This week has been one of those weeks where I am making progress and standing still all at the same time. Kind of how I imagine a hamster must feel racing around on one of those wheels inside a cage. (You know this is serious when you liken yourself to a hamster!) There have been moments this week where Miss Sucky seems like a distance memory, and then WHAM! she surfaces and puts Miss Awesome in a headlock. Some days, being me is a fine line between hope and helplessness. The years of self hatred that I've inflicted upon my heart, mind and soul have become like a city peopled with disgust and disappointment. But hope, like an insurgent, is slowing breaking through and breaking down and re-establishing the truth of me. Self-hatred burdens you with a skewered view of who you really are. Sometimes, you are so in the thick of it, that you cannot see that you are running headlong into a trap of your own making. Now, I know that we all suffer from a little self-loathing from time to time. It is part of what makes us human. But, it should be something rare and infrequent. Like an out of town visit with those relatives of yours that make you cringe to acknowledge the same blood runs through your veins.
As part of the 'new and improved' Sally (which is really nothing new- just embracing my awesome self) I have drawn up a battle plan to search out and destroy every last snippet of self-hatred that lurks in the recesses of my heart and mind. Now I am no General or Admiral, Corporate or even Private...but I am a warrior (not to be confused with a worrier! *_*) And I figure that if I can stand up for the underdog, or rise with such passion on behalf of my family and friends, then perhaps I can make a stand for myself too. So here is my battle plan: Stop listening to that dude in my head which freaks out every time I compliment myself. In fact, boot him out of Sally Ville once and for all! It's time to tell him "Pack ya bags, get on ya bike, and ride off into that grand old sunset and take ya luggage with ya!"
The next step is to bulldoze down the raised statues of inferiority, insecurity and insignificance. Grind them into dust and build instead monuments of my self worth.
The third step is to line up all the lies and beat them into oblivion. WHAM! Take that despicable me! POW! malevolence! KABOOM! To you self-contempt!
There are other battle formations that I am applying as Miss Awesome battles it out for total control. Miss Sucky is scared to let go of her self-hatred because its been what she has known for so long. She worries that if she lets it go, that people will think she has become too cocky, too self assured and that the pendulum will have swung too far. But Miss Awesome understands that it isn't about what other people think. It's about what SHE thinks, about herself. We can't control the thoughts of others (although some people think we should be able to!) and the things they think about us. Some people will love and adore you, and recognize the treasure within, and some people will not. One way or the other- let it go! It really doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you. Ultimately, our self worth comes not from others, it comes from ourselves. The hint IS in the name people!
So Miss Sucky can put Miss Awesome in a thousand headlocks if she wants. It's not going to stop Miss Awesome from breaking free and re-developing the fertile land of her mental and emotional terrain. It's time to change the landscape in there. Strip everything back to the foundations and redesign my mind. We are all the grand architects of our own thoughts. What are your thoughts declaring you to be?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
One of THOSE days
Miss Sucky is struggling a bit today. “He” keeps popping into her head and won’t go away. Miss Sucky is resisting the urge to make contact. She resists because she knows he won’t respond and it will just send her heart into a downward spiral. Her friends of course, are going to be unhappy with this news. They think that she should be well over it by now. But it’s only been a month since her world imploded, and while most days are Miss Awesome days, some days are like a scabby wound that gets torn off and starts bleeding again. So today is one of those days, and this is one of those moments where strength of character and her own self worth battle it out against the fabrications that form in her mind telling her that things can still work out. Miss Awesome recognizes that there will still be days and moments like this to come, but that they will become less frequent and less insistent. She doesn’t beat herself up over these feelings like Miss Sucky does. Miss Sucky worries about what others think whereas Miss Awesome doesn’t care that her friends and family might not get why she’s not completely over it yet. The truth is the reason for Miss Sucky’s struggle is more to do with the guilt feelings she has for missing him. It might not mean much to anyone else, but she loved him and her love doesn’t just vanish into thin air despite the betrayal, the agony and disillusionment she feels. So Miss Sucky is having herself a moment of self-pity and loathing and it’s up to Miss Awesome to snap her out of it. And by 'snap her out of it' I mean realize that it's actually ok to have these moments, but not to sit in them for too long. Wallowing changes nothing.
Some days it’s difficult to look at things with logical lenses when your life feels distorted. It’s even more challenging when you can’t allow yourself to be honest about how you feel and where you are at. Truthfully, most days he is no longer my first thought. Some days he barely enters my mind at all. But then there are moments where suddenly, there he is, in all his glory. Creeping into my thoughts and making mischief with my emotions. And it’s ok. It’s ok for me to feel the loss. I’m not one of these people who can pack it down or shove it away into the back of my mind. And I don’t want to be. What makes me Miss Awesome is that I am true to myself and my feelings. As Miss Awesome I don't let myself be tormented by guilt or others expectations of how I should behave in the aftermath of my broken heart and scattered dreams. You don't like it, deal with it! This is me and while I'm always open to change, I'm through denying who I am or making excuses for it. I'm a sensitive gal, and being open to others and blatant with my emotions does not make me weak. It makes me daring. So many people try to bottle up their thoughts and feelings, pin them down or drown them in a sea of self-denial. It would be safer to go through life like that I guess. But I don't think it would make it easier.
