Wow- it's been ages since I have written in here- almost two months! So this is my first post for 2013. Truthfully, I haven't been in much of a mood to write anything too scathingly honest. I needed a break from exposing myself to the world. In the last post I wrote about expectations and the importance of setting them down and not having any. Of course, this is a large challenge...as life tends to be. It is far easier to SAY than DO. But actions speak louder than words, even though I, as a wordsmith am wont to admit this. Take Exhibit A for example. Exhibit A used beautiful words to coerce me into a sense of freedom and acceptance. They painted pictures of a grandiose future and loving present. However the actions of Exhibit A in the past two months (Yes, this is no coincidence that my non writing and their non action occur in the same time frame) do not even come close to backing up the words that flowed so easily. I felt duped. Worse, rejected. I free fell into an abyss and discovered that I was, yet again, alone. (Cue sad music here). The betrayal I felt left me raw. The loss of all that had been before and what might have been etched fresh wounds. Thoughts swirled in my mind that sought to destroy the very framework of my soul. But this agony of loss has been embraced (yes, somewhat begrudgingly to begin with) and the result has turned out to be a good thing. Exhibit A may have broken my heart, but he has not defeated it. It has become a catalyst for me to remember what I am fighting for. And who I am and wish to be. I could choose to let my hurt define the next few chapters of my life in a negative way, but I only wound myself further. There will no doubt be an impact on some of my decisions and interactions that will be tied into that swirling fear of self doubt and love denied, but I refuse to spend the next days, months, even years with little respite.
When we are broken; by others, by life, by expectations and dreams not quite made manifest, it is easy for us to feel that it is all too much to handle. That life is just this unfair game we are forced to play out. Dark thoughts can creep in and add to the weight of your despondency and color your world in tones that further dampen your soul. I love my mind...but I know it's power. There have been moments where I have let it run off on a tangent and then had to work hard to reign it back in when it found pathways that shot off to long forgotten crawl spaces in the dark recesses within. The mind is beautiful but it doesn't always have your best interest at heart. It knows your fears so well, even better than you do sometimes, and will exploit them for it's own amusement. Well, that is true for my mind. Hopefully you fair better! The past two months have been a breeding ground for rampant thoughts and weeding them out. I am glad to say that I am on the winning side. I have made the decision that I will not let this freshest heartache hold me down or keep me small. I won't bow down to that rising voice of fear and uncertainty. Good things can ALWAYS come out of hard situations. And no situation is untenable if we can just have the courage to see beyond our gaping wounds and see an opportunity for growth. A diamond only exists because of the pressure it was under as coal. A Butterfly undergoes a metamorphosis that forever will change its earlier perception of the world. Change is the constant of the universe. We either learn to roll with it, even when we feel out whole world has imploded, or we settle for a life less lived. I embrace change, even when I KNOW it's gonna hurt or force me to step outside of my comfort zone, because I believe that I am worth it. Exhibit A has been another recent reminder that my life matters and that I should make whatever time I have here count. And I guess that's the message for each of us to consider; We can choose to stay bound to our regrets and rejections and refusals and let that fester into our souls so that we never know true freedom or happiness or we can choose something more. We can choose to take our pains and disappointments and use that to propel us into a fuller existence.
There is no mistake that my friend Marco named this blog for me...he wanted it to serve as a reminder of how so many of my friends see me and how I need to see myself...that I am awesome! Don't let those moments when it feels like you are sucking to be the truth of how you see yourself. (or at least don't wallow too long in that moment). You are awesome; not sometimes, not on special occasions, not just on every second Tuesday, you are ALWAYS awesome. So hold onto that. And when your brain starts to fire back at you all your deepest fears and insecurities find a way to hold onto that small and simple truth: That life always offers you choices, even when it feels there are none. You may not be able to prevent something horrible and tragic and heartbreaking from happening but you CAN control your responses to the events that unfold around you. Ultimately all we can do is make the choice to continue to be broken by life's events or raise our heads up and choose to learn, grow, and let go. I know the choice I prefer....are you brave enough to do the same?
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Expectations
Expectations. You shouldn't have them. Simple as that really. So just stop it. Now. Seriously! Stop with all the expectations already! You're making yourself miserable because quite frankly, can anyone ever live up to them? think about that for a minute.
I've worked out that the source of many of life's misery begin and end with expectations. We suffer under the weight of them. We cripple ourselves and force others to be less than who they were meant to be. And for what? Ultimately, ego. I've been thinking about the expectations I've willingly or otherwise chained myself to. I expect, maybe even demand, things of myself and others that i have no right or reason to. It's human nature. I know this. We are always wanting more than what we have. But expectations will kill ya every time.
Now, I am not talking about the everyday little expectations that make the world go round. Those little expectations like the bus showing up (eventually) or the 6 o'clock news actually starting bang on 6pm. No, I'm talking more about those expectations that fester up in our mind and settle there. THOSE expectations. Like - other people are just like you. NO ONE ELSE IS LIKE YOU. This is a marvelous truth but hollow reality.
No matter how much we feel connected to someone, anyone, everyone, ultimately, the journey of ,life is our own. Life is a lonely experience. God, that sounds depressing doesn't it? I don't mean it in a negative way, rather that it is an observation i have made. For my experience of life is colored by its events and my personality and so many tiny factors which remain forever unique to me. When it comes right down to it, its amazing we function so well together, all things considered. Perhaps it is because we are alone we can identify with this thing we call the human condition.
