Take Me or Leave Me Baby

Not everybody likes me. This realization a few years ago would have made me cry. But now, it doesn't really come as a shock. After all, I can't expect everyone to like me when I can't and don't like everyone. While I always try to show respect to everyone I meet, there are some people who no matter what you or they do, you just don't like them. Sometimes they can be obvious reasons. And sometimes, it's not something you can put your finger on, more just a knowing on the inside that this person and you go together about as well as pigs on ice skates. I have learned to understand that despite my obvious awesomeness, some people don't like, get or appreciate me. My honesty, my 'live life loud' nature and even my laugh can, and probably do, rub people the wrong way. I used to care about that. I wanted to be Miss Popular, Miss Congeniality. You know the girl who you look at and think "I wish I was just like that girl," girl.

Now, I realize that life is not a popularity contest. I don't need other peoples approval. Because honestly, the only person that matters most in the "who likes me" game is- ME! And if I don't really, truly like myself, then I can't expect others to either.

We can spend our whole lives chasing this idea that we must 'be all things to all people" and must have everyone we encounter like us rather than live our lives being true to who we are. I guess the problem is, so many of us don't really know who we are. We look to the media, to celebrities, to religion, to our jobs, to other people to tell us who we are, or who we should be. And even if we do know who we are, we are often so scared of being rejected that we refuse to step into all we can be. Wanting everyone to like you is a sign of being both self centered and insecure. And understanding that not everyone will like you does not mean that it is a reflection on you- although it sure does feel like it!

As I walk the path of self- discovery and step more and more into who I am, I must be prepared for the inevitable. I will lose friends. I will lose people who I thought I could count on forever. Because when you break out of the box that people put you in, they don't know what to do. People want to smash you back into the box and squish on the lid because it's safer for them. But once out, who would ever want to go back? I like this Sally. The one who feels freer than she has ever been. The one who doesn't feel restricted by peoples perceptions or constricted to fit a mold that wasn't meant for me. So I will lose friends as I enter into who I am. And that is just fine.

It doesn't mean to say that I won't mourn the loss of these friendships. Sometimes, its very hard to let something or someone go. We can resist letting go of things or people that we know deep down we should. Some people are gifts that stay in our lives always, and others are gifts for just a season. The hard thing is knowing which is which. I am grateful for all the people who have traversed the roads in my life. Some have broken the road into pieces and created obstructions and others have made the road a little less rocky. All have taught me something. I am a better, stronger and more compassionate person for having been touched and challenged and changed by those who have walked through my life. But I recognize now, more than ever, that this really is my one shot. This is my life and I must choose to live it the way that defines me. So I brace myself to lose friends, to be 'disapproved of' to be judged by people who don't or won't even attempt to understand me.

But I will gain more than I lose. I gain me. I gain my truth. And I gain people who do appreciate what makes me a unique and wonderful individual. I don't need the world's adoration. I don't even need my family's approval. I need to just own myself. And be brave enough to be the Sally I was always created to be. Because, she's a pretty wonderful girl. And that is not just my truth, but it is a truth for each and every one of us. It's time we remembered that life is short and not always sweet. But when we live an authentic life our sorrows are far fewer. So, you can take me or leave me. That's ok. I'm good with that. Because this is me. This is who I am and I am here to stay.

Just Say No to Mediocrity

Miss Sucky is having herself quite the week. She is moody and grumpy and weepy and generally hovering under a grey cloud of discontent and personal dissatisfaction. Miss Awesome is usually a ray of sunshine and cuts through even the dreariest of days. But Miss Awesome is not winning the battle this week. Miss Awesome is struggling to retain her grip (on sanity and in having the upper hand that is the power struggle between both herself and Miss Sucky.)

I've been struggling a bit lately because my life isn't lining up with my passions. My days are filled with the sameness of a life that I feel I've become trapped in. When life doesn't add up in the way we want, it's easy to feel unsatisfied, annoyed, and helpless. But there is power. You have all the power you ever need with yourself. Don't like your life? Change it! That has always been my motto. Adjust your attitude or adjust the situation. Something's gotta give, something's gotta change. And usually, as annoying as it is to admit, the thing that has to change is us!