Miss Sucky can go ahead and have her sucky moments...that's her right as a person. She can struggle and feel sad and blue over him today. But Miss Awesome is going to stand there right alongside her and make sure it doesn't get too out of hand. Miss Awesome will be there to remind her that she doesn't need anyone who doesn't love her back. Hopefully Miss Sucky will listen. And believe. And put down the phone...now.
Some days it’s difficult to look at things with logical lenses when your life feels distorted. It’s even more challenging when you can’t allow yourself to be honest about how you feel and where you are at. Truthfully, most days he is no longer my first thought. Some days he barely enters my mind at all. But then there are moments where suddenly, there he is, in all his glory. Creeping into my thoughts and making mischief with my emotions. And it’s ok. It’s ok for me to feel the loss. I’m not one of these people who can pack it down or shove it away into the back of my mind. And I don’t want to be. What makes me Miss Awesome is that I am true to myself and my feelings. As Miss Awesome I don't let myself be tormented by guilt or others expectations of how I should behave in the aftermath of my broken heart and scattered dreams. You don't like it, deal with it! This is me and while I'm always open to change, I'm through denying who I am or making excuses for it. I'm a sensitive gal, and being open to others and blatant with my emotions does not make me weak. It makes me daring. So many people try to bottle up their thoughts and feelings, pin them down or drown them in a sea of self-denial. It would be safer to go through life like that I guess. But I don't think it would make it easier.
Miss Sucky can go ahead and have her sucky moments...that's her right as a person. She can struggle and feel sad and blue over him today. But Miss Awesome is going to stand there right alongside her and make sure it doesn't get too out of hand. Miss Awesome will be there to remind her that she doesn't need anyone who doesn't love her back. Hopefully Miss Sucky will listen. And believe. And put down the phone...now.
Friday, January 21, 2011
To fail or not to fail? To fail!
There are four little letters that can bring a grown man to his knees, make a person run screaming from the room (at least metaphorically speaking) and create chaos in your mind. Four little letters that make up one little word. One little word. Seems harmless right? Yet one little word can cause big problems. The word I'm talking about today people is "Fail." Or lets take it one step further and add 'ure' or 'ing' to the end of that word. Like most people, I don't take failure easily. In fact, it bothers me to the core of my being that I might fail at anything I do. But there are times that even in my awesomeness I fall short. Sometimes, I fail. There, I said it and the sky did not fall down around me and the ground did not open up and swallow me whole. Sometimes, in some things, I fail. And that's just the way it is. As I've moved further afield from my teens and twenties I've discovered that sometimes failing is not such a big deal. And more importantly; failing and failure are not inseparable. You see, I can fail but not be a failure or be a failure and not fail. Stick with me here, because this concept might need better clarity.
There are people in life who seem like they have it all; money, cars, houses, travel to exotic locales. They have everything that the world of commerce says "This is what makes me successful." It's easy to look at the stuff they have accumulated and think "I'm a failure." But having things or going to all the hot clubs or knowing all the 'right' people does not determine the measure of a man. You can have all the riches in the world, but if you have no integrity, no empathy, no relationships that enrich your life, then it means nothing. This is what I mean by being a failure and not 'failing.' We place a lot of pressure on ourselves and others to live up to this concept that you are only successful if you have money and power. Success is more than just your bank balance and who you rub shoulders with. Money is great and I wish I had a lot more of it, but I know that my character has been forged in the fires of failing (or flailing) and still getting up and pursuing my dreams. I'm not suggesting that anyone who has anything of value (again in possessions etc) are personal failures. And I'm not advocating that people who struggle their entire lives to eek out an existence are better people inwardly than those who 'have it all' outwardly. You see being a failure, in my opinion, comes down to a persons inability to love themselves or see the worth in others. It's ultimately about being true to yourself and living a life that enhances those around you. It's being willing to go after what captures your imagination, what gets your heart racing and what makes you feel life is worth living. For some people, it is property and possessions that give them their self-worth. For others it is intellectual pursuits and for some others it is in their job or their family. We are all people with substance, with passions and aspirations and plans for the way we would like our lives to be. Not one person who lives and breathes on this planet is better than anyone else. And not one of us get through life without feeling the sometimes staggering blow of failure. You may constantly feel like you are failing in life, but for every step that you take forward, for every time you pick your crumpled self up off the floor, for every positive thought that overrides a negative one, you attain success. Success is not always measured in glitzy gowns and prize packages. It's not always obvious. Sometimes it's that wee voice that battles through a raging storm of a troubled mind and incites you on.
The fear of failure or failing often immobilizers us. It's certainly kept me from pursuing my passions. I've been so scared of failing, that I haven't even bothered trying. I've lived for years listening to "What if's?" and only dared to dream but never move beyond my fantasies and wishful thinking. I've let my fear of failing stifle any chance for success. If I spend my whole life doing that, then I will have failed. It's in failing that we learn more about ourselves, about the world and about being open to new possibilities. If you are open to recognizing the lessons that come out of 'failing' and willing to venture down different avenues then you will always turn short term failings into long term successes.
Failing does not define you as a person. It is what you do after you have failed that determines your character. Do you have the tenacity to stand strong in the face of your fears? Do you have the courage to chase your dreams? Are you willing to recognize that sometimes when a 'sure thing' fails it can lead you down the perfect path to the promised land?