I have been thinking about expectations of late. More importantly, not holding onto them. Those expectations that are unnecessary and will only cause you pain. I have been in a bit of a mental state of disarray in the past couple of months and one of those areas that I have been dealing with is in the area of expectations. Or perhaps, more to the point, the importance of not being so self absorbed that we forget that other people have lives going on too. I am not the self centered type...BUT I have decided to invest more of my energy and time into me the past few months and it has led me to learn A LOT about myself...but it has also made me become a bit too self involved. And to be honest...I don't do self involved very well at all. I have been miserable. Which obviously, is going to suit Miss Sucky just fine. She likes it that way. She likes it when I'm not at the top of my game and all 'woe is me.' But Miss Sucky is just the small part of me that feeds my insecurities and fears. And guess what? She is never going to win! Because I am Miss Awesome....and so are you (or Mr, Mrs, Ms, Dr, Lord....whatever; you get the point). We are allowed to have our sucky moments...they keep us real, they keep us human. But we should never allow our sucky moments to become the be all and end all of our existence. i am digressing from my point about expectations here...but i like tangents so I'm going with it.
My recent bout of the "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME's" has made me realize that I do have the capacity to be as completely self absorbed as anyone else. This has come as a shock as i have spent a lifetime deliberately avoiding opportunities for 'selfishness.' It's also been a treasure trove of opportunity for self discovery and forgiveness. And for letting go of preconceptions and expectations. It's also been somewhat of a severe bitch slap back into reality (which believe me, with the illogical side of me that has been rearing its ugly head for weeks now, is not a bad thing!)
Do I think i'm perfect? NO WAY! I'm under construction and every day life presents new opportunities for me to gain insight into who I am and the woman I want to be. Some of these lessons are easy and enjoyable - you know the type; those "AHA" moments. Some of the lessons are a lot more painful and require some serious thinking and some long hard looks at myself. I have found that I have been lacking in valuing myself. It is time for me to remember the self love i once had. It is time to be kinder to myself and yet not become complacent. It is time to let go of all those hurts and let downs from past relationships and experiences and embrace them for the opportunities they were to know myself. I am forever changing and it's a wonderfully terrifying and freeing experience. So i guess, where I am going with this, is just to encourage you, that even while the road might be hard right now, there is so much good that can come from it. That even in our most lowly and Sucky of moments, that there resides in us all that basic truth of each individual...That we are Awesome.
So I am letting go of all of those expectations I have about myself, my dreams, my desires and those around me. I am letting myself live truthfully in each day and embracing a new found sense of just how awesome I truly am. It's been a hard road...this concept of embracing the awesome being you are and knowing that you are still awesome even when you feel like you are sucking. It's a conscious decision that i choose to make.
I could go back to talking about expectations, but i don't think i need to. I'm just gonna close this post by saying that for the first time in a really long time i feel a peace. It may be short lived ( I have likely jinxed it :p) but I am embracing this new feeling of who I am. And I choose to see myself the way my friends and family and colleagues do- as an awesome woman because that is my truth. It's yours too, if you are willing to believe it :)
I've worked out that the source of many of life's misery begin and end with expectations. We suffer under the weight of them. We cripple ourselves and force others to be less than who they were meant to be. And for what? Ultimately, ego. I've been thinking about the expectations I've willingly or otherwise chained myself to. I expect, maybe even demand, things of myself and others that i have no right or reason to. It's human nature. I know this. We are always wanting more than what we have. But expectations will kill ya every time.
Now, I am not talking about the everyday little expectations that make the world go round. Those little expectations like the bus showing up (eventually) or the 6 o'clock news actually starting bang on 6pm. No, I'm talking more about those expectations that fester up in our mind and settle there. THOSE expectations. Like - other people are just like you. NO ONE ELSE IS LIKE YOU. This is a marvelous truth but hollow reality.
No matter how much we feel connected to someone, anyone, everyone, ultimately, the journey of ,life is our own. Life is a lonely experience. God, that sounds depressing doesn't it? I don't mean it in a negative way, rather that it is an observation i have made. For my experience of life is colored by its events and my personality and so many tiny factors which remain forever unique to me. When it comes right down to it, its amazing we function so well together, all things considered. Perhaps it is because we are alone we can identify with this thing we call the human condition.
I have been thinking about expectations of late. More importantly, not holding onto them. Those expectations that are unnecessary and will only cause you pain. I have been in a bit of a mental state of disarray in the past couple of months and one of those areas that I have been dealing with is in the area of expectations. Or perhaps, more to the point, the importance of not being so self absorbed that we forget that other people have lives going on too. I am not the self centered type...BUT I have decided to invest more of my energy and time into me the past few months and it has led me to learn A LOT about myself...but it has also made me become a bit too self involved. And to be honest...I don't do self involved very well at all. I have been miserable. Which obviously, is going to suit Miss Sucky just fine. She likes it that way. She likes it when I'm not at the top of my game and all 'woe is me.' But Miss Sucky is just the small part of me that feeds my insecurities and fears. And guess what? She is never going to win! Because I am Miss Awesome....and so are you (or Mr, Mrs, Ms, Dr, Lord....whatever; you get the point). We are allowed to have our sucky moments...they keep us real, they keep us human. But we should never allow our sucky moments to become the be all and end all of our existence. i am digressing from my point about expectations here...but i like tangents so I'm going with it.
