Shaken and stirred

It's unavoidable. We might wish to ignore it but we only fool ourselves. We might think we are better than someone else, but eventually we all end up in the same place. Dead. This really is the only assurance we have in our life; one day we will die. Death is not biased, it doesn't pick favorites, and it doesn't play games. Death is stranger to none of us...yet we detest his familiarity. And before we lose our own lives, we will experience the loss of a loved one. I lost my father 10 years ago and even now there are days when my heart aches for him. For those of us that remain, death leaves an indelible hole.

This week the earth trembled, buildings crumbled and death came. In times of great destruction and mass sorrow, it's hard to make sense of life. The past few months have been endured with a quiet terror that last Septembers earthquake was a harbinger of things to come. On Wednesday, the unvoiced fears of many became reality. We all think we are somehow indestructible. We are not. We are made of flesh and bone and blood and tears. We break, we bruise, we live, we die. When tragedy strikes it is often with such a viciousness that we can scare comprehend. And life for those tarnished with the brush of death will never be the same again.

I don't know the victims who did not survive the earthquake. I have spent little time in Christchurch. To be honest, I have spent little thought on Christchurch since the first major quake. For those of us at a safe arm's length away, it's all too easy to become complacent, even jaded. It's that 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality. Or perhaps, more to the point, it's simply because it's not happening to me. I watch what unfolds from the safe comfort of my living room. I am moved by the images that flash up on my screen, by the stories of heroism and courage. I am outraged by the weakness of man and those who can even conceive to prey upon others at such a time. I am broken for those who have lost loved ones, friends, colleagues. And I am absolutely terrified that I will squander away this precious gift of life. Life is short. In one moment you are here, and the next you are not. We have no idea when or how or where we will breathe our last, only that at some point it will occur. None of us imagine dying in tragic circumstances. We all hope to die curled up in our beds, blissfully unaware and pain-free as we slip from this world to the next. But that is not a promise or guarantee. It is through tragedy and in the arms of grief that we are faced with our fragility. When circumstances such as these fall to us, we question the meaning of it all. Life is short and easily broken. Sometimes it takes devastation to remind you of this. It's going to be a long hard road to overcome the horror of the past few days. I can't even begin to imagine the harrowing struggle the city of Christchurch and her people have already endured and what they must continue to endure in the months and years ahead. I can't do much to help Christchurch and its people. I can give money and donate things. I can pray and I can weep and I can hope.

When facing death, the pain can feel insurmountable. It can be unyielding, intolerable, unending. It can shut you down or push you to embrace the time that remains. For me, this earthquake has shaken off my complacency. It has stirred in me a desire to live and be and do all that I wish for myself. I want to make each moment count. I want to chase my dreams with a renewed fervor. I want to be kinder and more generous. I want to let my friends and family know how much I treasure them and how much their life is a gift to my own. I want to live fully until my moment arrives to depart this earth. Perhaps in me living my life and pursuing my dreams I can honor those no longer with us.

Christchurch, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

The Mind is A Battlefield

A few weeks ago, as part of my new initiative to express self love, I joined a gym. And this week I took it a step further by getting a personal trainer. "Why, Miss Awesome, would you do that?" I hear you ask. "Isn't it gosh darn expensive?" Ummm- yes. Yes it is. But I realized that if I can't invest in myself in the "Year of the Sally" when the hell can I? I am worth the expense. And after all, it's a relatively short term cost for long term benefits (someone is going to have to remind me of these words because there will no doubt be days when I won't be able to see over my shoe laces, let alone the long term goal.) Miss Sucky is struggling with this new regime. She hates it. And rightfully so. After all, change, even positive change, can still be painful. My trainer states that the mental change will be as important as the physical changes. I would go one step further and say that without the mental change, the physical change just won't happen. It's the mind-body connection. Exercise is gonna make me feel better, but it's the change that occurs in my thinking that is going to have the most impact in my life over the weeks and months ahead.

