic locales. They have everything that the world of commerce says "This is what makes me successful." It's easy to look at the stuff they have accumulated and think "I'm a failure." But having things or going to all the hot clubs or knowing all the 'right' people does not determine the measure of a man. You can have all the riches in the world, but if you have no integrity, no empathy, no relationships that enrich your life, then it means nothing. This is what I mean by being a failure and not 'failing.' We place a lot of pressure on ourselves and others to live up to this concept that you are only successful if you have money and power. Success is more than just your bank balance and who you rub shoulders with. Money is great and I wish I had a lot more of it, but I know that my character has been forged in the fires of failing (or flailing) and still getting up and pursuing my dreams. I'm not suggesting that anyone who has anything of value (again in possessions etc) are personal failures. And I'm not advocating that people who struggle their entire lives to eek out an existence are better people inwardly than those who 'have it all' outwardly. You see being a failure, in my opinion, comes down to a persons inability to love themselves or see the worth in others. It's ultimately about being true to yourself and living a life that enhances those around you. It's being willing to go after what captures your imagination, what gets your heart racing and what makes you feel life is worth living. For some people, it is property and possessions that give them their self-worth. For others it is intellectual pursuits and for some others it is in their job or their family. We are all people with substance, with passions and aspirations and plans for the way we would like our lives to be. Not one person who lives and breathes on this planet is better than anyone else. And not one of us get through life without feeling the sometimes staggering blow of failure. You may constantly feel like you are failing in life, but for every step that you take forward, for every time you pick your crumpled self up off the floor, for every positive thought that overrides a negative one, you attain success. Success is not always measured in glitzy gowns and prize packages. It's not always obvious. Sometimes it's that wee voice that battles through a raging storm of a troubled mind and incites you on.
The fear of failure or failing often immobilizers us. It's certainly kept me from pursuing my passions. I've been so scared of failing, that I haven't even bothered trying. I've lived for years listening to "What if's?" and only dared to dream but never move beyond my fantasies and wishful thinking. I've let my fear of failing stifle any chance for success. If I spend my whole life doing that, then I will have failed. It's in failing that we learn more about ourselves, about the world and about being open to new possibilities. If you are open to recognizing the lessons that come out of 'failing' and willing to venture down different avenues then you will always turn short term failings into long term successes.
Failing does not define you as a person. It is what you do after you have failed that determines your character. Do you have the tenacity to stand strong in the face of your fears? Do you have the courage to chase your dreams? Are you willing to recognize that sometimes when a 'sure thing' fails it can lead you down the perfect path to the promised land?
I've started to look at failing as just an alternative pathway on my road to success! It might not always be the road I imagined I would go down, but the destination remains the same. I am excited to fail...because it means that at least I'm putting action to my dreams. I am about to send off some children's stories to publishing houses. More than likely, they will be rejected. But then at least I will know that there are four publishing houses on my list that I will not have to worry about.*_* When, and if, I do "make it," it won't be solely on my successes, but also in all the broken steps bridged by a compulsion to 'sally' forth in spite of all my failures. So go ahead and fail, it makes the journey (life) worth it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I AM.....
I AM AWESOME! I AM SPECTACULAR! I AM WONDERFUL! I AM WORTHY! I AM 'fill in the blank here ______!'I AM working hard to believe all of the above!! Every day I force myself to stand in front of my mirror and share what I like about me. I'm not gonna lie, some days are really awkward. I stand there, my reflection looking back at me with this doleful expression, as I recite some affirmations and gush over the few physical attributes I am willing to concede are pretty darn good. I look forward to the day I actually begin to really, truly, deep down in the far reaches of my soul believe them.