My recent bout of the "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME's" has made me realize that I do have the capacity to be as completely self absorbed as anyone else. This has come as a shock as i have spent a lifetime deliberately avoiding opportunities for 'selfishness.' It's also been a treasure trove of opportunity for self discovery and forgiveness. And for letting go of preconceptions and expectations. It's also been somewhat of a severe bitch slap back into reality (which believe me, with the illogical side of me that has been rearing its ugly head for weeks now, is not a bad thing!)
Do I think i'm perfect? NO WAY! I'm under construction and every day life presents new opportunities for me to gain insight into who I am and the woman I want to be. Some of these lessons are easy and enjoyable - you know the type; those "AHA" moments. Some of the lessons are a lot more painful and require some serious thinking and some long hard looks at myself. I have found that I have been lacking in valuing myself. It is time for me to remember the self love i once had. It is time to be kinder to myself and yet not become complacent. It is time to let go of all those hurts and let downs from past relationships and experiences and embrace them for the opportunities they were to know myself. I am forever changing and it's a wonderfully terrifying and freeing experience. So i guess, where I am going with this, is just to encourage you, that even while the road might be hard right now, there is so much good that can come from it. That even in our most lowly and Sucky of moments, that there resides in us all that basic truth of each individual...That we are Awesome.
So I am letting go of all of those expectations I have about myself, my dreams, my desires and those around me. I am letting myself live truthfully in each day and embracing a new found sense of just how awesome I truly am. It's been a hard road...this concept of embracing the awesome being you are and knowing that you are still awesome even when you feel like you are sucking. It's a conscious decision that i choose to make.
I could go back to talking about expectations, but i don't think i need to. I'm just gonna close this post by saying that for the first time in a really long time i feel a peace. It may be short lived ( I have likely jinxed it :p) but I am embracing this new feeling of who I am. And I choose to see myself the way my friends and family and colleagues do- as an awesome woman because that is my truth. It's yours too, if you are willing to believe it :)
Friday, November 2, 2012
from caterpillar to butterfly
Butterflies are natures perfect example of the beauty of adapting to change. It's pretty amazing if you think about it; to start off as one thing and become something else entirely, or to become the best version of yourself. I've been thinking a lot lately about change and adaptation. In life, we are constantly challenged with change. Opportunities abound for self discovery, reflection, adjustments. But sometimes, we get so caught up in the pain of our circumstances that we forget to enjoy the moment. Yip, I said enjoy the pain! (This is the word we use when we can't find other words to identify what it is we are going through. So we call it suffering and hope that it will pass over us before long.) If we are being completely honest here, pain is one of life's greatest teacher. It is an expert into our psyche. It allows us to recognize our strengths and hone our weaknesses. It pushes us to look beyond the surface stuff, right down to the nitty gritty. And yes- sometimes it is a big ugly, gaping mess that stares right back at us. But this is good. I would even say great. Why? Because in order to be all that we can be, we must be willing to move beyond our hurts, our fears and our expectations. We have to confront ourselves, and that is not always a very easy thing to do. But it is so worth it!
One cannot become a butterfly without first changing. And this is where I think the existence of caterpillar's and butterflies are a valuable life lesson.They are a blueprint for humanity. We all start off as a caterpillar and through hard work and a lot of inward focus that struggle pays off as we re-emerge as a butterfly.
IF we are willing to do the hard yards to get there!
It's a struggle for a caterpillar to create a cocoon and then re-emerge a butterfly and it's not something that just happens...the caterpillar has to do the work required to meet their destiny. We forget this. Partly, because we live in a society where "I want it now" has become our mantra and we are always searching for a "Universal quick fix." Well guess what folks...a quick fix is usually nothing more than a band aid. And sooner or later, we all have to face those inner demons we try to squash down into the dark recesses of our hearts and minds if we truly want to live.
We can only stay a caterpillar for so long, feeding off the world around us. There comes a point where we need to bring the focus inward and face who we are and gauge it against who we want to be.
I call this the 'cocoon' stage
The cocoon, to me, represents a time of inward focus. A time where we look towards our own self, our truth, and discover who we are and where we want to go. And embrace it. I have been challenging myself to acknowledge some areas in my life that I have left hidden, buried by time and circumstance. Or areas that I have deemed too painful to traverse or let others into and so have cordoned them off as 'impassable.' In this journey of self discovery I have become acutely aware of some monsters I thought I had long destroyed (or at least smashed for a while). These monsters include a deep seated fear of rejection and self hatred. Miss Sucky, as you can imagine, has been having a field day! The last month has left me emotionally bruised as old wounds have flared up in new encounters. Never one to shy away from an opportunity to grow, Miss Awesome has plunged head first into the fray...not even waiting to dip her toes into the water. My mind, an ever growing battlefield, has wreaked havoc. Old insecurities have mounted an attack that has left me shell shocked and this glorious, over imaginative, always thinking, mind of mine which is always ready to harvest a field of irrational internal monologues that feed into these deepest of insecurities, has made me feel betrayed and wholly undone. It's been a beautifully raw and real experience. And while the struggle is not a whole lot of fun, this discovery of who I am, and learning to love myself again is totally worth every excruciating second.
