A few weeks ago, as part of my new initiative to express self love, I joined a gym. And this week I took it a step further by getting a personal trainer. "Why, Miss Awesome, would you do that?" I hear you ask. "Isn't it gosh darn expensive?" Ummm- yes. Yes it is. But I realized that if I can't invest in myself in the "Year of the Sally" when the hell can I? I am worth the expense. And after all, it's a relatively short term cost for long term benefits (someone is going to have to remind me of these words because there will no doubt be days when I won't be able to see over my shoe laces, let alone the long term goal.) Miss Sucky is struggling with this new regime. She hates it. And rightfully so. After all, change, even positive change, can still be painful. My trainer states that the mental change will be as important as the physical changes. I would go one step further and say that without the mental change, the physical change just won't happen. It's the mind-body connection. Exercise is gonna make me feel better, but it's the change that occurs in my thinking that is going to have the most impact in my life over the weeks and months ahead.
Today, as I fought back the tears after a power walk up a hill, I realized that I wasn't crying over the physical discomfort but out of guilt and frustration at my own neglect. I was angry and embarrassed that I had let myself get to the stage where a walk up a hill felt like a battle I couldn't win. It wasn't that it was an impossibly steep hill, or that it was unbearably hot, (although it was pretty damn warm with the sun beating down on my back all the way up) it was that this hill, for me, became a mental Goliath.
For every step forward, the negative self talk told me I couldn't do it. It was destiny; this fat, this misery, this prison of a body. If Miss Sucky had her way, she'd have just fallen to the ground in a messy heap of misery and lamented her misfortune. But Miss Sucky is no longer the boss of me. She remains a part of me, for better or for worse. Some days she strikes with the full fury of someone that has nothing to lose but Miss Awesome is not so easily ambushed by these attacks anymore. Some days Miss Sucky pouts and prances about like a wounded peacock. Miss Awesome is over playing the victim. She knows that if she wants to change her life, she has to begin within. Ultimately, the power lies within your hands (or more to the point, your heart and head.)Not happy with your life? Do something about it! Have dreams and aspirations? Chase them down with a bow and arrow if you have to! Embrace your unchangeables and embrace those things you can change. For me, the gym is part of the path to me loving who I am. It is just one more step that I can take to step into the 'Miss Awesome' role once and for all.
So my exercise regime is a new challenge on my road to rediscovery. And while my physical being is burdened by a few extra pounds it is my emotions and mental outlook that are the true weighty issues. I, like most people, am my own worst enemy. I need to apply the way I treat others to myself. The same respect, love, dignity, kindness and love that I lavish on everyone else needs to be extended to my own body, mind, heart and soul. I've made great improvements in the last few months to forge a new landscape in the garden of my mind. The affirmations I've been incorporating into my daily life to encourage and motivate me now need to focus on the way I feel about my physical self and the thought patterns I've allowed to run amok. This negative self talk, which invades my mind (and ambles out into public on occasion through spoken words) needs to be replaced. It's time to turn my "can not's" into "can do's" and my "no way's" into "yes way's."
Weight loss or gain, is, like many other things that we face in life, as much about the mental struggle as it is the physical. We all want to feel desirable, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, healthy, happy, whole. Ultimately, it's not how we look on the outside that determines how we feel. How we FEEL about ourselves comes down to what we THINK about ourselves. I'm changing my thinking...one thought at a time. Some days will be easy 'Miss Awesome' days, and some days Miss Sucky will take the lead and try and sink my battleship of "good thoughts and positive intentions." Those days Miss Awesome will have to dig down deep and sally forth to win the war. It's the mind that, as always, is my greatest foe. But I'm Miss Awesome so nothing is too difficult for me to overcome (even my own self hatred!)It's time...it's time to live the life I was destined for; body, mind and soul...so Miss Sucky can suck it up and get on with it because it's time to turn flabby into fabby!
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