Self hatred is a hideous disease. It's the cancer of the mind and soul and will destroy you unless you destroy it first. Miss Sucky tends to focus on all her worst attributes and left to her own devices would quite happily throw regular pity parties. (Miss Sucky is a bit of a drama queen!) Miss Awesome recognizes her self-loathing for what it truly is; a bunch of lies. For example, Miss Awesome might have the phrase "you look like a big fat elephotomas" (that's a cross between an elephant and a hippopotamus, by the way, a very rare breed indeed!) pop into her head and she's quick to grab it by the scruff of its neck and throw it off the nearest tallest building. Miss Sucky, sadly, would fall for it for some time, ushering it in as though it was king and she a mere slave (until Miss Awesome swoops in and puts things right!) Miss Awesome stands up for herself and loves who she is, right where she is at. In fact, Miss Awesome can rattle off ten great things about herself before you can say "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."
So the self-hatred has to go. It's completely useless, toxic and quite frankly, a bit of a party pooper! There is no place for it in my life (or yours for that matter!) So, I'm digging it out by the root, lighting it on fire and roasting some marshmallows in the glowing embers of my discontent. In the Year of the Sally, there is no room for self hatred. This is a year where I extend an olive branch to myself and say "I accept you girl." I'm working on a fairly new concept for me. The idea of self love. And no- I am not being lewd! *_* I am finally learning to embrace who I am and right where I am at. I may not be exactly where I want to be, but at least I know where I want to be going. Many of my dreams may as yet be unrealized but at least I dare to dream.
The art of self love is learning to appreciate who you are in every moment. It's acknowledging your hopes, your dreams, your fears and insecurities. It's recognizing what moves you to tears and motivates you into action. It's understanding that loss can make you stronger, that pain can be a blessing and that peace can soothe a savage mind encumbered with a million thoughts. Self love is about annihilating old habits and previous thought patterns. It's realizing that even when you FEEL like Miss Sucky, you are STILL Miss Awesome.
It's not easy to cast aside such a heavy cloak of self-loathing, but I refuse to remain shackled to fear; to thoughts that bind and break; to all the lies. I endeavor to live an honest life, but how can I do so when I lie to myself? I so often negate the Awesomeness within, choosing instead to play the tragic victim of my own choices (and maybe sometimes fate at play.)Well NO MORE! It's time to stop listening to the lies and start believing in the truth about me. No more bowing down to falsehoods or sitting at the feet of mendacity. No more looking in mirrors and seeing a distorted image of myself or paying heed to lying tongues of my own making. Nope.No way. I've had my fill. While self hatred is a hideous disease, it's not a terminal case. So, say it with me people: I AM REMARKABLE! I AM PHENOMENAL! I AM DIVINE! I AM FANTASTIC ! I AM 'fill in the blank here ______!'
Self hatred is a hideous disease. It's the cancer of the mind and soul and will destroy you unless you destroy it first. Miss Sucky tends to focus on all her worst attributes and left to her own devices would quite happily throw regular pity parties. (Miss Sucky is a bit of a drama queen!) Miss Awesome recognizes her self-loathing for what it truly is; a bunch of lies. For example, Miss Awesome might have the phrase "you look like a big fat elephotomas" (that's a cross between an elephant and a hippopotamus, by the way, a very rare breed indeed!) pop into her head and she's quick to grab it by the scruff of its neck and throw it off the nearest tallest building. Miss Sucky, sadly, would fall for it for some time, ushering it in as though it was king and she a mere slave (until Miss Awesome swoops in and puts things right!) Miss Awesome stands up for herself and loves who she is, right where she is at. In fact, Miss Awesome can rattle off ten great things about herself before you can say "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."
So the self-hatred has to go. It's completely useless, toxic and quite frankly, a bit of a party pooper! There is no place for it in my life (or yours for that matter!) So, I'm digging it out by the root, lighting it on fire and roasting some marshmallows in the glowing embers of my discontent. In the Year of the Sally, there is no room for self hatred. This is a year where I extend an olive branch to myself and say "I accept you girl." I'm working on a fairly new concept for me. The idea of self love. And no- I am not being lewd! *_* I am finally learning to embrace who I am and right where I am at. I may not be exactly where I want to be, but at least I know where I want to be going. Many of my dreams may as yet be unrealized but at least I dare to dream.