One of my biggest discoveries of late: hard truth; a fear of being loved! I knew that I had a fear of being unloved, but was surprised to realize the fear of being love was always seated there. Which made me realize something further: I actually hated parts of myself. I had no real conscious idea how much control Miss Sucky had over some areas in my life. It makes me sad to consider the energy that I have invested in my own demise. I have entertained thoughts that bring death not life, bring cowardice not courage bring me down and not let me soar. I have hurt myself while I have been busy esteeming others, loving others, valuing others. But you can't truly love, respect or value other people if you don't really feel that way about the one person you are always with..yourself. So my cocoon period has been about me taking the time to look within. To recognize the awesomeness that is Sally. To love myself and to accept the love that has roared into my life. To boldly step out into who I am so that I can soar as I was always meant to do.
Most people who know me will think they I am already soaring...and in some aspects I am. (after all I AM Miss AWESOME! :p ) But I think we are at different times, encountering all three parts of a caterpillars journey....we can be the caterpillar, cocoon and butterfly all at the same time, but in different areas in our life. Right now, I am in a transitional stage where my growth is acknowledging my fears and pushing past them. This is my cocoon. This is my sum of all fears. This is my opportunity to fear less and hope more. To be the woman I already am.
I have some amazing people in my life who have become my advocates, cheerleaders, teachers. As I step forward to face these fears, I am surprised (and delighted) to find that I am not as alone as I first thought. There are people around me, watching me grow, watching for the chrysalis to hatch and for me to emerge a stronger, healthier version of me. Knowing I am loved, actually and really honestly, loved! has given me a sense of security. It's both freeing and terrifying. And I wouldn't have it any other way. For I have found my heart and my heart has given me hope. He has challenged me and inspired me and encouraged me to be as I am, right in this moment...which to be honest, there have been many moments of late where I have felt like a blubbering mess that would be better off locked up in an asylum. Finding someone who just gets me and accepts me so completely (and vice-versa) has given rise to my fears and this has given me a chance to do battle with them once and for all.
And peace settles, like golden rays dipped across dark waters and I feel the shift. The cocoon is unraveling. My thoughts change their direction as I no longer give into those negative patterns that weigh me down. It's time to fly.
.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Seeing opportunities
It's been seriously too long since i last posted in here. This is not because nothing of any interest has been happening in my life, or that my life has suddenly become all encompassing so that I have not made time or effort to post. Life just happens. And you suddenly wake up one day and realize its already mid September and the year is already racing to another close.
The year has been a mixed bag for me. I have loved, lost, and loved again. I've struggled to make sense of my place in the world and determined to press on, ever upward, always forward. I have made friends in unexpected places and lost friendships unexpectedly. I've both loved and hated my job; most of the time simultaneously! My health has taken a few hits and so has my wallet. It's been a year of growth and challenges and change and chances.
I used to think of myself as a perfectionist. I like to be the best I can be, to give my all, to shine. But I've been percolating an idea floating around in my head: That life isn't about perfection. And if you go about trying to achieve only perfection, you can miss a lot. It's all the little imperfections of my year that have added flavor to it. Miss Awesome is recognizing all the opportunities that life has offered up. Sometimes, Miss Sucky hasn't been quick to recognize them as such. She has labeled them maliciously and bemoaned her fate at times. Miss Awesome is looking back in sheer amazement at the many gifts that life has bestowed her. I have been inundated with a bevy of people who love me; truly love me; even my oddball antics, my over the top dramatic flair, my zest for life and my unabashed shame at trying to squeeze the joy out of every drop, every moment. Now, I am not saying that i always succeed. Cause sometimes Miss Sucky walks in and throws a pity party or itty bitty rage fest (not really rage as i am hardly the angry type, but i do know how to throw a good passionate rave), but i am beginning to channel my thoughts towards more positive endeavors.
And it's getting easier.
I am realizing more and more that I am not a true perfectionist. I love to take risks. I crave adventure and I don't require the approval of other people (Miss Sucky finds that last part a bit of a sticking point). I want to be good, no great, at whatever i do, but i don't mind making mistakes. I've gone from someone who was afraid to make mistakes to someone who embraces them. After all, you can't undo the past. No matter how much i long for that modified 1981 DeLorean DMC-12, I can't go back. I can't change or erase it and really, why would i want to? My past, littered with mistakes and some questionable decisions is a part of the woman I am today. Every thing that happens in our life is an opportunity to realize our potential. It's just so often we are too busy beating ourselves up or looking back with such regrets that we forget to acknowledge that we actually just might be a better person for the experience. And yes, even when the experience is down right, god-damn awful and hideous and seems that nothing good could possibly ever emerge from the ashes. Life happens. It's good, it's painful, it's fluid, it's ever changing and so are we. We just might not be aware of it- or aware if the experiences shape us for good or not so good.
Every moment is an opportunity- to learn about yourself, to change if necessary and to come to an acceptance of who others are. In life we can either be a ray of light or a thundercloud. A Tigger or Eyeore. We can influence other peoples attitudes and reactions. So I have been putting into practice the art of empathy. I work in a call center, and to be honest, it's a pretty thankless job. There is a lot of pressure and the calls are never ending. Call centers are the last frontier for bullies, so most days you'll get at least one caller who is obnoxious, rude and just grates you up the wrong way so much that you wish you could reach down the phone line and strangle them with their own cord. They can be abusive, aggressive and on the attack. Now I am a sweet pea. But I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. Firstly, I don't get paid enough to be verbally assaulted and secondly, I would never speak to another person in the manner that some people let rip. So I am usually very firm in my handling of such customers. But I also choose not to take it personally. They are not mad at me- I am just in the firing line. I don't know what else is going on in their lives, but I am certain that the reason for their call is just one in a long line of other stresses.
