Wow- it's been ages since I have written in here- almost two months! So this is my first post for 2013. Truthfully, I haven't been in much of a mood to write anything too scathingly honest. I needed a break from exposing myself to the world. In the last post I wrote about expectations and the importance of setting them down and not having any. Of course, this is a large challenge...as life tends to be. It is far easier to SAY than DO. But actions speak louder than words, even though I, as a wordsmith am wont to admit this. Take Exhibit A for example. Exhibit A used beautiful words to coerce me into a sense of freedom and acceptance. They painted pictures of a grandiose future and loving present. However the actions of Exhibit A in the past two months (Yes, this is no coincidence that my non writing and their non action occur in the same time frame) do not even come close to backing up the words that flowed so easily. I felt duped. Worse, rejected. I free fell into an abyss and discovered that I was, yet again, alone. (Cue sad music here). The betrayal I felt left me raw. The loss of all that had been before and what might have been etched fresh wounds. Thoughts swirled in my mind that sought to destroy the very framework of my soul. But this agony of loss has been embraced (yes, somewhat begrudgingly to begin with) and the result has turned out to be a good thing. Exhibit A may have broken my heart, but he has not defeated it. It has become a catalyst for me to remember what I am fighting for. And who I am and wish to be. I could choose to let my hurt define the next few chapters of my life in a negative way, but I only wound myself further. There will no doubt be an impact on some of my decisions and interactions that will be tied into that swirling fear of self doubt and love denied, but I refuse to spend the next days, months, even years with little respite.
When we are broken; by others, by life, by expectations and dreams not quite made manifest, it is easy for us to feel that it is all too much to handle. That life is just this unfair game we are forced to play out. Dark thoughts can creep in and add to the weight of your despondency and color your world in tones that further dampen your soul. I love my mind...but I know it's power. There have been moments where I have let it run off on a tangent and then had to work hard to reign it back in when it found pathways that shot off to long forgotten crawl spaces in the dark recesses within. The mind is beautiful but it doesn't always have your best interest at heart. It knows your fears so well, even better than you do sometimes, and will exploit them for it's own amusement. Well, that is true for my mind. Hopefully you fair better! The past two months have been a breeding ground for rampant thoughts and weeding them out. I am glad to say that I am on the winning side. I have made the decision that I will not let this freshest heartache hold me down or keep me small. I won't bow down to that rising voice of fear and uncertainty. Good things can ALWAYS come out of hard situations. And no situation is untenable if we can just have the courage to see beyond our gaping wounds and see an opportunity for growth. A diamond only exists because of the pressure it was under as coal. A Butterfly undergoes a metamorphosis that forever will change its earlier perception of the world. Change is the constant of the universe. We either learn to roll with it, even when we feel out whole world has imploded, or we settle for a life less lived. I embrace change, even when I KNOW it's gonna hurt or force me to step outside of my comfort zone, because I believe that I am worth it. Exhibit A has been another recent reminder that my life matters and that I should make whatever time I have here count. And I guess that's the message for each of us to consider; We can choose to stay bound to our regrets and rejections and refusals and let that fester into our souls so that we never know true freedom or happiness or we can choose something more. We can choose to take our pains and disappointments and use that to propel us into a fuller existence.
There is no mistake that my friend Marco named this blog for me...he wanted it to serve as a reminder of how so many of my friends see me and how I need to see myself...that I am awesome! Don't let those moments when it feels like you are sucking to be the truth of how you see yourself. (or at least don't wallow too long in that moment). You are awesome; not sometimes, not on special occasions, not just on every second Tuesday, you are ALWAYS awesome. So hold onto that. And when your brain starts to fire back at you all your deepest fears and insecurities find a way to hold onto that small and simple truth: That life always offers you choices, even when it feels there are none. You may not be able to prevent something horrible and tragic and heartbreaking from happening but you CAN control your responses to the events that unfold around you. Ultimately all we can do is make the choice to continue to be broken by life's events or raise our heads up and choose to learn, grow, and let go. I know the choice I prefer....are you brave enough to do the same?
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Expectations
Expectations. You shouldn't have them. Simple as that really. So just stop it. Now. Seriously! Stop with all the expectations already! You're making yourself miserable because quite frankly, can anyone ever live up to them? think about that for a minute.
I've worked out that the source of many of life's misery begin and end with expectations. We suffer under the weight of them. We cripple ourselves and force others to be less than who they were meant to be. And for what? Ultimately, ego. I've been thinking about the expectations I've willingly or otherwise chained myself to. I expect, maybe even demand, things of myself and others that i have no right or reason to. It's human nature. I know this. We are always wanting more than what we have. But expectations will kill ya every time.