I've started to look at failing as just an alternative pathway on my road to success! It might not always be the road I imagined I would go down, but the destination remains the same. I am excited to fail...because it means that at least I'm putting action to my dreams. I am about to send off some children's stories to publishing houses. More than likely, they will be rejected. But then at least I will know that there are four publishing houses on my list that I will not have to worry about.*_* When, and if, I do "make it," it won't be solely on my successes, but also in all the broken steps bridged by a compulsion to 'sally' forth in spite of all my failures. So go ahead and fail, it makes the journey (life) worth it.
There are people in life who seem like they have it all; money, cars, houses, travel to exotic locales. They have everything that the world of commerce says "This is what makes me successful." It's easy to look at the stuff they have accumulated and think "I'm a failure." But having things or going to all the hot clubs or knowing all the 'right' people does not determine the measure of a man. You can have all the riches in the world, but if you have no integrity, no empathy, no relationships that enrich your life, then it means nothing. This is what I mean by being a failure and not 'failing.' We place a lot of pressure on ourselves and others to live up to this concept that you are only successful if you have money and power. Success is more than just your bank balance and who you rub shoulders with. Money is great and I wish I had a lot more of it, but I know that my character has been forged in the fires of failing (or flailing) and still getting up and pursuing my dreams. I'm not suggesting that anyone who has anything of value (again in possessions etc) are personal failures. And I'm not advocating that people who struggle their entire lives to eek out an existence are better people inwardly than those who 'have it all' outwardly. You see being a failure, in my opinion, comes down to a persons inability to love themselves or see the worth in others. It's ultimately about being true to yourself and living a life that enhances those around you. It's being willing to go after what captures your imagination, what gets your heart racing and what makes you feel life is worth living. For some people, it is property and possessions that give them their self-worth. For others it is intellectual pursuits and for some others it is in their job or their family. We are all people with substance, with passions and aspirations and plans for the way we would like our lives to be. Not one person who lives and breathes on this planet is better than anyone else. And not one of us get through life without feeling the sometimes staggering blow of failure. You may constantly feel like you are failing in life, but for every step that you take forward, for every time you pick your crumpled self up off the floor, for every positive thought that overrides a negative one, you attain success. Success is not always measured in glitzy gowns and prize packages. It's not always obvious. Sometimes it's that wee voice that battles through a raging storm of a troubled mind and incites you on.
The fear of failure or failing often immobilizers us. It's certainly kept me from pursuing my passions. I've been so scared of failing, that I haven't even bothered trying. I've lived for years listening to "What if's?" and only dared to dream but never move beyond my fantasies and wishful thinking. I've let my fear of failing stifle any chance for success. If I spend my whole life doing that, then I will have failed. It's in failing that we learn more about ourselves, about the world and about being open to new possibilities. If you are open to recognizing the lessons that come out of 'failing' and willing to venture down different avenues then you will always turn short term failings into long term successes.
Failing does not define you as a person. It is what you do after you have failed that determines your character. Do you have the tenacity to stand strong in the face of your fears? Do you have the courage to chase your dreams? Are you willing to recognize that sometimes when a 'sure thing' fails it can lead you down the perfect path to the promised land?
I've started to look at failing as just an alternative pathway on my road to success! It might not always be the road I imagined I would go down, but the destination remains the same. I am excited to fail...because it means that at least I'm putting action to my dreams. I am about to send off some children's stories to publishing houses. More than likely, they will be rejected. But then at least I will know that there are four publishing houses on my list that I will not have to worry about.*_* When, and if, I do "make it," it won't be solely on my successes, but also in all the broken steps bridged by a compulsion to 'sally' forth in spite of all my failures. So go ahead and fail, it makes the journey (life) worth it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I AM.....
I AM AWESOME! I AM SPECTACULAR! I AM WONDERFUL! I AM WORTHY! I AM 'fill in the blank here ______!'I AM working hard to believe all of the above!! Every day I force myself to stand in front of my mirror and share what I like about me. I'm not gonna lie, some days are really awkward. I stand there, my reflection looking back at me with this doleful expression, as I recite some affirmations and gush over the few physical attributes I am willing to concede are pretty darn good. I look forward to the day I actually begin to really, truly, deep down in the far reaches of my soul believe them.
Self hatred is a hideous disease. It's the cancer of the mind and soul and will destroy you unless you destroy it first. Miss Sucky tends to focus on all her worst attributes and left to her own devices would quite happily throw regular pity parties. (Miss Sucky is a bit of a drama queen!) Miss Awesome recognizes her self-loathing for what it truly is; a bunch of lies. For example, Miss Awesome might have the phrase "you look like a big fat elephotomas" (that's a cross between an elephant and a hippopotamus, by the way, a very rare breed indeed!) pop into her head and she's quick to grab it by the scruff of its neck and throw it off the nearest tallest building. Miss Sucky, sadly, would fall for it for some time, ushering it in as though it was king and she a mere slave (until Miss Awesome swoops in and puts things right!) Miss Awesome stands up for herself and loves who she is, right where she is at. In fact, Miss Awesome can rattle off ten great things about herself before you can say "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."
So the self-hatred has to go. It's completely useless, toxic and quite frankly, a bit of a party pooper! There is no place for it in my life (or yours for that matter!) So, I'm digging it out by the root, lighting it on fire and roasting some marshmallows in the glowing embers of my discontent. In the Year of the Sally, there is no room for self hatred. This is a year where I extend an olive branch to myself and say "I accept you girl." I'm working on a fairly new concept for me. The idea of self love. And no- I am not being lewd! *_* I am finally learning to embrace who I am and right where I am at. I may not be exactly where I want to be, but at least I know where I want to be going. Many of my dreams may as yet be unrealized but at least I dare to dream.
