Birthdays

Yip. It's that time of year again. Party, presents, people and, in Miss Sucky's view, pain! I love my birthday. And I loathe my birthday. I know what you are thinking; You think that I don't like getting older! Well, it's not that I'm afraid of getting older that makes me loathe my birthday. My birthday is a badge of perseverance. I've made it thus far, through the storm and the dust and the clouds and the rain. I've survived this thing called life for another year, another day.
It's just that Miss Sucky likes to point out what I haven't done or how I haven't "made it"...again. Sometimes she can be bitchy enough to even suggest that there is nothing in my life worth celebrating... especially not turning another year older.

Miss Sucky can really dampen the mood. Like today, she's all sullen and blue moods about turning another year older with some major boxes still left unchecked. She doesn't feel old, she just feels she can't quite justify the celebration of ticking time when there is still so much to be done. So thanks to Miss Sucky, even though I think birthdays are worth the celebration, I'm also a teeny tiny bit afraid of them.

I'm afraid of what I have failed to accomplish and another year just brings all my 'failed to do's' fresh to mind. It's also hard to get to this point in my thirties and know that almost every person you tell your age to, will pass judgment. I don't have a house, a husband, a thriving career as a writer/actor, children to tuck into bed at night, or even a working car at this point! I know all this. Thanks but I really don't need the reminder. It's like when people tell you to "drive safe." Really? Actually, I WAS planning on driving like a maniac but now that you've mentioned it.... state the obvious!

People ask me things like "Don't you want to get married?" "Don't you want to have children?" Yes. And I also want world peace, an unlimited supply of money and a Porsche... that doesn't mean I will ever live to see world peace or rock around in my brand new Boxster outside of my dreams!

I do want to get married. But I also don't want to settle. Settling to me is worse than death, because you have to live with it. I know too many people who settle and suffer for the decisions they make based on fear or pressure or expectation. For some people settling is all they can to do to survive the world, but I am not one of those people. I long for something more and I know that I have what it takes to reach my goals. I can't afford to shackle myself to my insecurities or to settle for a life that does not make me feel complete. Truthfully, none of us can. But we so often do.

So I'm gaining another year. Miss Awesome is excited about that. She gets to continue her journey and who knows what might happen between this year and next. If I could turn back time (a trick I can actually perform once a year thanks to a little thing called daylight savings) I would probably aim for 25. It's the age where no one thinks you are too young to know what you are talking about, but not too old that you should know better. It's an age where it's OK to still be figuring things out. (When did we decide that we had to have things figured out?) Perhaps by my next birthday I can check a few more things off my list. And I'll have probably have added a few more to the list too. All I know is that I'm going to strive to count my blessings and enjoy each day. After all, it's not really the years in your life that matters but the life in your years.