Now, I am not talking about the everyday little expectations that make the world go round. Those little expectations like the bus showing up (eventually) or the 6 o'clock news actually starting bang on 6pm. No, I'm talking more about those expectations that fester up in our mind and settle there. THOSE expectations. Like - other people are just like you. NO ONE ELSE IS LIKE YOU. This is a marvelous truth but hollow reality.
No matter how much we feel connected to someone, anyone, everyone, ultimately, the journey of ,life is our own. Life is a lonely experience. God, that sounds depressing doesn't it? I don't mean it in a negative way, rather that it is an observation i have made. For my experience of life is colored by its events and my personality and so many tiny factors which remain forever unique to me. When it comes right down to it, its amazing we function so well together, all things considered. Perhaps it is because we are alone we can identify with this thing we call the human condition.
I have been thinking about expectations of late. More importantly, not holding onto them. Those expectations that are unnecessary and will only cause you pain. I have been in a bit of a mental state of disarray in the past couple of months and one of those areas that I have been dealing with is in the area of expectations. Or perhaps, more to the point, the importance of not being so self absorbed that we forget that other people have lives going on too. I am not the self centered type...BUT I have decided to invest more of my energy and time into me the past few months and it has led me to learn A LOT about myself...but it has also made me become a bit too self involved. And to be honest...I don't do self involved very well at all. I have been miserable. Which obviously, is going to suit Miss Sucky just fine. She likes it that way. She likes it when I'm not at the top of my game and all 'woe is me.' But Miss Sucky is just the small part of me that feeds my insecurities and fears. And guess what? She is never going to win! Because I am Miss Awesome....and so are you (or Mr, Mrs, Ms, Dr, Lord....whatever; you get the point). We are allowed to have our sucky moments...they keep us real, they keep us human. But we should never allow our sucky moments to become the be all and end all of our existence. i am digressing from my point about expectations here...but i like tangents so I'm going with it.
My recent bout of the "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME's" has made me realize that I do have the capacity to be as completely self absorbed as anyone else. This has come as a shock as i have spent a lifetime deliberately avoiding opportunities for 'selfishness.' It's also been a treasure trove of opportunity for self discovery and forgiveness. And for letting go of preconceptions and expectations. It's also been somewhat of a severe bitch slap back into reality (which believe me, with the illogical side of me that has been rearing its ugly head for weeks now, is not a bad thing!)
Do I think i'm perfect? NO WAY! I'm under construction and every day life presents new opportunities for me to gain insight into who I am and the woman I want to be. Some of these lessons are easy and enjoyable - you know the type; those "AHA" moments. Some of the lessons are a lot more painful and require some serious thinking and some long hard looks at myself. I have found that I have been lacking in valuing myself. It is time for me to remember the self love i once had. It is time to be kinder to myself and yet not become complacent. It is time to let go of all those hurts and let downs from past relationships and experiences and embrace them for the opportunities they were to know myself. I am forever changing and it's a wonderfully terrifying and freeing experience. So i guess, where I am going with this, is just to encourage you, that even while the road might be hard right now, there is so much good that can come from it. That even in our most lowly and Sucky of moments, that there resides in us all that basic truth of each individual...That we are Awesome.
So I am letting go of all of those expectations I have about myself, my dreams, my desires and those around me. I am letting myself live truthfully in each day and embracing a new found sense of just how awesome I truly am. It's been a hard road...this concept of embracing the awesome being you are and knowing that you are still awesome even when you feel like you are sucking. It's a conscious decision that i choose to make.
I could go back to talking about expectations, but i don't think i need to. I'm just gonna close this post by saying that for the first time in a really long time i feel a peace. It may be short lived ( I have likely jinxed it :p) but I am embracing this new feeling of who I am. And I choose to see myself the way my friends and family and colleagues do- as an awesome woman because that is my truth. It's yours too, if you are willing to believe it :)
I've worked out that the source of many of life's misery begin and end with expectations. We suffer under the weight of them. We cripple ourselves and force others to be less than who they were meant to be. And for what? Ultimately, ego. I've been thinking about the expectations I've willingly or otherwise chained myself to. I expect, maybe even demand, things of myself and others that i have no right or reason to. It's human nature. I know this. We are always wanting more than what we have. But expectations will kill ya every time.