The art of self love is learning to appreciate who you are in every moment. It's acknowledging your hopes, your dreams, your fears and insecurities. It's recognizing what moves you to tears and motivates you into action. It's understanding that loss can make you stronger, that pain can be a blessing and that peace can soothe a savage mind encumbered with a million thoughts. Self love is about annihilating old habits and previous thought patterns. It's realizing that even when you FEEL like Miss Sucky, you are STILL Miss Awesome.
It's not easy to cast aside such a heavy cloak of self-loathing, but I refuse to remain shackled to fear; to thoughts that bind and break; to all the lies. I endeavor to live an honest life, but how can I do so when I lie to myself? I so often negate the Awesomeness within, choosing instead to play the tragic victim of my own choices (and maybe sometimes fate at play.)Well NO MORE! It's time to stop listening to the lies and start believing in the truth about me. No more bowing down to falsehoods or sitting at the feet of mendacity. No more looking in mirrors and seeing a distorted image of myself or paying heed to lying tongues of my own making. Nope.No way. I've had my fill. While self hatred is a hideous disease, it's not a terminal case. So, say it with me people: I AM REMARKABLE! I AM PHENOMENAL! I AM DIVINE! I AM FANTASTIC ! I AM 'fill in the blank here ______!'
Self hatred is a hideous disease. It's the cancer of the mind and soul and will destroy you unless you destroy it first. Miss Sucky tends to focus on all her worst attributes and left to her own devices would quite happily throw regular pity parties. (Miss Sucky is a bit of a drama queen!) Miss Awesome recognizes her self-loathing for what it truly is; a bunch of lies. For example, Miss Awesome might have the phrase "you look like a big fat elephotomas" (that's a cross between an elephant and a hippopotamus, by the way, a very rare breed indeed!) pop into her head and she's quick to grab it by the scruff of its neck and throw it off the nearest tallest building. Miss Sucky, sadly, would fall for it for some time, ushering it in as though it was king and she a mere slave (until Miss Awesome swoops in and puts things right!) Miss Awesome stands up for herself and loves who she is, right where she is at. In fact, Miss Awesome can rattle off ten great things about herself before you can say "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."
So the self-hatred has to go. It's completely useless, toxic and quite frankly, a bit of a party pooper! There is no place for it in my life (or yours for that matter!) So, I'm digging it out by the root, lighting it on fire and roasting some marshmallows in the glowing embers of my discontent. In the Year of the Sally, there is no room for self hatred. This is a year where I extend an olive branch to myself and say "I accept you girl." I'm working on a fairly new concept for me. The idea of self love. And no- I am not being lewd! *_* I am finally learning to embrace who I am and right where I am at. I may not be exactly where I want to be, but at least I know where I want to be going. Many of my dreams may as yet be unrealized but at least I dare to dream.
The art of self love is learning to appreciate who you are in every moment. It's acknowledging your hopes, your dreams, your fears and insecurities. It's recognizing what moves you to tears and motivates you into action. It's understanding that loss can make you stronger, that pain can be a blessing and that peace can soothe a savage mind encumbered with a million thoughts. Self love is about annihilating old habits and previous thought patterns. It's realizing that even when you FEEL like Miss Sucky, you are STILL Miss Awesome.
It's not easy to cast aside such a heavy cloak of self-loathing, but I refuse to remain shackled to fear; to thoughts that bind and break; to all the lies. I endeavor to live an honest life, but how can I do so when I lie to myself? I so often negate the Awesomeness within, choosing instead to play the tragic victim of my own choices (and maybe sometimes fate at play.)Well NO MORE! It's time to stop listening to the lies and start believing in the truth about me. No more bowing down to falsehoods or sitting at the feet of mendacity. No more looking in mirrors and seeing a distorted image of myself or paying heed to lying tongues of my own making. Nope.No way. I've had my fill. While self hatred is a hideous disease, it's not a terminal case. So, say it with me people: I AM REMARKABLE! I AM PHENOMENAL! I AM DIVINE! I AM FANTASTIC ! I AM 'fill in the blank here ______!'
Thursday, January 13, 2011
One Day At A Time
The promise of each new day should fill us with pleasure. For each new day starts out a clean slate, an empty canvas, an unwritten song...and all one can hope for, is that with each new day that dawns, it's better than the one before. But that is not exactly how life works. Some days you rock it and other days you don't. I share the following now to remind us all that while two days are never the same, it's really our reactions to the events that unfold that define a good day or one that we would rather lock up in a little box marked 'ugh' and file away under the stairs.
Miss Sucky's day begins traumatically. A bird flies in through her open window and the fluttering of it clunking around her room quickly wakes her up. Miss Sucky is terrified of birds, so the panic sets in as she tries to get the bird, or herself, out of the room. The ensuing chaos awakens her roommates who rush to her aid thinking that her screams are signaling an attack. With three grown adults waving their arms around like they are trying to put a fire out, the bird finally finds its way back out the window and Miss Sucky is relieved...until she discovers the little blighter has left his calling card all over her room! She reminds herself that this is what it must mean to be "scared shit-less" and is grateful that at least she didn't follow suit. Her mind then falls to 'him' and she feels a pang of longing and sadness. No anger or bitterness, just a need for him. A need she knows will never be met. She pushes down the seeping wound and gets to work cleaning up after the bird. Her roommates bring her a cup of tea and tell her she has poop in her hair. Grossed out, Miss Sucky jumps into the shower and tries to wash out her hair without touching it. At breakfast her roommate tells her that "it's good luck if a bird poops in your hair." She tells him that "It sure doesn't feel like luck." Sadly, this is the highlight of her day.