Often when you take yourself out of the equation, you can actually turn the situation into a positive experience. I was telling one of the most important and vital people in my life about a particularly hard day I had recently had and he said to me "Do you think your customers were giving you love or needing some?" And i instantly understood what he meant. The customers were certainly not giving any love to me but I could choose to "give love" to them. It's a motto that applies to any human being we encounter and in any situation . Sometimes people just need a little extra love heading their way. So, as a result, I have been extra sunshiny, I have been giving the 'love' that i would like to get, the love I freely give to my friends and family and co workers and applying that to my calls. I kind of authentically did it anyway, but now, I am consciously striving to give that love even in the most trying of circumstances.
It's a daily workout, but it's already becoming a habit. Within my own self, my energy levels have improved, my sense of self and worth and joy has shattered the Richter scale. And my attitude is much better: Not so many homicidal thoughts building up :P
I have learnt that while I can't control people's behavior, I can certainly control my own. And just maybe, affect change for the better in another person's life. Cause life isn't about what you have, or don't. It's not about where you work or how fit you are or how many people you date. It's about the connections you make and the opportunities you take to be a better you and help create a better world. Cause we are all in this together folks.
The year has been a mixed bag for me. I have loved, lost, and loved again. I've struggled to make sense of my place in the world and determined to press on, ever upward, always forward. I have made friends in unexpected places and lost friendships unexpectedly. I've both loved and hated my job; most of the time simultaneously! My health has taken a few hits and so has my wallet. It's been a year of growth and challenges and change and chances.
I used to think of myself as a perfectionist. I like to be the best I can be, to give my all, to shine. But I've been percolating an idea floating around in my head: That life isn't about perfection. And if you go about trying to achieve only perfection, you can miss a lot. It's all the little imperfections of my year that have added flavor to it. Miss Awesome is recognizing all the opportunities that life has offered up. Sometimes, Miss Sucky hasn't been quick to recognize them as such. She has labeled them maliciously and bemoaned her fate at times. Miss Awesome is looking back in sheer amazement at the many gifts that life has bestowed her. I have been inundated with a bevy of people who love me; truly love me; even my oddball antics, my over the top dramatic flair, my zest for life and my unabashed shame at trying to squeeze the joy out of every drop, every moment. Now, I am not saying that i always succeed. Cause sometimes Miss Sucky walks in and throws a pity party or itty bitty rage fest (not really rage as i am hardly the angry type, but i do know how to throw a good passionate rave), but i am beginning to channel my thoughts towards more positive endeavors.
And it's getting easier.
I am realizing more and more that I am not a true perfectionist. I love to take risks. I crave adventure and I don't require the approval of other people (Miss Sucky finds that last part a bit of a sticking point). I want to be good, no great, at whatever i do, but i don't mind making mistakes. I've gone from someone who was afraid to make mistakes to someone who embraces them. After all, you can't undo the past. No matter how much i long for that modified 1981 DeLorean DMC-12, I can't go back. I can't change or erase it and really, why would i want to? My past, littered with mistakes and some questionable decisions is a part of the woman I am today. Every thing that happens in our life is an opportunity to realize our potential. It's just so often we are too busy beating ourselves up or looking back with such regrets that we forget to acknowledge that we actually just might be a better person for the experience. And yes, even when the experience is down right, god-damn awful and hideous and seems that nothing good could possibly ever emerge from the ashes. Life happens. It's good, it's painful, it's fluid, it's ever changing and so are we. We just might not be aware of it- or aware if the experiences shape us for good or not so good.
Every moment is an opportunity- to learn about yourself, to change if necessary and to come to an acceptance of who others are. In life we can either be a ray of light or a thundercloud. A Tigger or Eyeore. We can influence other peoples attitudes and reactions. So I have been putting into practice the art of empathy. I work in a call center, and to be honest, it's a pretty thankless job. There is a lot of pressure and the calls are never ending. Call centers are the last frontier for bullies, so most days you'll get at least one caller who is obnoxious, rude and just grates you up the wrong way so much that you wish you could reach down the phone line and strangle them with their own cord. They can be abusive, aggressive and on the attack. Now I am a sweet pea. But I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. Firstly, I don't get paid enough to be verbally assaulted and secondly, I would never speak to another person in the manner that some people let rip. So I am usually very firm in my handling of such customers. But I also choose not to take it personally. They are not mad at me- I am just in the firing line. I don't know what else is going on in their lives, but I am certain that the reason for their call is just one in a long line of other stresses.
Often when you take yourself out of the equation, you can actually turn the situation into a positive experience. I was telling one of the most important and vital people in my life about a particularly hard day I had recently had and he said to me "Do you think your customers were giving you love or needing some?" And i instantly understood what he meant. The customers were certainly not giving any love to me but I could choose to "give love" to them. It's a motto that applies to any human being we encounter and in any situation . Sometimes people just need a little extra love heading their way. So, as a result, I have been extra sunshiny, I have been giving the 'love' that i would like to get, the love I freely give to my friends and family and co workers and applying that to my calls. I kind of authentically did it anyway, but now, I am consciously striving to give that love even in the most trying of circumstances.