Now, I am not talking about the everyday little expectations that make the world go round. Those little expectations like the bus showing up (eventually) or the 6 o'clock news actually starting bang on 6pm. No, I'm talking more about those expectations that fester up in our mind and settle there. THOSE expectations. Like - other people are just like you. NO ONE ELSE IS LIKE YOU. This is a marvelous truth but hollow reality.
No matter how much we feel connected to someone, anyone, everyone, ultimately, the journey of ,life is our own. Life is a lonely experience. God, that sounds depressing doesn't it? I don't mean it in a negative way, rather that it is an observation i have made. For my experience of life is colored by its events and my personality and so many tiny factors which remain forever unique to me. When it comes right down to it, its amazing we function so well together, all things considered. Perhaps it is because we are alone we can identify with this thing we call the human condition.
I have been thinking about expectations of late. More importantly, not holding onto them. Those expectations that are unnecessary and will only cause you pain. I have been in a bit of a mental state of disarray in the past couple of months and one of those areas that I have been dealing with is in the area of expectations. Or perhaps, more to the point, the importance of not being so self absorbed that we forget that other people have lives going on too. I am not the self centered type...BUT I have decided to invest more of my energy and time into me the past few months and it has led me to learn A LOT about myself...but it has also made me become a bit too self involved. And to be honest...I don't do self involved very well at all. I have been miserable. Which obviously, is going to suit Miss Sucky just fine. She likes it that way. She likes it when I'm not at the top of my game and all 'woe is me.' But Miss Sucky is just the small part of me that feeds my insecurities and fears. And guess what? She is never going to win! Because I am Miss Awesome....and so are you (or Mr, Mrs, Ms, Dr, Lord....whatever; you get the point). We are allowed to have our sucky moments...they keep us real, they keep us human. But we should never allow our sucky moments to become the be all and end all of our existence. i am digressing from my point about expectations here...but i like tangents so I'm going with it.
My recent bout of the "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME's" has made me realize that I do have the capacity to be as completely self absorbed as anyone else. This has come as a shock as i have spent a lifetime deliberately avoiding opportunities for 'selfishness.' It's also been a treasure trove of opportunity for self discovery and forgiveness. And for letting go of preconceptions and expectations. It's also been somewhat of a severe bitch slap back into reality (which believe me, with the illogical side of me that has been rearing its ugly head for weeks now, is not a bad thing!)
Do I think i'm perfect? NO WAY! I'm under construction and every day life presents new opportunities for me to gain insight into who I am and the woman I want to be. Some of these lessons are easy and enjoyable - you know the type; those "AHA" moments. Some of the lessons are a lot more painful and require some serious thinking and some long hard looks at myself. I have found that I have been lacking in valuing myself. It is time for me to remember the self love i once had. It is time to be kinder to myself and yet not become complacent. It is time to let go of all those hurts and let downs from past relationships and experiences and embrace them for the opportunities they were to know myself. I am forever changing and it's a wonderfully terrifying and freeing experience. So i guess, where I am going with this, is just to encourage you, that even while the road might be hard right now, there is so much good that can come from it. That even in our most lowly and Sucky of moments, that there resides in us all that basic truth of each individual...That we are Awesome.
So I am letting go of all of those expectations I have about myself, my dreams, my desires and those around me. I am letting myself live truthfully in each day and embracing a new found sense of just how awesome I truly am. It's been a hard road...this concept of embracing the awesome being you are and knowing that you are still awesome even when you feel like you are sucking. It's a conscious decision that i choose to make.
I could go back to talking about expectations, but i don't think i need to. I'm just gonna close this post by saying that for the first time in a really long time i feel a peace. It may be short lived ( I have likely jinxed it :p) but I am embracing this new feeling of who I am. And I choose to see myself the way my friends and family and colleagues do- as an awesome woman because that is my truth. It's yours too, if you are willing to believe it :)
Friday, November 2, 2012
from caterpillar to butterfly
Butterflies are natures perfect example of the beauty of adapting to change. It's pretty amazing if you think about it; to start off as one thing and become something else entirely, or to become the best version of yourself. I've been thinking a lot lately about change and adaptation. In life, we are constantly challenged with change. Opportunities abound for self discovery, reflection, adjustments. But sometimes, we get so caught up in the pain of our circumstances that we forget to enjoy the moment. Yip, I said enjoy the pain! (This is the word we use when we can't find other words to identify what it is we are going through. So we call it suffering and hope that it will pass over us before long.) If we are being completely honest here, pain is one of life's greatest teacher. It is an expert into our psyche. It allows us to recognize our strengths and hone our weaknesses. It pushes us to look beyond the surface stuff, right down to the nitty gritty. And yes- sometimes it is a big ugly, gaping mess that stares right back at us. But this is good. I would even say great. Why? Because in order to be all that we can be, we must be willing to move beyond our hurts, our fears and our expectations. We have to confront ourselves, and that is not always a very easy thing to do. But it is so worth it!