Miss Awesome's day starts out perfectly. There are no birds cooing incessantly from the tree outside her window. The day is golden rays streaked across a dreamy blue sky. Thankfully, her first thought is not of 'him,' and while he features fleetingly in her mind throughout the day, it does not grip her heart with a sense of profound loss. She's healing; things are looking up. Miss Awesome heads to her favorite cafe; a little hole-in-the-wall place that serves food that your mouth will mistake as heaven. The coffee is smooth and rich, her muffin is bursting with fruit and the accompanying creme fraiche is both sweet and tart- a palate of perfection to tantalize the taste buds.
Meanwhile, Miss Sucky is making her way to an appointment 40 minutes drive away from her home. She has no car, so the forty minutes will be stretched into several hours and numerous bus rides. But she doesn't mind. It's a beautiful day and she's thinking about going to the beach after wards. On account of blue skies and days of endless sunshine, she has left her umbrella home. It rains! But not until she is preparing to head to the beach after finishing her appointment. The rain is hard and heavy and she is left walking in it after waiting for a bus that never comes. She has to walk barefoot because her wet flip flops make the journey treacherous. She reaches her destination, another bus stop, soaked through. While waiting, she realizes that the cheap dye on her handbag has leeched all down the side of her tee shirt. She improvises and switches the bag to the other side in the hopes that maybe she can try and match the stain. She has to wait forty minutes for the bus to arrive. She's tired, wet and now a gnawing pit of hunger reminds her that she's missed lunch. And since the rain continues to tumble from the sky, there will be no beach today.
Miss Awesome gets some writing done before meeting up with a friend for lunch. Afterward, she heads to a park and under the shade of a tree writes some more. She then catches a film at the local art house and meets up with a few friends for drinks and dinner in the evening. She gets home and writes before falling asleep feeling satisfied with her day. If only every day could be as productive and relaxing as this one. 'He' doesn't even cross her mind as she lays there drifting off and she doesn't even realize that it's the first night where her last thought is not of him.
Miss Sucky spends at least half of her day cursing the public transportation system gods for their insufferable cruelty and blatant inability to create a cohesive schedule. It's been a 9 to 5 job just getting to her one hr long appointment and back again. She was going to stop and have coffee and write for a bit, but still soaking, she opts instead to take bus number six and head on home. She cancels her date for the night so that she can make up for lost time in not having written earlier in the day and then proceeds to procrastinate the night away. She goes to sleep fighting off thoughts of 'him' and failing.
Life can only be taken one day at a time; that is all we have. Some days it feels like nothing is going your way and that the whole world has conspired against you. I call those my "Miss Sucky" days. And it's not so much that I'm 'Sucky' as a person- it's more that all those little moments that pile up into one gigantic mess of misery can kind of overwhelm you if you let it. I'm working hard on being more "Miss Awesome" even on the days that would strive to constrict me into my "Miss Sucky' role. There will be days when I struggle to find beauty, sanity, strength, purpose and peace. There may be moments when my circumstances have got me so beaten down that hope seems like a four letter word spoken only through a dead mans lips. This is the reality of life. And I embrace it all. For it is in the struggle I find myself and it is in the reactions I have to my circumstances that I free myself to be the woman I was created to be.
Miss Sucky's day begins traumatically. A bird flies in through her open window and the fluttering of it clunking around her room quickly wakes her up. Miss Sucky is terrified of birds, so the panic sets in as she tries to get the bird, or herself, out of the room. The ensuing chaos awakens her roommates who rush to her aid thinking that her screams are signaling an attack. With three grown adults waving their arms around like they are trying to put a fire out, the bird finally finds its way back out the window and Miss Sucky is relieved...until she discovers the little blighter has left his calling card all over her room! She reminds herself that this is what it must mean to be "scared shit-less" and is grateful that at least she didn't follow suit. Her mind then falls to 'him' and she feels a pang of longing and sadness. No anger or bitterness, just a need for him. A need she knows will never be met. She pushes down the seeping wound and gets to work cleaning up after the bird. Her roommates bring her a cup of tea and tell her she has poop in her hair. Grossed out, Miss Sucky jumps into the shower and tries to wash out her hair without touching it. At breakfast her roommate tells her that "it's good luck if a bird poops in your hair." She tells him that "It sure doesn't feel like luck." Sadly, this is the highlight of her day.
Miss Awesome's day starts out perfectly. There are no birds cooing incessantly from the tree outside her window. The day is golden rays streaked across a dreamy blue sky. Thankfully, her first thought is not of 'him,' and while he features fleetingly in her mind throughout the day, it does not grip her heart with a sense of profound loss. She's healing; things are looking up. Miss Awesome heads to her favorite cafe; a little hole-in-the-wall place that serves food that your mouth will mistake as heaven. The coffee is smooth and rich, her muffin is bursting with fruit and the accompanying creme fraiche is both sweet and tart- a palate of perfection to tantalize the taste buds.
