What do I really want?
It's a question I've been asking myself for a while now. Truthfully, this post is probably a little too personal for comfort. But this blog is about my life and this is the "Year of the Sally," so personal is what I need to be right now. Actually, honest is what I need to be right now.
I've lost my way. Somewhere between the need to be true to myself, I've found that I've been covering up who I am. Why? Mostly because I've let my self doubt invade my mind and step all over my dreams.And it's not just my self doubt, fear and insecurity that's been having a field day inwardly. It's other people. I'm an emotional being. I feel strongly, deeply and openly. This is a great attribute, but sometimes it can lead me down paths that should not be forged or traversed. People will step all over people like me. I'm kind, generous, forgiving, honest, sincere and, as time proves over and over again, easily taken advantage of. So what does someone like me do to maintain those attributes which are so precious and rare without being a stomping ground for broken and burdened people? I haven't quite found the answer to that yet.
Some of my friends suggest I harden up. But I don't think that is necessarily the answer. The world is full of hardened people. It's easier to build gates and walls and block the entrance ways to your heart and head. It's simpler to set yourself in a fortress where no stones or sticks or people can reach you. I don't want to build walls around my life to be easier or simpler just in order to "harden" up. Humanity needs people like me- big old softies with compassion and empathy and a willingness to love freely and without judgment. We are a rare breed and everyday we risk extinction by being willing to put ourselves out there. So I'm fighting for my survival. I'm fighting to stay true to who i am. But, and there is a but, I need to learn how to still be me and not just a doormat.
This is gonna be difficult. Maybe even impossible.
We are broken people. Every single person on this planet has been broken somewhere along the way. Some of these breaks are teeny tiny, invisible to the naked eye. Some breaks are so massive they are like a gaping vortex of destruction- sucking along everyone and everything in its path. It's OK to be broken- it is a part of being human. What's not OK is to use your brokenness as an excuse to hurt and destroy others.
So what do I want? Really, truly want? The answer lies within. It has always been there- etched in my soul. It's time that I fought for it. For myself. It's time I stood up and chased the dream, the desire, the insatiable need to expand my horizons and fulfill my purpose. It's time that this girl stopped focusing on others to the detriment of her own hopes and dreams. I love people. I am excited and passionate about helping others be all they can be. It's about time that I took that same enthusiasm and drive for others and applied it to myself. It's long overdue.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Dad
Eleven years ago, my life was irrevocably changed. The world and what I knew of it ceased to exist. Time has ticked away, as it has always done, moving moments and years between the day my whole world imploded and now. I am not the girl I was before October 9th 2000. I am more jaded, more honest, more grateful.
Death changes you. It challenges us to take stock of our lives. My Father's passing was the single most traumatic and hideous experience of my life. Worse than anything else that can be imagined is losing someone you love so much. When death touches us, as it inevitably does, it forces us to face our own mortality and that of those we love. In a weird way it is the gift death offers us. As I sit here, thinking about the man I was blessed to call dad I can't help but wonder what might have been had he lived. Where would my life have gone had I had my dad to lean on? Would I have married? Had children? Pushed harder for my career? Would I have the relationship I share now with my mother and siblings?
Losing my father forced me to grow up. It forces me now, to hold dear this precious gift I've been given. Life is short. We should make it count. So today, as I contemplate my fathers life and my loss, I pledge following:
I promise to always remember that life is what you make of it. Hard times will come and go. Pain will wrap itself around me. Despair will roll in like a thunderstorm on a cloudy day. But life is a privilege and joy. And those tough times add depth and beauty to who I am.
I promise to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me. My father never let a day go by without telling and showing me he loved me. I strive to do the same for my friends and family.
I promise that even when I feel down and out...I won't give up or give in. I will hold onto the truth that I am Miss Awesome and life is beautiful.
I promise to take my life and make something of it...in whatever way i can. And be of service and comfort to others.
I was a lucky girl. My father was an amazing man. Here I am eleven years on, and time has only solidified what I remember of my father. He was generous, kind, intelligent and witty. He had an infectious laugh,and such a mischievous sparkle in his blue eyes. He was compassionate and always went above and beyond to help and support others. He was gentle and strong and I never once doubted my fathers love. I only hope that I can be a true reflection of my father and that coupled with my own talents, ideas and personality traits, I can be a woman who makes a difference. And make my father proud.
Love you Daddy
Death changes you. It challenges us to take stock of our lives. My Father's passing was the single most traumatic and hideous experience of my life. Worse than anything else that can be imagined is losing someone you love so much. When death touches us, as it inevitably does, it forces us to face our own mortality and that of those we love. In a weird way it is the gift death offers us. As I sit here, thinking about the man I was blessed to call dad I can't help but wonder what might have been had he lived. Where would my life have gone had I had my dad to lean on? Would I have married? Had children? Pushed harder for my career? Would I have the relationship I share now with my mother and siblings?
Losing my father forced me to grow up. It forces me now, to hold dear this precious gift I've been given. Life is short. We should make it count. So today, as I contemplate my fathers life and my loss, I pledge following:
I promise to always remember that life is what you make of it. Hard times will come and go. Pain will wrap itself around me. Despair will roll in like a thunderstorm on a cloudy day. But life is a privilege and joy. And those tough times add depth and beauty to who I am.
I promise to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me. My father never let a day go by without telling and showing me he loved me. I strive to do the same for my friends and family.
I promise that even when I feel down and out...I won't give up or give in. I will hold onto the truth that I am Miss Awesome and life is beautiful.
I promise to take my life and make something of it...in whatever way i can. And be of service and comfort to others.
I was a lucky girl. My father was an amazing man. Here I am eleven years on, and time has only solidified what I remember of my father. He was generous, kind, intelligent and witty. He had an infectious laugh,and such a mischievous sparkle in his blue eyes. He was compassionate and always went above and beyond to help and support others. He was gentle and strong and I never once doubted my fathers love. I only hope that I can be a true reflection of my father and that coupled with my own talents, ideas and personality traits, I can be a woman who makes a difference. And make my father proud.
Love you Daddy
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