One cannot become a butterfly without first changing. And this is where I think the existence of caterpillar's and butterflies are a valuable life lesson.They are a blueprint for humanity. We all start off as a caterpillar and through hard work and a lot of inward focus that struggle pays off as we re-emerge as a butterfly.
IF we are willing to do the hard yards to get there!
It's a struggle for a caterpillar to create a cocoon and then re-emerge a butterfly and it's not something that just happens...the caterpillar has to do the work required to meet their destiny. We forget this. Partly, because we live in a society where "I want it now" has become our mantra and we are always searching for a "Universal quick fix." Well guess what folks...a quick fix is usually nothing more than a band aid. And sooner or later, we all have to face those inner demons we try to squash down into the dark recesses of our hearts and minds if we truly want to live.
We can only stay a caterpillar for so long, feeding off the world around us. There comes a point where we need to bring the focus inward and face who we are and gauge it against who we want to be.
I call this the 'cocoon' stage
The cocoon, to me, represents a time of inward focus. A time where we look towards our own self, our truth, and discover who we are and where we want to go. And embrace it. I have been challenging myself to acknowledge some areas in my life that I have left hidden, buried by time and circumstance. Or areas that I have deemed too painful to traverse or let others into and so have cordoned them off as 'impassable.' In this journey of self discovery I have become acutely aware of some monsters I thought I had long destroyed (or at least smashed for a while). These monsters include a deep seated fear of rejection and self hatred. Miss Sucky, as you can imagine, has been having a field day! The last month has left me emotionally bruised as old wounds have flared up in new encounters. Never one to shy away from an opportunity to grow, Miss Awesome has plunged head first into the fray...not even waiting to dip her toes into the water. My mind, an ever growing battlefield, has wreaked havoc. Old insecurities have mounted an attack that has left me shell shocked and this glorious, over imaginative, always thinking, mind of mine which is always ready to harvest a field of irrational internal monologues that feed into these deepest of insecurities, has made me feel betrayed and wholly undone. It's been a beautifully raw and real experience. And while the struggle is not a whole lot of fun, this discovery of who I am, and learning to love myself again is totally worth every excruciating second.
One of my biggest discoveries of late: hard truth; a fear of being loved! I knew that I had a fear of being unloved, but was surprised to realize the fear of being love was always seated there. Which made me realize something further: I actually hated parts of myself. I had no real conscious idea how much control Miss Sucky had over some areas in my life. It makes me sad to consider the energy that I have invested in my own demise. I have entertained thoughts that bring death not life, bring cowardice not courage bring me down and not let me soar. I have hurt myself while I have been busy esteeming others, loving others, valuing others. But you can't truly love, respect or value other people if you don't really feel that way about the one person you are always with..yourself. So my cocoon period has been about me taking the time to look within. To recognize the awesomeness that is Sally. To love myself and to accept the love that has roared into my life. To boldly step out into who I am so that I can soar as I was always meant to do.
Most people who know me will think they I am already soaring...and in some aspects I am. (after all I AM Miss AWESOME! :p ) But I think we are at different times, encountering all three parts of a caterpillars journey....we can be the caterpillar, cocoon and butterfly all at the same time, but in different areas in our life. Right now, I am in a transitional stage where my growth is acknowledging my fears and pushing past them. This is my cocoon. This is my sum of all fears. This is my opportunity to fear less and hope more. To be the woman I already am.
I have some amazing people in my life who have become my advocates, cheerleaders, teachers. As I step forward to face these fears, I am surprised (and delighted) to find that I am not as alone as I first thought. There are people around me, watching me grow, watching for the chrysalis to hatch and for me to emerge a stronger, healthier version of me. Knowing I am loved, actually and really honestly, loved! has given me a sense of security. It's both freeing and terrifying. And I wouldn't have it any other way. For I have found my heart and my heart has given me hope. He has challenged me and inspired me and encouraged me to be as I am, right in this moment...which to be honest, there have been many moments of late where I have felt like a blubbering mess that would be better off locked up in an asylum. Finding someone who just gets me and accepts me so completely (and vice-versa) has given rise to my fears and this has given me a chance to do battle with them once and for all.
