I've decided that one of my best attributes is also one of my lousiest faults. I believe in the goodness of people. Personally, I blame this on fairy tales with their "happy ever after" premise which obviously left more of an impression on me than the other ugly truths rampant in such stories. I seek out the good, believe the best, and search for the great that lies within. Such a sucker.
So it should come as no surprise that from time to time I meet people in my life who don't live up to the potential we are all capable of. These moments can literal make a sensitive wee soul such as myself wish to fade away into an endless sea of hurt and hopelessness. I get damaged each and every time and yet somehow, I find the strength to pick myself off the floor and still believe. I am not sure whether this innate belief is a positive personality trait or whether it is the signs of a sad and delusional gal. Miss Awesome, of course, would claim that it takes a strong person to have courage in the spite of the reality of dealing with another human being. Miss Sucky almost chokes to death on her coffee at Miss Awesome's naivety.
So what makes one person pack up their emotions and bundle them away, and another, like me, who time and again open themselves up to an emotional roller coaster (or train wreak!) I ask this because I am curious as to how people can bottle their emotions and close that part of themselves off. More importantly, does it really work for the long term? What are the effects? Are we really better off not feeling anything at all? And how can one even possibly do that? It boggles my mind because even in the midst of my greatest hurt (and they are always the greatest hurt at the time of acute suffering) I just cannot seem to will myself to harden up. Truthfully, I guess I'm willing to embrace the pain. Maybe that makes me a fool as Miss Sucky would like to suppose. But I genuinely think I can be a better person for it. And I don't want to stop being open and available to the possibility that the good in each of us can always overcome the inadequacies we all feel inside.
I'm rambling. I meant to talk about the betrayal of 'false' friends. We've all been there. Perhaps, we have even been a false friend ourselves, even unwittingly. Pause for contemplation.
I wonder, as I suffer through the latest series of betrayals and tears, if my wounds are merely self inflicted.Do I feel betrayed by the other party or by myself? It's a little bit of both. Did I suppose that person to be a truer friend than they were? Clearly. But how did I let that happen? How did I not read the signs and understand all of them pointed to "the end" ? Why do I keep recycling and repeating the same behavior and can I make it stop? Can I break this habitual motion of love and loss and the impending downward sway of insignificance and self doubt? Miss Sucky believes that I will die alone and lonely, brokenhearted and emotion spent with nothing but the mocking voices of my insecurities to ring in my ears. She's a bit of a bitch really, this Miss Sucky. She is the worst of me at my worst and lowest point. She is the hidden fear that I have to constantly push down, avoid, suffocate. And sometimes she is all consuming.
Here is the truth, well my truth, as I see it. Yes, I need to "wise up" a little more and not so willingly embrace everyone I meet. I can't fix everyone. I won't be appreciated by some or even most of the people that traverse my life's path. I will be undervalued, misunderstood, misrepresented, used, abused, left, lied to, wounded, ignored, betrayed. I will suffer. I will suffer for it is part of the human condition. As long as I hold onto my humanity and all the little things that make me me, then I will continue to feel the agony of such matters. But here is a deeper truth. I will be appreciated by some, maybe even adored and loved. I will be admired, I may even inspire, and I will be considered with kindness by those who are part of my life not because of what they can get but also by what they can give. So it is those people that make the possibility of pain worth it. False friends will come and go. Some friendships are but for a season, and can be an invaluable lesson.
I choose to stand up with grace and press forward. I will not look back, I will not be deterred. I will embrace the pain as part of my story and wear the scars as a reminder that I am a survivor and that it is not weakness to be true to me. I wear my scars proudly because at least they show I give a damn. I am not content to curl up and admit defeat. I will live as though this is all I have. Cause it's all I've got.
I have the strength to bear up and surge forward and hope again. That is my caliber. It is my gift. And sucker or not, I choose to see it as a gift and not a curse.