Meanwhile, Miss Sucky is making her way to an appointment 40 minutes drive away from her home. She has no car, so the forty minutes will be stretched into several hours and numerous bus rides. But she doesn't mind. It's a beautiful day and she's thinking about going to the beach after wards. On account of blue skies and days of endless sunshine, she has left her umbrella home. It rains! But not until she is preparing to head to the beach after finishing her appointment. The rain is hard and heavy and she is left walking in it after waiting for a bus that never comes. She has to walk barefoot because her wet flip flops make the journey treacherous. She reaches her destination, another bus stop, soaked through. While waiting, she realizes that the cheap dye on her handbag has leeched all down the side of her tee shirt. She improvises and switches the bag to the other side in the hopes that maybe she can try and match the stain. She has to wait forty minutes for the bus to arrive. She's tired, wet and now a gnawing pit of hunger reminds her that she's missed lunch. And since the rain continues to tumble from the sky, there will be no beach today.
Miss Awesome gets some writing done before meeting up with a friend for lunch. Afterward, she heads to a park and under the shade of a tree writes some more. She then catches a film at the local art house and meets up with a few friends for drinks and dinner in the evening. She gets home and writes before falling asleep feeling satisfied with her day. If only every day could be as productive and relaxing as this one. 'He' doesn't even cross her mind as she lays there drifting off and she doesn't even realize that it's the first night where her last thought is not of him.
Miss Sucky spends at least half of her day cursing the public transportation system gods for their insufferable cruelty and blatant inability to create a cohesive schedule. It's been a 9 to 5 job just getting to her one hr long appointment and back again. She was going to stop and have coffee and write for a bit, but still soaking, she opts instead to take bus number six and head on home. She cancels her date for the night so that she can make up for lost time in not having written earlier in the day and then proceeds to procrastinate the night away. She goes to sleep fighting off thoughts of 'him' and failing.
Life can only be taken one day at a time; that is all we have. Some days it feels like nothing is going your way and that the whole world has conspired against you. I call those my "Miss Sucky" days. And it's not so much that I'm 'Sucky' as a person- it's more that all those little moments that pile up into one gigantic mess of misery can kind of overwhelm you if you let it. I'm working hard on being more "Miss Awesome" even on the days that would strive to constrict me into my "Miss Sucky' role. There will be days when I struggle to find beauty, sanity, strength, purpose and peace. There may be moments when my circumstances have got me so beaten down that hope seems like a four letter word spoken only through a dead mans lips. This is the reality of life. And I embrace it all. For it is in the struggle I find myself and it is in the reactions I have to my circumstances that I free myself to be the woman I was created to be.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Liar Liar Pants on Fire
Generally, I'd say I'm pretty damn good at spotting a falsehood. But in the age of technology, it's getting easy to master the art of deception. And there's no where it seems more rampant than on dating sites. I "met" the man of my dreams on such a site...initially suspicious to the core by online dating, I had only signed up on the site to alleviate boredom. I never anticipated falling in love, or having my heart broken by an online Lothario. I'm a smart cookie, sentimental and emotional yes, but I was sure that I wouldn't be easily swayed down the same path I had watched so many others go; like lambs to the slaughter, their hearts about to be trampled on and easily discarded. I'm Miss Awesome, so surely any guy worth my time will be a guy who sees that? I truly believed I found him... but all I found was a broken person who seems to have relished in the delight of almost breaking me. I realized that this man, whom I had thought I had known so well, and had given myself to so completely, was no more than a figment of my own imaginations. He lived, he breathed, he existed in the real world. But he did not exist in mine. In five months, he promised me a lifetime and yet, couldn't even give me one day. Loving him as deeply as I did and losing him was a painful lesson in self love. It's never easy to get your heart karate-chopped to the ground, but despite the agony of my brokenness, I do not regret loving him. For loving him made me happier, it made me healthier and ultimately, loving him, helped me fall in love with myself. It's been a hard lesson learned though. There have been days where knowing that he existed in the world and we would never be together made life without him seem pointless. But time is a soothing balm to all wounds and it is only with time that my mind has been able to get a better perspective than my heart ever could.
There were warnings signs, of course, that Mr Awesome was really not. But love, as the old saying goes is blind. It's also pretty darn stupid! Call me naive, but I prefer to think of myself as someone who believes in the best in someone always. I will search out the light in anyone- even if it seems there is none to be found. I choose to believe that people are good, even in a world that contradicts that belief every day. So I ignored the warning signs that my beloved was not as wonderful as he portrayed himself to be. They were small, and looked at on their own seemed somewhat insignificant. Now, when viewing them as a collective whole, it seems so glaringly obvious that this was only a game and he had never really loved me at all. That's a painful realization to come to; that I could love and yet not be loved. But it really speaks more about his character then it does mine. For "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." I was willing to do something that he could or would not do, and that was to give myself in love to another person. There is nothing more fearless than that. And that's what makes me "Miss Awesome" in this situation; because I recognize that loving someone with no conditions and no restraints is a strength not a weakness.
So, as a public service, here are my "warning signs" that Mr.Awesome might in all actuality really be Mr. Sucky.