And peace settles, like golden rays dipped across dark waters and I feel the shift. The cocoon is unraveling. My thoughts change their direction as I no longer give into those negative patterns that weigh me down. It's time to fly.
.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Seeing opportunities
It's been seriously too long since i last posted in here. This is not because nothing of any interest has been happening in my life, or that my life has suddenly become all encompassing so that I have not made time or effort to post. Life just happens. And you suddenly wake up one day and realize its already mid September and the year is already racing to another close.
The year has been a mixed bag for me. I have loved, lost, and loved again. I've struggled to make sense of my place in the world and determined to press on, ever upward, always forward. I have made friends in unexpected places and lost friendships unexpectedly. I've both loved and hated my job; most of the time simultaneously! My health has taken a few hits and so has my wallet. It's been a year of growth and challenges and change and chances.
I used to think of myself as a perfectionist. I like to be the best I can be, to give my all, to shine. But I've been percolating an idea floating around in my head: That life isn't about perfection. And if you go about trying to achieve only perfection, you can miss a lot. It's all the little imperfections of my year that have added flavor to it. Miss Awesome is recognizing all the opportunities that life has offered up. Sometimes, Miss Sucky hasn't been quick to recognize them as such. She has labeled them maliciously and bemoaned her fate at times. Miss Awesome is looking back in sheer amazement at the many gifts that life has bestowed her. I have been inundated with a bevy of people who love me; truly love me; even my oddball antics, my over the top dramatic flair, my zest for life and my unabashed shame at trying to squeeze the joy out of every drop, every moment. Now, I am not saying that i always succeed. Cause sometimes Miss Sucky walks in and throws a pity party or itty bitty rage fest (not really rage as i am hardly the angry type, but i do know how to throw a good passionate rave), but i am beginning to channel my thoughts towards more positive endeavors.
And it's getting easier.
I am realizing more and more that I am not a true perfectionist. I love to take risks. I crave adventure and I don't require the approval of other people (Miss Sucky finds that last part a bit of a sticking point). I want to be good, no great, at whatever i do, but i don't mind making mistakes. I've gone from someone who was afraid to make mistakes to someone who embraces them. After all, you can't undo the past. No matter how much i long for that modified 1981 DeLorean DMC-12, I can't go back. I can't change or erase it and really, why would i want to? My past, littered with mistakes and some questionable decisions is a part of the woman I am today. Every thing that happens in our life is an opportunity to realize our potential. It's just so often we are too busy beating ourselves up or looking back with such regrets that we forget to acknowledge that we actually just might be a better person for the experience. And yes, even when the experience is down right, god-damn awful and hideous and seems that nothing good could possibly ever emerge from the ashes. Life happens. It's good, it's painful, it's fluid, it's ever changing and so are we. We just might not be aware of it- or aware if the experiences shape us for good or not so good.
Every moment is an opportunity- to learn about yourself, to change if necessary and to come to an acceptance of who others are. In life we can either be a ray of light or a thundercloud. A Tigger or Eyeore. We can influence other peoples attitudes and reactions. So I have been putting into practice the art of empathy. I work in a call center, and to be honest, it's a pretty thankless job. There is a lot of pressure and the calls are never ending. Call centers are the last frontier for bullies, so most days you'll get at least one caller who is obnoxious, rude and just grates you up the wrong way so much that you wish you could reach down the phone line and strangle them with their own cord. They can be abusive, aggressive and on the attack. Now I am a sweet pea. But I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. Firstly, I don't get paid enough to be verbally assaulted and secondly, I would never speak to another person in the manner that some people let rip. So I am usually very firm in my handling of such customers. But I also choose not to take it personally. They are not mad at me- I am just in the firing line. I don't know what else is going on in their lives, but I am certain that the reason for their call is just one in a long line of other stresses.
Often when you take yourself out of the equation, you can actually turn the situation into a positive experience. I was telling one of the most important and vital people in my life about a particularly hard day I had recently had and he said to me "Do you think your customers were giving you love or needing some?" And i instantly understood what he meant. The customers were certainly not giving any love to me but I could choose to "give love" to them. It's a motto that applies to any human being we encounter and in any situation . Sometimes people just need a little extra love heading their way. So, as a result, I have been extra sunshiny, I have been giving the 'love' that i would like to get, the love I freely give to my friends and family and co workers and applying that to my calls. I kind of authentically did it anyway, but now, I am consciously striving to give that love even in the most trying of circumstances.