It's a daily workout, but it's already becoming a habit. Within my own self, my energy levels have improved, my sense of self and worth and joy has shattered the Richter scale. And my attitude is much better: Not so many homicidal thoughts building up :P
I have learnt that while I can't control people's behavior, I can certainly control my own. And just maybe, affect change for the better in another person's life. Cause life isn't about what you have, or don't. It's not about where you work or how fit you are or how many people you date. It's about the connections you make and the opportunities you take to be a better you and help create a better world. Cause we are all in this together folks.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Surviving Betrayal
I've decided that one of my best attributes is also one of my lousiest faults. I believe in the goodness of people. Personally, I blame this on fairy tales with their "happy ever after" premise which obviously left more of an impression on me than the other ugly truths rampant in such stories. I seek out the good, believe the best, and search for the great that lies within. Such a sucker.
So it should come as no surprise that from time to time I meet people in my life who don't live up to the potential we are all capable of. These moments can literal make a sensitive wee soul such as myself wish to fade away into an endless sea of hurt and hopelessness. I get damaged each and every time and yet somehow, I find the strength to pick myself off the floor and still believe. I am not sure whether this innate belief is a positive personality trait or whether it is the signs of a sad and delusional gal. Miss Awesome, of course, would claim that it takes a strong person to have courage in the spite of the reality of dealing with another human being. Miss Sucky almost chokes to death on her coffee at Miss Awesome's naivety.
So what makes one person pack up their emotions and bundle them away, and another, like me, who time and again open themselves up to an emotional roller coaster (or train wreak!) I ask this because I am curious as to how people can bottle their emotions and close that part of themselves off. More importantly, does it really work for the long term? What are the effects? Are we really better off not feeling anything at all? And how can one even possibly do that? It boggles my mind because even in the midst of my greatest hurt (and they are always the greatest hurt at the time of acute suffering) I just cannot seem to will myself to harden up. Truthfully, I guess I'm willing to embrace the pain. Maybe that makes me a fool as Miss Sucky would like to suppose. But I genuinely think I can be a better person for it. And I don't want to stop being open and available to the possibility that the good in each of us can always overcome the inadequacies we all feel inside.
I'm rambling. I meant to talk about the betrayal of 'false' friends. We've all been there. Perhaps, we have even been a false friend ourselves, even unwittingly. Pause for contemplation.
I wonder, as I suffer through the latest series of betrayals and tears, if my wounds are merely self inflicted.Do I feel betrayed by the other party or by myself? It's a little bit of both. Did I suppose that person to be a truer friend than they were? Clearly. But how did I let that happen? How did I not read the signs and understand all of them pointed to "the end" ? Why do I keep recycling and repeating the same behavior and can I make it stop? Can I break this habitual motion of love and loss and the impending downward sway of insignificance and self doubt? Miss Sucky believes that I will die alone and lonely, brokenhearted and emotion spent with nothing but the mocking voices of my insecurities to ring in my ears. She's a bit of a bitch really, this Miss Sucky. She is the worst of me at my worst and lowest point. She is the hidden fear that I have to constantly push down, avoid, suffocate. And sometimes she is all consuming.
Here is the truth, well my truth, as I see it. Yes, I need to "wise up" a little more and not so willingly embrace everyone I meet. I can't fix everyone. I won't be appreciated by some or even most of the people that traverse my life's path. I will be undervalued, misunderstood, misrepresented, used, abused, left, lied to, wounded, ignored, betrayed. I will suffer. I will suffer for it is part of the human condition. As long as I hold onto my humanity and all the little things that make me me, then I will continue to feel the agony of such matters. But here is a deeper truth. I will be appreciated by some, maybe even adored and loved. I will be admired, I may even inspire, and I will be considered with kindness by those who are part of my life not because of what they can get but also by what they can give. So it is those people that make the possibility of pain worth it. False friends will come and go. Some friendships are but for a season, and can be an invaluable lesson.
I choose to stand up with grace and press forward. I will not look back, I will not be deterred. I will embrace the pain as part of my story and wear the scars as a reminder that I am a survivor and that it is not weakness to be true to me. I wear my scars proudly because at least they show I give a damn. I am not content to curl up and admit defeat. I will live as though this is all I have. Cause it's all I've got.
I have the strength to bear up and surge forward and hope again. That is my caliber. It is my gift. And sucker or not, I choose to see it as a gift and not a curse.
So it should come as no surprise that from time to time I meet people in my life who don't live up to the potential we are all capable of. These moments can literal make a sensitive wee soul such as myself wish to fade away into an endless sea of hurt and hopelessness. I get damaged each and every time and yet somehow, I find the strength to pick myself off the floor and still believe. I am not sure whether this innate belief is a positive personality trait or whether it is the signs of a sad and delusional gal. Miss Awesome, of course, would claim that it takes a strong person to have courage in the spite of the reality of dealing with another human being. Miss Sucky almost chokes to death on her coffee at Miss Awesome's naivety.
So what makes one person pack up their emotions and bundle them away, and another, like me, who time and again open themselves up to an emotional roller coaster (or train wreak!) I ask this because I am curious as to how people can bottle their emotions and close that part of themselves off. More importantly, does it really work for the long term? What are the effects? Are we really better off not feeling anything at all? And how can one even possibly do that? It boggles my mind because even in the midst of my greatest hurt (and they are always the greatest hurt at the time of acute suffering) I just cannot seem to will myself to harden up. Truthfully, I guess I'm willing to embrace the pain. Maybe that makes me a fool as Miss Sucky would like to suppose. But I genuinely think I can be a better person for it. And I don't want to stop being open and available to the possibility that the good in each of us can always overcome the inadequacies we all feel inside.