The art of self love is learning to appreciate who you are in every moment. It's acknowledging your hopes, your dreams, your fears and insecurities. It's recognizing what moves you to tears and motivates you into action. It's understanding that loss can make you stronger, that pain can be a blessing and that peace can soothe a savage mind encumbered with a million thoughts. Self love is about annihilating old habits and previous thought patterns. It's realizing that even when you FEEL like Miss Sucky, you are STILL Miss Awesome.
It's not easy to cast aside such a heavy cloak of self-loathing, but I refuse to remain shackled to fear; to thoughts that bind and break; to all the lies. I endeavor to live an honest life, but how can I do so when I lie to myself? I so often negate the Awesomeness within, choosing instead to play the tragic victim of my own choices (and maybe sometimes fate at play.)Well NO MORE! It's time to stop listening to the lies and start believing in the truth about me. No more bowing down to falsehoods or sitting at the feet of mendacity. No more looking in mirrors and seeing a distorted image of myself or paying heed to lying tongues of my own making. Nope.No way. I've had my fill. While self hatred is a hideous disease, it's not a terminal case. So, say it with me people: I AM REMARKABLE! I AM PHENOMENAL! I AM DIVINE! I AM FANTASTIC ! I AM 'fill in the blank here ______!'
Thursday, January 13, 2011
One Day At A Time
The promise of each new day should fill us with pleasure. For each new day starts out a clean slate, an empty canvas, an unwritten song...and all one can hope for, is that with each new day that dawns, it's better than the one before. But that is not exactly how life works. Some days you rock it and other days you don't. I share the following now to remind us all that while two days are never the same, it's really our reactions to the events that unfold that define a good day or one that we would rather lock up in a little box marked 'ugh' and file away under the stairs.
Miss Sucky's day begins traumatically. A bird flies in through her open window and the fluttering of it clunking around her room quickly wakes her up. Miss Sucky is terrified of birds, so the panic sets in as she tries to get the bird, or herself, out of the room. The ensuing chaos awakens her roommates who rush to her aid thinking that her screams are signaling an attack. With three grown adults waving their arms around like they are trying to put a fire out, the bird finally finds its way back out the window and Miss Sucky is relieved...until she discovers the little blighter has left his calling card all over her room! She reminds herself that this is what it must mean to be "scared shit-less" and is grateful that at least she didn't follow suit. Her mind then falls to 'him' and she feels a pang of longing and sadness. No anger or bitterness, just a need for him. A need she knows will never be met. She pushes down the seeping wound and gets to work cleaning up after the bird. Her roommates bring her a cup of tea and tell her she has poop in her hair. Grossed out, Miss Sucky jumps into the shower and tries to wash out her hair without touching it. At breakfast her roommate tells her that "it's good luck if a bird poops in your hair." She tells him that "It sure doesn't feel like luck." Sadly, this is the highlight of her day.
Miss Awesome's day starts out perfectly. There are no birds cooing incessantly from the tree outside her window. The day is golden rays streaked across a dreamy blue sky. Thankfully, her first thought is not of 'him,' and while he features fleetingly in her mind throughout the day, it does not grip her heart with a sense of profound loss. She's healing; things are looking up. Miss Awesome heads to her favorite cafe; a little hole-in-the-wall place that serves food that your mouth will mistake as heaven. The coffee is smooth and rich, her muffin is bursting with fruit and the accompanying creme fraiche is both sweet and tart- a palate of perfection to tantalize the taste buds.
Meanwhile, Miss Sucky is making her way to an appointment 40 minutes drive away from her home. She has no car, so the forty minutes will be stretched into several hours and numerous bus rides. But she doesn't mind. It's a beautiful day and she's thinking about going to the beach after wards. On account of blue skies and days of endless sunshine, she has left her umbrella home. It rains! But not until she is preparing to head to the beach after finishing her appointment. The rain is hard and heavy and she is left walking in it after waiting for a bus that never comes. She has to walk barefoot because her wet flip flops make the journey treacherous. She reaches her destination, another bus stop, soaked through. While waiting, she realizes that the cheap dye on her handbag has leeched all down the side of her tee shirt. She improvises and switches the bag to the other side in the hopes that maybe she can try and match the stain. She has to wait forty minutes for the bus to arrive. She's tired, wet and now a gnawing pit of hunger reminds her that she's missed lunch. And since the rain continues to tumble from the sky, there will be no beach today.