It's a daily workout, but it's already becoming a habit. Within my own self, my energy levels have improved, my sense of self and worth and joy has shattered the Richter scale. And my attitude is much better: Not so many homicidal thoughts building up :P
I have learnt that while I can't control people's behavior, I can certainly control my own. And just maybe, affect change for the better in another person's life. Cause life isn't about what you have, or don't. It's not about where you work or how fit you are or how many people you date. It's about the connections you make and the opportunities you take to be a better you and help create a better world. Cause we are all in this together folks.
The year has been a mixed bag for me. I have loved, lost, and loved again. I've struggled to make sense of my place in the world and determined to press on, ever upward, always forward. I have made friends in unexpected places and lost friendships unexpectedly. I've both loved and hated my job; most of the time simultaneously! My health has taken a few hits and so has my wallet. It's been a year of growth and challenges and change and chances.
I used to think of myself as a perfectionist. I like to be the best I can be, to give my all, to shine. But I've been percolating an idea floating around in my head: That life isn't about perfection. And if you go about trying to achieve only perfection, you can miss a lot. It's all the little imperfections of my year that have added flavor to it. Miss Awesome is recognizing all the opportunities that life has offered up. Sometimes, Miss Sucky hasn't been quick to recognize them as such. She has labeled them maliciously and bemoaned her fate at times. Miss Awesome is looking back in sheer amazement at the many gifts that life has bestowed her. I have been inundated with a bevy of people who love me; truly love me; even my oddball antics, my over the top dramatic flair, my zest for life and my unabashed shame at trying to squeeze the joy out of every drop, every moment. Now, I am not saying that i always succeed. Cause sometimes Miss Sucky walks in and throws a pity party or itty bitty rage fest (not really rage as i am hardly the angry type, but i do know how to throw a good passionate rave), but i am beginning to channel my thoughts towards more positive endeavors.
And it's getting easier.
I am realizing more and more that I am not a true perfectionist. I love to take risks. I crave adventure and I don't require the approval of other people (Miss Sucky finds that last part a bit of a sticking point). I want to be good, no great, at whatever i do, but i don't mind making mistakes. I've gone from someone who was afraid to make mistakes to someone who embraces them. After all, you can't undo the past. No matter how much i long for that modified 1981 DeLorean DMC-12, I can't go back. I can't change or erase it and really, why would i want to? My past, littered with mistakes and some questionable decisions is a part of the woman I am today. Every thing that happens in our life is an opportunity to realize our potential. It's just so often we are too busy beating ourselves up or looking back with such regrets that we forget to acknowledge that we actually just might be a better person for the experience. And yes, even when the experience is down right, god-damn awful and hideous and seems that nothing good could possibly ever emerge from the ashes. Life happens. It's good, it's painful, it's fluid, it's ever changing and so are we. We just might not be aware of it- or aware if the experiences shape us for good or not so good.
Every moment is an opportunity- to learn about yourself, to change if necessary and to come to an acceptance of who others are. In life we can either be a ray of light or a thundercloud. A Tigger or Eyeore. We can influence other peoples attitudes and reactions. So I have been putting into practice the art of empathy. I work in a call center, and to be honest, it's a pretty thankless job. There is a lot of pressure and the calls are never ending. Call centers are the last frontier for bullies, so most days you'll get at least one caller who is obnoxious, rude and just grates you up the wrong way so much that you wish you could reach down the phone line and strangle them with their own cord. They can be abusive, aggressive and on the attack. Now I am a sweet pea. But I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. Firstly, I don't get paid enough to be verbally assaulted and secondly, I would never speak to another person in the manner that some people let rip. So I am usually very firm in my handling of such customers. But I also choose not to take it personally. They are not mad at me- I am just in the firing line. I don't know what else is going on in their lives, but I am certain that the reason for their call is just one in a long line of other stresses.
Often when you take yourself out of the equation, you can actually turn the situation into a positive experience. I was telling one of the most important and vital people in my life about a particularly hard day I had recently had and he said to me "Do you think your customers were giving you love or needing some?" And i instantly understood what he meant. The customers were certainly not giving any love to me but I could choose to "give love" to them. It's a motto that applies to any human being we encounter and in any situation . Sometimes people just need a little extra love heading their way. So, as a result, I have been extra sunshiny, I have been giving the 'love' that i would like to get, the love I freely give to my friends and family and co workers and applying that to my calls. I kind of authentically did it anyway, but now, I am consciously striving to give that love even in the most trying of circumstances.