Today, as I fought back the tears after a power walk up a hill, I realized that I wasn't crying over the physical discomfort but out of guilt and frustration at my own neglect. I was angry and embarrassed that I had let myself get to the stage where a walk up a hill felt like a battle I couldn't win. It wasn't that it was an impossibly steep hill, or that it was unbearably hot, (although it was pretty damn warm with the sun beating down on my back all the way up) it was that this hill, for me, became a mental Goliath.

For every step forward, the negative self talk told me I couldn't do it. It was destiny; this fat, this misery, this prison of a body. If Miss Sucky had her way, she'd have just fallen to the ground in a messy heap of misery and lamented her misfortune. But Miss Sucky is no longer the boss of me. She remains a part of me, for better or for worse. Some days she strikes with the full fury of someone that has nothing to lose but Miss Awesome is not so easily ambushed by these attacks anymore. Some days Miss Sucky pouts and prances about like a wounded peacock. Miss Awesome is over playing the victim. She knows that if she wants to change her life, she has to begin within. Ultimately, the power lies within your hands (or more to the point, your heart and head.)Not happy with your life? Do something about it! Have dreams and aspirations? Chase them down with a bow and arrow if you have to! Embrace your unchangeables and embrace those things you can change. For me, the gym is part of the path to me loving who I am. It is just one more step that I can take to step into the 'Miss Awesome' role once and for all.

So my exercise regime is a new challenge on my road to rediscovery. And while my physical being is burdened by a few extra pounds it is my emotions and mental outlook that are the true weighty issues. I, like most people, am my own worst enemy. I need to apply the way I treat others to myself. The same respect, love, dignity, kindness and love that I lavish on everyone else needs to be extended to my own body, mind, heart and soul. I've made great improvements in the last few months to forge a new landscape in the garden of my mind. The affirmations I've been incorporating into my daily life to encourage and motivate me now need to focus on the way I feel about my physical self and the thought patterns I've allowed to run amok. This negative self talk, which invades my mind (and ambles out into public on occasion through spoken words) needs to be replaced. It's time to turn my "can not's" into "can do's" and my "no way's" into "yes way's."

Weight loss or gain, is, like many other things that we face in life, as much about the mental struggle as it is the physical. We all want to feel desirable, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, healthy, happy, whole. Ultimately, it's not how we look on the outside that determines how we feel. How we FEEL about ourselves comes down to what we THINK about ourselves. I'm changing my thinking...one thought at a time. Some days will be easy 'Miss Awesome' days, and some days Miss Sucky will take the lead and try and sink my battleship of "good thoughts and positive intentions." Those days Miss Awesome will have to dig down deep and sally forth to win the war. It's the mind that, as always, is my greatest foe. But I'm Miss Awesome so nothing is too difficult for me to overcome (even my own self hatred!)It's time...it's time to live the life I was destined for; body, mind and soul...so Miss Sucky can suck it up and get on with it because it's time to turn flabby into fabby!

All The Things I've Been

I've been loved and I've been hated, misunderstood, obligated. I've been grief stricken, angst ridden. I've been tossed to the curb, treated like a queen, hand picked, foot kicked, scooped up, stripped bare, confident, frozen in fear. I've been lost, confused, wounded, bemused. I've been misused, abused, violated, validated, vindicated. I've been down but not out; reached the bottom and kept digging; climbed the stars and touched the sun. I've been adored, ignored, inspired, admired, desired, so tired. I've been helpless, hopeless, heartless, homeless.
I've been a doormat, put on a pedestal, burdened by expectations, bamboozled by my relations. I've been exiled, reviled, guilt tripped, soul whipped. I've been tied down, ripped apart, pieced together,broken heart. I've been unclear, held dear, mislaid, unpaid. I've been at peace, in despair, disillusioned beyond repair. I've been joyful, insecure, agitated, filled with peace, aggravated. I've been foolish and lonely, brilliant and bright; Sometimes I've been wrong, sometimes, I've been right. I've been somebody else when I should have been me. I've been conquered and redeemed and now I'm free.