Miss Awesome gets some writing done before meeting up with a friend for lunch. Afterward, she heads to a park and under the shade of a tree writes some more. She then catches a film at the local art house and meets up with a few friends for drinks and dinner in the evening. She gets home and writes before falling asleep feeling satisfied with her day. If only every day could be as productive and relaxing as this one. 'He' doesn't even cross her mind as she lays there drifting off and she doesn't even realize that it's the first night where her last thought is not of him.
Miss Sucky spends at least half of her day cursing the public transportation system gods for their insufferable cruelty and blatant inability to create a cohesive schedule. It's been a 9 to 5 job just getting to her one hr long appointment and back again. She was going to stop and have coffee and write for a bit, but still soaking, she opts instead to take bus number six and head on home. She cancels her date for the night so that she can make up for lost time in not having written earlier in the day and then proceeds to procrastinate the night away. She goes to sleep fighting off thoughts of 'him' and failing.
Life can only be taken one day at a time; that is all we have. Some days it feels like nothing is going your way and that the whole world has conspired against you. I call those my "Miss Sucky" days. And it's not so much that I'm 'Sucky' as a person- it's more that all those little moments that pile up into one gigantic mess of misery can kind of overwhelm you if you let it. I'm working hard on being more "Miss Awesome" even on the days that would strive to constrict me into my "Miss Sucky' role. There will be days when I struggle to find beauty, sanity, strength, purpose and peace. There may be moments when my circumstances have got me so beaten down that hope seems like a four letter word spoken only through a dead mans lips. This is the reality of life. And I embrace it all. For it is in the struggle I find myself and it is in the reactions I have to my circumstances that I free myself to be the woman I was created to be.
Miss Sucky's day begins traumatically. A bird flies in through her open window and the fluttering of it clunking around her room quickly wakes her up. Miss Sucky is terrified of birds, so the panic sets in as she tries to get the bird, or herself, out of the room. The ensuing chaos awakens her roommates who rush to her aid thinking that her screams are signaling an attack. With three grown adults waving their arms around like they are trying to put a fire out, the bird finally finds its way back out the window and Miss Sucky is relieved...until she discovers the little blighter has left his calling card all over her room! She reminds herself that this is what it must mean to be "scared shit-less" and is grateful that at least she didn't follow suit. Her mind then falls to 'him' and she feels a pang of longing and sadness. No anger or bitterness, just a need for him. A need she knows will never be met. She pushes down the seeping wound and gets to work cleaning up after the bird. Her roommates bring her a cup of tea and tell her she has poop in her hair. Grossed out, Miss Sucky jumps into the shower and tries to wash out her hair without touching it. At breakfast her roommate tells her that "it's good luck if a bird poops in your hair." She tells him that "It sure doesn't feel like luck." Sadly, this is the highlight of her day.
Miss Awesome's day starts out perfectly. There are no birds cooing incessantly from the tree outside her window. The day is golden rays streaked across a dreamy blue sky. Thankfully, her first thought is not of 'him,' and while he features fleetingly in her mind throughout the day, it does not grip her heart with a sense of profound loss. She's healing; things are looking up. Miss Awesome heads to her favorite cafe; a little hole-in-the-wall place that serves food that your mouth will mistake as heaven. The coffee is smooth and rich, her muffin is bursting with fruit and the accompanying creme fraiche is both sweet and tart- a palate of perfection to tantalize the taste buds.