It's a daily workout, but it's already becoming a habit. Within my own self, my energy levels have improved, my sense of self and worth and joy has shattered the Richter scale. And my attitude is much better: Not so many homicidal thoughts building up :P
I have learnt that while I can't control people's behavior, I can certainly control my own. And just maybe, affect change for the better in another person's life. Cause life isn't about what you have, or don't. It's not about where you work or how fit you are or how many people you date. It's about the connections you make and the opportunities you take to be a better you and help create a better world. Cause we are all in this together folks.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Surviving Betrayal
I've decided that one of my best attributes is also one of my lousiest faults. I believe in the goodness of people. Personally, I blame this on fairy tales with their "happy ever after" premise which obviously left more of an impression on me than the other ugly truths rampant in such stories. I seek out the good, believe the best, and search for the great that lies within. Such a sucker.
So it should come as no surprise that from time to time I meet people in my life who don't live up to the potential we are all capable of. These moments can literal make a sensitive wee soul such as myself wish to fade away into an endless sea of hurt and hopelessness. I get damaged each and every time and yet somehow, I find the strength to pick myself off the floor and still believe. I am not sure whether this innate belief is a positive personality trait or whether it is the signs of a sad and delusional gal. Miss Awesome, of course, would claim that it takes a strong person to have courage in the spite of the reality of dealing with another human being. Miss Sucky almost chokes to death on her coffee at Miss Awesome's naivety.
So what makes one person pack up their emotions and bundle them away, and another, like me, who time and again open themselves up to an emotional roller coaster (or train wreak!) I ask this because I am curious as to how people can bottle their emotions and close that part of themselves off. More importantly, does it really work for the long term? What are the effects? Are we really better off not feeling anything at all? And how can one even possibly do that? It boggles my mind because even in the midst of my greatest hurt (and they are always the greatest hurt at the time of acute suffering) I just cannot seem to will myself to harden up. Truthfully, I guess I'm willing to embrace the pain. Maybe that makes me a fool as Miss Sucky would like to suppose. But I genuinely think I can be a better person for it. And I don't want to stop being open and available to the possibility that the good in each of us can always overcome the inadequacies we all feel inside.
I'm rambling. I meant to talk about the betrayal of 'false' friends. We've all been there. Perhaps, we have even been a false friend ourselves, even unwittingly. Pause for contemplation.
I wonder, as I suffer through the latest series of betrayals and tears, if my wounds are merely self inflicted.Do I feel betrayed by the other party or by myself? It's a little bit of both. Did I suppose that person to be a truer friend than they were? Clearly. But how did I let that happen? How did I not read the signs and understand all of them pointed to "the end" ? Why do I keep recycling and repeating the same behavior and can I make it stop? Can I break this habitual motion of love and loss and the impending downward sway of insignificance and self doubt? Miss Sucky believes that I will die alone and lonely, brokenhearted and emotion spent with nothing but the mocking voices of my insecurities to ring in my ears. She's a bit of a bitch really, this Miss Sucky. She is the worst of me at my worst and lowest point. She is the hidden fear that I have to constantly push down, avoid, suffocate. And sometimes she is all consuming.
Here is the truth, well my truth, as I see it. Yes, I need to "wise up" a little more and not so willingly embrace everyone I meet. I can't fix everyone. I won't be appreciated by some or even most of the people that traverse my life's path. I will be undervalued, misunderstood, misrepresented, used, abused, left, lied to, wounded, ignored, betrayed. I will suffer. I will suffer for it is part of the human condition. As long as I hold onto my humanity and all the little things that make me me, then I will continue to feel the agony of such matters. But here is a deeper truth. I will be appreciated by some, maybe even adored and loved. I will be admired, I may even inspire, and I will be considered with kindness by those who are part of my life not because of what they can get but also by what they can give. So it is those people that make the possibility of pain worth it. False friends will come and go. Some friendships are but for a season, and can be an invaluable lesson.
I choose to stand up with grace and press forward. I will not look back, I will not be deterred. I will embrace the pain as part of my story and wear the scars as a reminder that I am a survivor and that it is not weakness to be true to me. I wear my scars proudly because at least they show I give a damn. I am not content to curl up and admit defeat. I will live as though this is all I have. Cause it's all I've got.
I have the strength to bear up and surge forward and hope again. That is my caliber. It is my gift. And sucker or not, I choose to see it as a gift and not a curse.