I'm rambling. I meant to talk about the betrayal of 'false' friends. We've all been there. Perhaps, we have even been a false friend ourselves, even unwittingly. Pause for contemplation.
I wonder, as I suffer through the latest series of betrayals and tears, if my wounds are merely self inflicted.Do I feel betrayed by the other party or by myself? It's a little bit of both. Did I suppose that person to be a truer friend than they were? Clearly. But how did I let that happen? How did I not read the signs and understand all of them pointed to "the end" ? Why do I keep recycling and repeating the same behavior and can I make it stop? Can I break this habitual motion of love and loss and the impending downward sway of insignificance and self doubt? Miss Sucky believes that I will die alone and lonely, brokenhearted and emotion spent with nothing but the mocking voices of my insecurities to ring in my ears. She's a bit of a bitch really, this Miss Sucky. She is the worst of me at my worst and lowest point. She is the hidden fear that I have to constantly push down, avoid, suffocate. And sometimes she is all consuming.
Here is the truth, well my truth, as I see it. Yes, I need to "wise up" a little more and not so willingly embrace everyone I meet. I can't fix everyone. I won't be appreciated by some or even most of the people that traverse my life's path. I will be undervalued, misunderstood, misrepresented, used, abused, left, lied to, wounded, ignored, betrayed. I will suffer. I will suffer for it is part of the human condition. As long as I hold onto my humanity and all the little things that make me me, then I will continue to feel the agony of such matters. But here is a deeper truth. I will be appreciated by some, maybe even adored and loved. I will be admired, I may even inspire, and I will be considered with kindness by those who are part of my life not because of what they can get but also by what they can give. So it is those people that make the possibility of pain worth it. False friends will come and go. Some friendships are but for a season, and can be an invaluable lesson.
I choose to stand up with grace and press forward. I will not look back, I will not be deterred. I will embrace the pain as part of my story and wear the scars as a reminder that I am a survivor and that it is not weakness to be true to me. I wear my scars proudly because at least they show I give a damn. I am not content to curl up and admit defeat. I will live as though this is all I have. Cause it's all I've got.
I have the strength to bear up and surge forward and hope again. That is my caliber. It is my gift. And sucker or not, I choose to see it as a gift and not a curse.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Plan
Things aren't necessarily going according to plan. But I console myself with the knowledge, that at least, I have a plan in place, which is a good starting point. This whole 'plan' business is quite a stretch for someone like me- I'm unstructured, people rather than goal orientated, and easily distracted by bright and shining new objects. I have plans, dreams, goals...it's just that I haven't really known how to go about successfully pursuing those things. I like to think that I am a woman of action, and sometimes that is exactly what I am. Except when I am not. It could just be my wishful thinking here, (cause let's face it, I am secretly hoping that everyone's life is just as screwed up as mine!) but I think most people will be able to identify with me a little. Of course it's highly possible that I am indeed the ONLY person who does not have my entire life all together in perfect harmony...but I know people, and quite frankly we all suck sometimes and it's that knowledge that gives me hope that I am not the only person to feel like they are faltering on the runway to their success.
"Alright," you say, "Are you actually going to get to a point Miss Blonde? Or are you just going to ramble along incessantly, creating some of the world's longest, jimble, jumble of sentences along the way?"
I guess my point is this: I've spent a lifetime avoiding making a "plan" because I saw it as an enemy to my success. Actually, the only enemy to my success has been ME and my unwillingness to stretch forth my hands, to step out and present to the world who I am and all that I can be. Have you ever done that? Acted small and insignificant cause you mistakenly thought you were? Have you stopped yourself from going places (and I don't mean by car, train or other modes of transportation) or taken yourself out of the running by not even getting involved in the first place? I've done that more times than I am probably aware. I have been content to wallow in my dreams rather than chase them.
The past year has been a huge learning curve for me. It's been full of small successes and some great pains. I've taken steps forward and then fallen back. But that is life. It's fluid. It's full of moments of greatness intermingled with agony. One day can be nothing but sunshine and glee, the next, a darkened room full of haze and mirrors.
I've been learning to make a plan...not just a general wanting, but an actual plan that will yield results. Some days the plan works in my favor, and other times it feels like a big waste of space and effort. At the moment, some things are not going according to plan. But then most of those things are the expectations and "plans" other people think i should have. And that's the other thing I am working on- trying to stop focusing on what other people anticipate my life should be. I'm focused on what I really want and working out ways to make that happen. It's scary, let me tell you. But I think that life should be a little scary. I think when we stop challenging ourselves, stop putting ourselves out there, stop learning and growing and moving forward, we become stagnant. This to me is a fate worse than death. In fact, kill me, please, if I reduce myself to nothing more than being complacent. That's not part of the plan. And while its in slow motion at the moment, I know that at least I am on my way. And maybe, if I can truly learn to stop fighting myself, I might actually get there; to the end of this plan. Just in time to start a new one all over again.
"Alright," you say, "Are you actually going to get to a point Miss Blonde? Or are you just going to ramble along incessantly, creating some of the world's longest, jimble, jumble of sentences along the way?"
I guess my point is this: I've spent a lifetime avoiding making a "plan" because I saw it as an enemy to my success. Actually, the only enemy to my success has been ME and my unwillingness to stretch forth my hands, to step out and present to the world who I am and all that I can be. Have you ever done that? Acted small and insignificant cause you mistakenly thought you were? Have you stopped yourself from going places (and I don't mean by car, train or other modes of transportation) or taken yourself out of the running by not even getting involved in the first place? I've done that more times than I am probably aware. I have been content to wallow in my dreams rather than chase them.