So what are the causes for my deep dissatisfaction? They are, in truth, too numerous to list and perhaps even ambiguous to me. So I guess the real question here is, what am I going to do about it? I certainly feel stuck in a vortex of lost dreams and broken ideals. But that is too much "Miss Sucky" type thinking. And I AM Miss Awesome (even when I feel like I or everything about my life sucks.)

What am I going to do about it? About ensuring I don't stagnate here in this moment where fate and circumstance has pinned me down? I guess I ought to recognize it as an opportunity to ensure that I don't wallow here for too long. Feeling like I'm stuck in mediocrity might not actually be such a bad thing. Because, firstly, at least I recognize I am. And secondly, saying no to medocrity means movement. It means action. It means that I have to do something to change my here and now, rather than just blame bad luck or bad timing or any of the things that pop into my Miss Sucky brain. It means taking responsibility for my life (another thing Miss Sucky would rather avoid) and moving towards making my life meaningful in every little moment (roadblocks, stagnation, long trailing paths up steep hills with no end in sight included.)I have the power to change my life. Me. All the self-help books, the gentle proddings from friends and doors of opportunity mean nothing if I don't get some traction and take some action. Saying no to medocrity means saying yes to motion. So I'm gonna get going because it's all up to me. Just as its always been.

To Be or Not To Be

I am a very open person. And I'm proud of it. I'd rather be someone who lives my life visible to others than to hide away in some dark corner with all my fears and insecurities. Miss Sucky spends her life in an anxious discomfort of fear and judgment. I declare me to be a judge-free zone. Because what anyone thinks of me pales into insignificance over what I think of myself. And I'm an awesome person, with passion and integrity and a burning desire to make this world a better place.

I don't judge people so it does actually shock me when I am judged. I don't always know how to respond to it. Case in point, today I found out that I am the latest victim on the rumor mill at work. Miss Awesome would not care. Sadly for me, Miss Awesome had apparently taken the day off and skipped town with no warning and Miss Sucky was left to fend for herself. She did not fare so well. Miss Sucky took it deeply personal and wallowed in the shit storm for several hours. Self doubt plagued her. She even considered putting herself in the box it seemed the world has been desperately trying to squash her into. People aren't meant for boxes. I don't think that I should be forced into any boxes just because my openness makes others feel uncomfortable. Actually, your feeling uncomfortable is your problem, not mine, and I'm not going to wear it anymore.

We are all designed as unique beings. Some of our attributes will confuse, bemuse, scare, intimidate and even stir up hatred in others. But if we start living down to other peoples expectations we create a world where the beauty of individuality can no longer exist. I am me. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I sometimes even over react on occasion. It's called being human. Miss Sucky can quickly beat herself up in such moments, even when there is no need for her to do so. Miss Awesome realizes that there are always lessons to be learned and she is grateful. There's a great saying Miss Awesome reminded me of tonight as I reflected once more upon the days events; Hurt people, hurt people. We are all broken people in some way or another. Each of us have our wounds to bear, some fresh and newly scabbed and others faint scars that serve as reminders of where we have been. Some days something will happen that may tear open the wound, or create a new one. The real test is in how we react in an attack. When Miss Awesome is in full form these attacks are minor speed bumps on the highway of life. With Miss Sucky behind the wheel though, the minor speed bumps suddenly feel like going over a thousand miles on a dirt and gravel road with no suspension. Today was my gravel road. Tomorrow I hope to be back on the highway.

I have given the idea of not being me a lot of thought. In fact, I have even invested years into that pursuit. I have denied myself, I have tried to fit into people's pre-conceived notions of who I am and who I should be. And I have been beyond miserable. Miss Sucky scrambles to fit in because she is afraid of being rejected. Miss Awesome feels secure in who she is and where she wants to be and understands that the judgments passed on her by inconsequential people will have little effect on her awesomeness. Love me or hate me...that's totally up to you. But this girl is choosing to love herself and be the person she is and is meant to be. Because let's face it, if you can't be true to yourself then life is all for naught. So I'm recycling the box and stepping out with my head high knowing that I am who I am and that is a remarkable and beautiful thing! And if you don't like it, it's all good. I'll just give you the two finger salute and be on my way.