Meanwhile, Miss Sucky is making her way to an appointment 40 minutes drive away from her home. She has no car, so the forty minutes will be stretched into several hours and numerous bus rides. But she doesn't mind. It's a beautiful day and she's thinking about going to the beach after wards. On account of blue skies and days of endless sunshine, she has left her umbrella home. It rains! But not until she is preparing to head to the beach after finishing her appointment. The rain is hard and heavy and she is left walking in it after waiting for a bus that never comes. She has to walk barefoot because her wet flip flops make the journey treacherous. She reaches her destination, another bus stop, soaked through. While waiting, she realizes that the cheap dye on her handbag has leeched all down the side of her tee shirt. She improvises and switches the bag to the other side in the hopes that maybe she can try and match the stain. She has to wait forty minutes for the bus to arrive. She's tired, wet and now a gnawing pit of hunger reminds her that she's missed lunch. And since the rain continues to tumble from the sky, there will be no beach today.
Miss Awesome gets some writing done before meeting up with a friend for lunch. Afterward, she heads to a park and under the shade of a tree writes some more. She then catches a film at the local art house and meets up with a few friends for drinks and dinner in the evening. She gets home and writes before falling asleep feeling satisfied with her day. If only every day could be as productive and relaxing as this one. 'He' doesn't even cross her mind as she lays there drifting off and she doesn't even realize that it's the first night where her last thought is not of him.
Miss Sucky spends at least half of her day cursing the public transportation system gods for their insufferable cruelty and blatant inability to create a cohesive schedule. It's been a 9 to 5 job just getting to her one hr long appointment and back again. She was going to stop and have coffee and write for a bit, but still soaking, she opts instead to take bus number six and head on home. She cancels her date for the night so that she can make up for lost time in not having written earlier in the day and then proceeds to procrastinate the night away. She goes to sleep fighting off thoughts of 'him' and failing.
Life can only be taken one day at a time; that is all we have. Some days it feels like nothing is going your way and that the whole world has conspired against you. I call those my "Miss Sucky" days. And it's not so much that I'm 'Sucky' as a person- it's more that all those little moments that pile up into one gigantic mess of misery can kind of overwhelm you if you let it. I'm working hard on being more "Miss Awesome" even on the days that would strive to constrict me into my "Miss Sucky' role. There will be days when I struggle to find beauty, sanity, strength, purpose and peace. There may be moments when my circumstances have got me so beaten down that hope seems like a four letter word spoken only through a dead mans lips. This is the reality of life. And I embrace it all. For it is in the struggle I find myself and it is in the reactions I have to my circumstances that I free myself to be the woman I was created to be.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Liar Liar Pants on Fire
Generally, I'd say I'm pretty damn good at spotting a falsehood. But in the age of technology, it's getting easy to master the art of deception. And there's no where it seems more rampant than on dating sites. I "met" the man of my dreams on such a site...initially suspicious to the core by online dating, I had only signed up on the site to alleviate boredom. I never anticipated falling in love, or having my heart broken by an online Lothario. I'm a smart cookie, sentimental and emotional yes, but I was sure that I wouldn't be easily swayed down the same path I had watched so many others go; like lambs to the slaughter, their hearts about to be trampled on and easily discarded. I'm Miss Awesome, so surely any guy worth my time will be a guy who sees that? I truly believed I found him... but all I found was a broken person who seems to have relished in the delight of almost breaking me. I realized that this man, whom I had thought I had known so well, and had given myself to so completely, was no more than a figment of my own imaginations. He lived, he breathed, he existed in the real world. But he did not exist in mine. In five months, he promised me a lifetime and yet, couldn't even give me one day. Loving him as deeply as I did and losing him was a painful lesson in self love. It's never easy to get your heart karate-chopped to the ground, but despite the agony of my brokenness, I do not regret loving him. For loving him made me happier, it made me healthier and ultimately, loving him, helped me fall in love with myself. It's been a hard lesson learned though. There have been days where knowing that he existed in the world and we would never be together made life without him seem pointless. But time is a soothing balm to all wounds and it is only with time that my mind has been able to get a better perspective than my heart ever could.
