To Be or Not To Be

I am a very open person. And I'm proud of it. I'd rather be someone who lives my life visible to others than to hide away in some dark corner with all my fears and insecurities. Miss Sucky spends her life in an anxious discomfort of fear and judgment. I declare me to be a judge-free zone. Because what anyone thinks of me pales into insignificance over what I think of myself. And I'm an awesome person, with passion and integrity and a burning desire to make this world a better place.

I don't judge people so it does actually shock me when I am judged. I don't always know how to respond to it. Case in point, today I found out that I am the latest victim on the rumor mill at work. Miss Awesome would not care. Sadly for me, Miss Awesome had apparently taken the day off and skipped town with no warning and Miss Sucky was left to fend for herself. She did not fare so well. Miss Sucky took it deeply personal and wallowed in the shit storm for several hours. Self doubt plagued her. She even considered putting herself in the box it seemed the world has been desperately trying to squash her into. People aren't meant for boxes. I don't think that I should be forced into any boxes just because my openness makes others feel uncomfortable. Actually, your feeling uncomfortable is your problem, not mine, and I'm not going to wear it anymore.

We are all designed as unique beings. Some of our attributes will confuse, bemuse, scare, intimidate and even stir up hatred in others. But if we start living down to other peoples expectations we create a world where the beauty of individuality can no longer exist. I am me. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I sometimes even over react on occasion. It's called being human. Miss Sucky can quickly beat herself up in such moments, even when there is no need for her to do so. Miss Awesome realizes that there are always lessons to be learned and she is grateful. There's a great saying Miss Awesome reminded me of tonight as I reflected once more upon the days events; Hurt people, hurt people. We are all broken people in some way or another. Each of us have our wounds to bear, some fresh and newly scabbed and others faint scars that serve as reminders of where we have been. Some days something will happen that may tear open the wound, or create a new one. The real test is in how we react in an attack. When Miss Awesome is in full form these attacks are minor speed bumps on the highway of life. With Miss Sucky behind the wheel though, the minor speed bumps suddenly feel like going over a thousand miles on a dirt and gravel road with no suspension. Today was my gravel road. Tomorrow I hope to be back on the highway.

I have given the idea of not being me a lot of thought. In fact, I have even invested years into that pursuit. I have denied myself, I have tried to fit into people's pre-conceived notions of who I am and who I should be. And I have been beyond miserable. Miss Sucky scrambles to fit in because she is afraid of being rejected. Miss Awesome feels secure in who she is and where she wants to be and understands that the judgments passed on her by inconsequential people will have little effect on her awesomeness. Love me or hate me...that's totally up to you. But this girl is choosing to love herself and be the person she is and is meant to be. Because let's face it, if you can't be true to yourself then life is all for naught. So I'm recycling the box and stepping out with my head high knowing that I am who I am and that is a remarkable and beautiful thing! And if you don't like it, it's all good. I'll just give you the two finger salute and be on my way.