The past year has been a huge learning curve for me. It's been full of small successes and some great pains. I've taken steps forward and then fallen back. But that is life. It's fluid. It's full of moments of greatness intermingled with agony. One day can be nothing but sunshine and glee, the next, a darkened room full of haze and mirrors.
I've been learning to make a plan...not just a general wanting, but an actual plan that will yield results. Some days the plan works in my favor, and other times it feels like a big waste of space and effort. At the moment, some things are not going according to plan. But then most of those things are the expectations and "plans" other people think i should have. And that's the other thing I am working on- trying to stop focusing on what other people anticipate my life should be. I'm focused on what I really want and working out ways to make that happen. It's scary, let me tell you. But I think that life should be a little scary. I think when we stop challenging ourselves, stop putting ourselves out there, stop learning and growing and moving forward, we become stagnant. This to me is a fate worse than death. In fact, kill me, please, if I reduce myself to nothing more than being complacent. That's not part of the plan. And while its in slow motion at the moment, I know that at least I am on my way. And maybe, if I can truly learn to stop fighting myself, I might actually get there; to the end of this plan. Just in time to start a new one all over again.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Pick your investments
I've spent years investing into other people's lives. I've given time, money, ideas, my heart and humor. I've invested but my returns have been minimal for the most part. In fact, in many cases, I've become bankrupt. My spirit, my soul, my heart have become destitute by my overwhelming support and sowing into others lives. Now I'm not saying that all my investments have been bad- but many have come at the expense of my own self. There is little point in investing in others if you are not investing in your own life. And there is no point in investing in something that gives you nothing in return. I've been looking over my life in the past few weeks and I have come to realize that I need to stop sending myself bankrupt. I need to make wiser investments. I need to invest in the one person who won't let me down. Who won't use and abuse my generosity, my kind nature or my sincere willingness to leave an indelible mark in someone's life. This year, I'm investing in me.
I should have done it years ago. Perhaps if I had, I'd be living the life I've always wanted to live. Perhaps if I had just given more regard for myself instead of playing martyr and trying to be all things to all people, I would have made greater leaps and bounds then where I am now. But that is just conjecture. Everything happens for a reason and in the right time. Maybe all the things that have led me to this point are the very things required to get me where I need to be. Now is the time. I am ready. Ready to move forward, to focus, to chase down dreams and not let anyone or anything (especially myself) get in my way.
It's time to shake off the shackles that tell me that anything I do for myself is pure selfishness. I regard selfishness as one of the most ugly characteristics one can be lumbered with. I hate selfish people and it disturbs me to think that I might be perceived that way. But I've taken being selfless to the point of ridiculousness. Honestly, my selflessness could have me working a full time job as a doormat. So I'm drawing a line and staking my claim. This gal will no longer be a doormat or sounding board or heartbreak hotel. No more will I allow myself to pick up all the pieces, unpack the baggage or clear the garbage. I'll still invest in people, but I'll be smarter about it. Some relationships I've formed will have to go. The ones that take but never give. The ones that leave me drained, tear strained and short changed.
I hope that as you read this, you will consider the investments of your own life. Are they worth it? Are they a resource or a drain on your capital? If you are investing in someone who is equally investing in you, hold on tight. But if you are the one doing all the work, then maybe it's worth a second look. Alternatively, you might be someone who needs to start investing in others. It's all about balance. A life full of joy and peace is one that gives AND receives and knows when to hold back for themselves. We can't invest in anyone else when our own well is dry. This is my year, your year, our year to make our investments work for us...and there is no better place to start then from within.
I should have done it years ago. Perhaps if I had, I'd be living the life I've always wanted to live. Perhaps if I had just given more regard for myself instead of playing martyr and trying to be all things to all people, I would have made greater leaps and bounds then where I am now. But that is just conjecture. Everything happens for a reason and in the right time. Maybe all the things that have led me to this point are the very things required to get me where I need to be. Now is the time. I am ready. Ready to move forward, to focus, to chase down dreams and not let anyone or anything (especially myself) get in my way.
It's time to shake off the shackles that tell me that anything I do for myself is pure selfishness. I regard selfishness as one of the most ugly characteristics one can be lumbered with. I hate selfish people and it disturbs me to think that I might be perceived that way. But I've taken being selfless to the point of ridiculousness. Honestly, my selflessness could have me working a full time job as a doormat. So I'm drawing a line and staking my claim. This gal will no longer be a doormat or sounding board or heartbreak hotel. No more will I allow myself to pick up all the pieces, unpack the baggage or clear the garbage. I'll still invest in people, but I'll be smarter about it. Some relationships I've formed will have to go. The ones that take but never give. The ones that leave me drained, tear strained and short changed.
I hope that as you read this, you will consider the investments of your own life. Are they worth it? Are they a resource or a drain on your capital? If you are investing in someone who is equally investing in you, hold on tight. But if you are the one doing all the work, then maybe it's worth a second look. Alternatively, you might be someone who needs to start investing in others. It's all about balance. A life full of joy and peace is one that gives AND receives and knows when to hold back for themselves. We can't invest in anyone else when our own well is dry. This is my year, your year, our year to make our investments work for us...and there is no better place to start then from within.
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