There were warnings signs, of course, that Mr Awesome was really not. But love, as the old saying goes is blind. It's also pretty darn stupid! Call me naive, but I prefer to think of myself as someone who believes in the best in someone always. I will search out the light in anyone- even if it seems there is none to be found. I choose to believe that people are good, even in a world that contradicts that belief every day. So I ignored the warning signs that my beloved was not as wonderful as he portrayed himself to be. They were small, and looked at on their own seemed somewhat insignificant. Now, when viewing them as a collective whole, it seems so glaringly obvious that this was only a game and he had never really loved me at all. That's a painful realization to come to; that I could love and yet not be loved. But it really speaks more about his character then it does mine. For "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." I was willing to do something that he could or would not do, and that was to give myself in love to another person. There is nothing more fearless than that. And that's what makes me "Miss Awesome" in this situation; because I recognize that loving someone with no conditions and no restraints is a strength not a weakness.
So, as a public service, here are my "warning signs" that Mr.Awesome might in all actuality really be Mr. Sucky.
1)His name is not online: My boy never had anything in his real name (and I use the term, "real name" loosely here, because let's face it, I don't even know if that much is true!) His skype and hotmail addresses were under nicknames. Even the voice mail on his phone was just the standard message- no personal greeting of any kind. He was ungoogle-ble; not one scratch of evidence to his true identity surfaced, even after hours of online searching. (I know that makes me sound like a stalker, but after wards I got curious) And he doesn't have face book? REALLY? I never quite bought that one- a 35yr old guy doesn't have facebook? Maybe if he was living in the 12th century that excuse might wash!
2)He won't tell you where he works: Now this one started off as a game...he wanted to make me guess by giving me clues. But then he would never tell me if I was right or wrong and would laugh every time I said that the game was no fun anymore and I wanted to know where he worked. I never did find out- so I'm skeptical that he really did do the job he claimed he had.
3)He was "away on business:" When he first told me he was away, he said it would only probably be a few weeks, but he wasn't sure...five months later and the guy was still 'away on business.' My friends are all convinced that he had never even left the city, let alone the country. I hate to concede that they may be right, but they probably are.
4)His web cam doesn't work: Now girls...and boys, this is a major sign that I stupidly overlooked in my infatuation. A broken web cam for a couple of nights is one thing....but if they always make an excuse as to why its still broken (and I even looked up his web cam and how to install it correctly and troubleshooting tips and emailed him the link from two different address to ensure he got the info, and he STILL didn't 'get around to it!' Ugh- I am hitting myself now even as I write this- its so obvious, I just chose to ignore it)then they are definitely hiding something.
5)He tells you that he sent you pictures and emails and you never received them: My boy said he sent me a video message that was a half hr long- to my phone! Now, I might only be acting like a tech support in my day job, but even I am not dumb enough to fall for that one. Who in their right mind would attempt to send a video that is that long to a phone! And since when does hotmail not work? If I can get spam, then messages from people in my contact list should sail through.
6)He'll send you pictures...but not of his face: yeah I think you know where I am going with that one...enough said! Although I'd just like to point out that it is interesting that out of all the pictures he sent me the ones I never received were the ones of his face. (yeah, don't worry, I am kicking myself again here too!)
7) A lot of technical problems: We had constant trouble with skype and calling and texting on our cell phones. I mean incredibly bad problems. So i attempted to keep communication open via emailing and posting on the site where we met. The one time he emailed me back- it was under a different name (which I was able to Google and I am still confused to this day about it.) He post me back on the site saying he missed me, but had lost his phone, or left it someplace or give some reason why it had been several days since we had last talked. (Man, I really was blindly in love with this Don Juan wannabe!)