1)His name is not online: My boy never had anything in his real name (and I use the term, "real name" loosely here, because let's face it, I don't even know if that much is true!) His skype and hotmail addresses were under nicknames. Even the voice mail on his phone was just the standard message- no personal greeting of any kind. He was ungoogle-ble; not one scratch of evidence to his true identity surfaced, even after hours of online searching. (I know that makes me sound like a stalker, but after wards I got curious) And he doesn't have face book? REALLY? I never quite bought that one- a 35yr old guy doesn't have facebook? Maybe if he was living in the 12th century that excuse might wash!
2)He won't tell you where he works: Now this one started off as a game...he wanted to make me guess by giving me clues. But then he would never tell me if I was right or wrong and would laugh every time I said that the game was no fun anymore and I wanted to know where he worked. I never did find out- so I'm skeptical that he really did do the job he claimed he had.
3)He was "away on business:" When he first told me he was away, he said it would only probably be a few weeks, but he wasn't sure...five months later and the guy was still 'away on business.' My friends are all convinced that he had never even left the city, let alone the country. I hate to concede that they may be right, but they probably are.
4)His web cam doesn't work: Now girls...and boys, this is a major sign that I stupidly overlooked in my infatuation. A broken web cam for a couple of nights is one thing....but if they always make an excuse as to why its still broken (and I even looked up his web cam and how to install it correctly and troubleshooting tips and emailed him the link from two different address to ensure he got the info, and he STILL didn't 'get around to it!' Ugh- I am hitting myself now even as I write this- its so obvious, I just chose to ignore it)then they are definitely hiding something.
5)He tells you that he sent you pictures and emails and you never received them: My boy said he sent me a video message that was a half hr long- to my phone! Now, I might only be acting like a tech support in my day job, but even I am not dumb enough to fall for that one. Who in their right mind would attempt to send a video that is that long to a phone! And since when does hotmail not work? If I can get spam, then messages from people in my contact list should sail through.
6)He'll send you pictures...but not of his face: yeah I think you know where I am going with that one...enough said! Although I'd just like to point out that it is interesting that out of all the pictures he sent me the ones I never received were the ones of his face. (yeah, don't worry, I am kicking myself again here too!)
7) A lot of technical problems: We had constant trouble with skype and calling and texting on our cell phones. I mean incredibly bad problems. So i attempted to keep communication open via emailing and posting on the site where we met. The one time he emailed me back- it was under a different name (which I was able to Google and I am still confused to this day about it.) He post me back on the site saying he missed me, but had lost his phone, or left it someplace or give some reason why it had been several days since we had last talked. (Man, I really was blindly in love with this Don Juan wannabe!)
There are bound to be more signs emblazoned across the sky that I misread or simply ignored. It's a little embarrassing to share these signs and now as I read the above over I'm almost pondering NOT sharing them. But these are the things we do when we love sometimes. Life gives us opportunities to learn and grow and change everyday and in every situation that comes our way. Some days our awesome selves will win. Other times, our sucky side kicks in and plays us into the ground. But we have to be willing to pick ourselves up, dust the crud off our clothes and carry on knowing that Miss Sucky might be in control today, but Miss Awesome will be back on top tomorrow. Or hopefully in five minutes. Or even now.... If there is a lesson to be learned here (and there always is folks) it's that one should always be open to every opportunity and especially to love... But if it smells like a fish, it probably is.
There were warnings signs, of course, that Mr Awesome was really not. But love, as the old saying goes is blind. It's also pretty darn stupid! Call me naive, but I prefer to think of myself as someone who believes in the best in someone always. I will search out the light in anyone- even if it seems there is none to be found. I choose to believe that people are good, even in a world that contradicts that belief every day. So I ignored the warning signs that my beloved was not as wonderful as he portrayed himself to be. They were small, and looked at on their own seemed somewhat insignificant. Now, when viewing them as a collective whole, it seems so glaringly obvious that this was only a game and he had never really loved me at all. That's a painful realization to come to; that I could love and yet not be loved. But it really speaks more about his character then it does mine. For "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." I was willing to do something that he could or would not do, and that was to give myself in love to another person. There is nothing more fearless than that. And that's what makes me "Miss Awesome" in this situation; because I recognize that loving someone with no conditions and no restraints is a strength not a weakness.
So, as a public service, here are my "warning signs" that Mr.Awesome might in all actuality really be Mr. Sucky.
1)His name is not online: My boy never had anything in his real name (and I use the term, "real name" loosely here, because let's face it, I don't even know if that much is true!) His skype and hotmail addresses were under nicknames. Even the voice mail on his phone was just the standard message- no personal greeting of any kind. He was ungoogle-ble; not one scratch of evidence to his true identity surfaced, even after hours of online searching. (I know that makes me sound like a stalker, but after wards I got curious) And he doesn't have face book? REALLY? I never quite bought that one- a 35yr old guy doesn't have facebook? Maybe if he was living in the 12th century that excuse might wash!
2)He won't tell you where he works: Now this one started off as a game...he wanted to make me guess by giving me clues. But then he would never tell me if I was right or wrong and would laugh every time I said that the game was no fun anymore and I wanted to know where he worked. I never did find out- so I'm skeptical that he really did do the job he claimed he had.
3)He was "away on business:" When he first told me he was away, he said it would only probably be a few weeks, but he wasn't sure...five months later and the guy was still 'away on business.' My friends are all convinced that he had never even left the city, let alone the country. I hate to concede that they may be right, but they probably are.