There are bound to be more signs emblazoned across the sky that I misread or simply ignored. It's a little embarrassing to share these signs and now as I read the above over I'm almost pondering NOT sharing them. But these are the things we do when we love sometimes. Life gives us opportunities to learn and grow and change everyday and in every situation that comes our way. Some days our awesome selves will win. Other times, our sucky side kicks in and plays us into the ground. But we have to be willing to pick ourselves up, dust the crud off our clothes and carry on knowing that Miss Sucky might be in control today, but Miss Awesome will be back on top tomorrow. Or hopefully in five minutes. Or even now.... If there is a lesson to be learned here (and there always is folks) it's that one should always be open to every opportunity and especially to love... But if it smells like a fish, it probably is.
There were warnings signs, of course, that Mr Awesome was really not. But love, as the old saying goes is blind. It's also pretty darn stupid! Call me naive, but I prefer to think of myself as someone who believes in the best in someone always. I will search out the light in anyone- even if it seems there is none to be found. I choose to believe that people are good, even in a world that contradicts that belief every day. So I ignored the warning signs that my beloved was not as wonderful as he portrayed himself to be. They were small, and looked at on their own seemed somewhat insignificant. Now, when viewing them as a collective whole, it seems so glaringly obvious that this was only a game and he had never really loved me at all. That's a painful realization to come to; that I could love and yet not be loved. But it really speaks more about his character then it does mine. For "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." I was willing to do something that he could or would not do, and that was to give myself in love to another person. There is nothing more fearless than that. And that's what makes me "Miss Awesome" in this situation; because I recognize that loving someone with no conditions and no restraints is a strength not a weakness.
So, as a public service, here are my "warning signs" that Mr.Awesome might in all actuality really be Mr. Sucky.
1)His name is not online: My boy never had anything in his real name (and I use the term, "real name" loosely here, because let's face it, I don't even know if that much is true!) His skype and hotmail addresses were under nicknames. Even the voice mail on his phone was just the standard message- no personal greeting of any kind. He was ungoogle-ble; not one scratch of evidence to his true identity surfaced, even after hours of online searching. (I know that makes me sound like a stalker, but after wards I got curious) And he doesn't have face book? REALLY? I never quite bought that one- a 35yr old guy doesn't have facebook? Maybe if he was living in the 12th century that excuse might wash!
2)He won't tell you where he works: Now this one started off as a game...he wanted to make me guess by giving me clues. But then he would never tell me if I was right or wrong and would laugh every time I said that the game was no fun anymore and I wanted to know where he worked. I never did find out- so I'm skeptical that he really did do the job he claimed he had.
3)He was "away on business:" When he first told me he was away, he said it would only probably be a few weeks, but he wasn't sure...five months later and the guy was still 'away on business.' My friends are all convinced that he had never even left the city, let alone the country. I hate to concede that they may be right, but they probably are.
4)His web cam doesn't work: Now girls...and boys, this is a major sign that I stupidly overlooked in my infatuation. A broken web cam for a couple of nights is one thing....but if they always make an excuse as to why its still broken (and I even looked up his web cam and how to install it correctly and troubleshooting tips and emailed him the link from two different address to ensure he got the info, and he STILL didn't 'get around to it!' Ugh- I am hitting myself now even as I write this- its so obvious, I just chose to ignore it)then they are definitely hiding something.
5)He tells you that he sent you pictures and emails and you never received them: My boy said he sent me a video message that was a half hr long- to my phone! Now, I might only be acting like a tech support in my day job, but even I am not dumb enough to fall for that one. Who in their right mind would attempt to send a video that is that long to a phone! And since when does hotmail not work? If I can get spam, then messages from people in my contact list should sail through.
6)He'll send you pictures...but not of his face: yeah I think you know where I am going with that one...enough said! Although I'd just like to point out that it is interesting that out of all the pictures he sent me the ones I never received were the ones of his face. (yeah, don't worry, I am kicking myself again here too!)
7) A lot of technical problems: We had constant trouble with skype and calling and texting on our cell phones. I mean incredibly bad problems. So i attempted to keep communication open via emailing and posting on the site where we met. The one time he emailed me back- it was under a different name (which I was able to Google and I am still confused to this day about it.) He post me back on the site saying he missed me, but had lost his phone, or left it someplace or give some reason why it had been several days since we had last talked. (Man, I really was blindly in love with this Don Juan wannabe!)