4)His web cam doesn't work: Now girls...and boys, this is a major sign that I stupidly overlooked in my infatuation. A broken web cam for a couple of nights is one thing....but if they always make an excuse as to why its still broken (and I even looked up his web cam and how to install it correctly and troubleshooting tips and emailed him the link from two different address to ensure he got the info, and he STILL didn't 'get around to it!' Ugh- I am hitting myself now even as I write this- its so obvious, I just chose to ignore it)then they are definitely hiding something.
5)He tells you that he sent you pictures and emails and you never received them: My boy said he sent me a video message that was a half hr long- to my phone! Now, I might only be acting like a tech support in my day job, but even I am not dumb enough to fall for that one. Who in their right mind would attempt to send a video that is that long to a phone! And since when does hotmail not work? If I can get spam, then messages from people in my contact list should sail through.
6)He'll send you pictures...but not of his face: yeah I think you know where I am going with that one...enough said! Although I'd just like to point out that it is interesting that out of all the pictures he sent me the ones I never received were the ones of his face. (yeah, don't worry, I am kicking myself again here too!)
7) A lot of technical problems: We had constant trouble with skype and calling and texting on our cell phones. I mean incredibly bad problems. So i attempted to keep communication open via emailing and posting on the site where we met. The one time he emailed me back- it was under a different name (which I was able to Google and I am still confused to this day about it.) He post me back on the site saying he missed me, but had lost his phone, or left it someplace or give some reason why it had been several days since we had last talked. (Man, I really was blindly in love with this Don Juan wannabe!)
There are bound to be more signs emblazoned across the sky that I misread or simply ignored. It's a little embarrassing to share these signs and now as I read the above over I'm almost pondering NOT sharing them. But these are the things we do when we love sometimes. Life gives us opportunities to learn and grow and change everyday and in every situation that comes our way. Some days our awesome selves will win. Other times, our sucky side kicks in and plays us into the ground. But we have to be willing to pick ourselves up, dust the crud off our clothes and carry on knowing that Miss Sucky might be in control today, but Miss Awesome will be back on top tomorrow. Or hopefully in five minutes. Or even now.... If there is a lesson to be learned here (and there always is folks) it's that one should always be open to every opportunity and especially to love... But if it smells like a fish, it probably is.
The Year of the Sally
My roommates and I have decreed that 2011 is not just the year of the rabbit, but the year of the Sally. We are even thinking about getting t-shirts printed; something snazzy with stars and glitter perhaps, and maybe a catchy slogan like "It's all about the Sally". Well, probably something a little more catchier than that...but whatever! My point is, and i think i may even have one, that this year is my year. The good thing about the start of a New Year is that it gives us a chance to start again. Kind of. Actually, we don't need a New Year to do that for us. We can start each day, even each moment that way. It's just the promise of a New Year seems to offer us the opportunity to say "This is my year! This is my chance to change my life, undo the mistakes of the past and maybe not f@#k it all up." We are ten days into it, and so far I've managed to stick to some of the patterns I'm trying to create in my new life. But every now and then there are those days that come along and make you think, that this year, just like any other, is going to be filled with its own trials, tribulations and tears. And maybe even a few tantrums along the way.
So what does The Year of the Sally offer me? The same things it probably offers you; new opportunities for work and play, romances lost, forsaken or hopefully, in my case, found and bound and locked in my basement. Just kidding. I don't have a basement!
It offers us to be the person we want to be. And for me that means being true to myself. I've finally decided to stop pushing myself around, to realize that I am a person of worth, with boundless creativity, with hopes and dreams that can be realized if I would just step out of my own fears and insecurities. This is step one...right here, right now, what you are reading. A baby step on my road to rediscovering who I am and who I wish to be and hopefully being able to reconcile the two to each other! This is my chance to let the awesomeness out or as Katy Perry puts it in her song Firework," You just got to ignite the light and let it shine." This song is one of my defining mantra's of the moment. It inspires me to move out of the shadows, to push aside the negative self-talk that has become an ugly habit I am in the process of trying to break once and for all, and to become the woman I was destined to be. I'm not entirely sure who she is yet- right now I'm stuck in the middle of being Miss Awesome and Miss Not -so- much (that's where the "I suck" factor comes in). I'm leaning towards Miss Awesome because that's what I am. I am awesome....when I don't suck!
So what does The Year of the Sally offer me? The same things it probably offers you; new opportunities for work and play, romances lost, forsaken or hopefully, in my case, found and bound and locked in my basement. Just kidding. I don't have a basement!
It offers us to be the person we want to be. And for me that means being true to myself. I've finally decided to stop pushing myself around, to realize that I am a person of worth, with boundless creativity, with hopes and dreams that can be realized if I would just step out of my own fears and insecurities. This is step one...right here, right now, what you are reading. A baby step on my road to rediscovering who I am and who I wish to be and hopefully being able to reconcile the two to each other! This is my chance to let the awesomeness out or as Katy Perry puts it in her song Firework," You just got to ignite the light and let it shine." This song is one of my defining mantra's of the moment. It inspires me to move out of the shadows, to push aside the negative self-talk that has become an ugly habit I am in the process of trying to break once and for all, and to become the woman I was destined to be. I'm not entirely sure who she is yet- right now I'm stuck in the middle of being Miss Awesome and Miss Not -so- much (that's where the "I suck" factor comes in). I'm leaning towards Miss Awesome because that's what I am. I am awesome....when I don't suck!
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