There are bound to be more signs emblazoned across the sky that I misread or simply ignored. It's a little embarrassing to share these signs and now as I read the above over I'm almost pondering NOT sharing them. But these are the things we do when we love sometimes. Life gives us opportunities to learn and grow and change everyday and in every situation that comes our way. Some days our awesome selves will win. Other times, our sucky side kicks in and plays us into the ground. But we have to be willing to pick ourselves up, dust the crud off our clothes and carry on knowing that Miss Sucky might be in control today, but Miss Awesome will be back on top tomorrow. Or hopefully in five minutes. Or even now.... If there is a lesson to be learned here (and there always is folks) it's that one should always be open to every opportunity and especially to love... But if it smells like a fish, it probably is.
The Year of the Sally
My roommates and I have decreed that 2011 is not just the year of the rabbit, but the year of the Sally. We are even thinking about getting t-shirts printed; something snazzy with stars and glitter perhaps, and maybe a catchy slogan like "It's all about the Sally". Well, probably something a little more catchier than that...but whatever! My point is, and i think i may even have one, that this year is my year. The good thing about the start of a New Year is that it gives us a chance to start again. Kind of. Actually, we don't need a New Year to do that for us. We can start each day, even each moment that way. It's just the promise of a New Year seems to offer us the opportunity to say "This is my year! This is my chance to change my life, undo the mistakes of the past and maybe not f@#k it all up." We are ten days into it, and so far I've managed to stick to some of the patterns I'm trying to create in my new life. But every now and then there are those days that come along and make you think, that this year, just like any other, is going to be filled with its own trials, tribulations and tears. And maybe even a few tantrums along the way.
So what does The Year of the Sally offer me? The same things it probably offers you; new opportunities for work and play, romances lost, forsaken or hopefully, in my case, found and bound and locked in my basement. Just kidding. I don't have a basement!
It offers us to be the person we want to be. And for me that means being true to myself. I've finally decided to stop pushing myself around, to realize that I am a person of worth, with boundless creativity, with hopes and dreams that can be realized if I would just step out of my own fears and insecurities. This is step one...right here, right now, what you are reading. A baby step on my road to rediscovering who I am and who I wish to be and hopefully being able to reconcile the two to each other! This is my chance to let the awesomeness out or as Katy Perry puts it in her song Firework," You just got to ignite the light and let it shine." This song is one of my defining mantra's of the moment. It inspires me to move out of the shadows, to push aside the negative self-talk that has become an ugly habit I am in the process of trying to break once and for all, and to become the woman I was destined to be. I'm not entirely sure who she is yet- right now I'm stuck in the middle of being Miss Awesome and Miss Not -so- much (that's where the "I suck" factor comes in). I'm leaning towards Miss Awesome because that's what I am. I am awesome....when I don't suck!
So what does The Year of the Sally offer me? The same things it probably offers you; new opportunities for work and play, romances lost, forsaken or hopefully, in my case, found and bound and locked in my basement. Just kidding. I don't have a basement!
It offers us to be the person we want to be. And for me that means being true to myself. I've finally decided to stop pushing myself around, to realize that I am a person of worth, with boundless creativity, with hopes and dreams that can be realized if I would just step out of my own fears and insecurities. This is step one...right here, right now, what you are reading. A baby step on my road to rediscovering who I am and who I wish to be and hopefully being able to reconcile the two to each other! This is my chance to let the awesomeness out or as Katy Perry puts it in her song Firework," You just got to ignite the light and let it shine." This song is one of my defining mantra's of the moment. It inspires me to move out of the shadows, to push aside the negative self-talk that has become an ugly habit I am in the process of trying to break once and for all, and to become the woman I was destined to be. I'm not entirely sure who she is yet- right now I'm stuck in the middle of being Miss Awesome and Miss Not -so- much (that's where the "I suck" factor comes in). I'm leaning towards Miss Awesome because that's what I am. I am awesome....when I don't suck!
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