So it should come as no surprise that from time to time I meet people in my life who don't live up to the potential we are all capable of. These moments can literal make a sensitive wee soul such as myself wish to fade away into an endless sea of hurt and hopelessness. I get damaged each and every time and yet somehow, I find the strength to pick myself off the floor and still believe. I am not sure whether this innate belief is a positive personality trait or whether it is the signs of a sad and delusional gal. Miss Awesome, of course, would claim that it takes a strong person to have courage in the spite of the reality of dealing with another human being. Miss Sucky almost chokes to death on her coffee at Miss Awesome's naivety.
So what makes one person pack up their emotions and bundle them away, and another, like me, who time and again open themselves up to an emotional roller coaster (or train wreak!) I ask this because I am curious as to how people can bottle their emotions and close that part of themselves off. More importantly, does it really work for the long term? What are the effects? Are we really better off not feeling anything at all? And how can one even possibly do that? It boggles my mind because even in the midst of my greatest hurt (and they are always the greatest hurt at the time of acute suffering) I just cannot seem to will myself to harden up. Truthfully, I guess I'm willing to embrace the pain. Maybe that makes me a fool as Miss Sucky would like to suppose. But I genuinely think I can be a better person for it. And I don't want to stop being open and available to the possibility that the good in each of us can always overcome the inadequacies we all feel inside.
I'm rambling. I meant to talk about the betrayal of 'false' friends. We've all been there. Perhaps, we have even been a false friend ourselves, even unwittingly. Pause for contemplation.
I wonder, as I suffer through the latest series of betrayals and tears, if my wounds are merely self inflicted.Do I feel betrayed by the other party or by myself? It's a little bit of both. Did I suppose that person to be a truer friend than they were? Clearly. But how did I let that happen? How did I not read the signs and understand all of them pointed to "the end" ? Why do I keep recycling and repeating the same behavior and can I make it stop? Can I break this habitual motion of love and loss and the impending downward sway of insignificance and self doubt? Miss Sucky believes that I will die alone and lonely, brokenhearted and emotion spent with nothing but the mocking voices of my insecurities to ring in my ears. She's a bit of a bitch really, this Miss Sucky. She is the worst of me at my worst and lowest point. She is the hidden fear that I have to constantly push down, avoid, suffocate. And sometimes she is all consuming.
Here is the truth, well my truth, as I see it. Yes, I need to "wise up" a little more and not so willingly embrace everyone I meet. I can't fix everyone. I won't be appreciated by some or even most of the people that traverse my life's path. I will be undervalued, misunderstood, misrepresented, used, abused, left, lied to, wounded, ignored, betrayed. I will suffer. I will suffer for it is part of the human condition. As long as I hold onto my humanity and all the little things that make me me, then I will continue to feel the agony of such matters. But here is a deeper truth. I will be appreciated by some, maybe even adored and loved. I will be admired, I may even inspire, and I will be considered with kindness by those who are part of my life not because of what they can get but also by what they can give. So it is those people that make the possibility of pain worth it. False friends will come and go. Some friendships are but for a season, and can be an invaluable lesson.
I choose to stand up with grace and press forward. I will not look back, I will not be deterred. I will embrace the pain as part of my story and wear the scars as a reminder that I am a survivor and that it is not weakness to be true to me. I wear my scars proudly because at least they show I give a damn. I am not content to curl up and admit defeat. I will live as though this is all I have. Cause it's all I've got.
I have the strength to bear up and surge forward and hope again. That is my caliber. It is my gift. And sucker or not, I choose to see it as a gift and not a curse.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Plan
Things aren't necessarily going according to plan. But I console myself with the knowledge, that at least, I have a plan in place, which is a good starting point. This whole 'plan' business is quite a stretch for someone like me- I'm unstructured, people rather than goal orientated, and easily distracted by bright and shining new objects. I have plans, dreams, goals...it's just that I haven't really known how to go about successfully pursuing those things. I like to think that I am a woman of action, and sometimes that is exactly what I am. Except when I am not. It could just be my wishful thinking here, (cause let's face it, I am secretly hoping that everyone's life is just as screwed up as mine!) but I think most people will be able to identify with me a little. Of course it's highly possible that I am indeed the ONLY person who does not have my entire life all together in perfect harmony...but I know people, and quite frankly we all suck sometimes and it's that knowledge that gives me hope that I am not the only person to feel like they are faltering on the runway to their success.
"Alright," you say, "Are you actually going to get to a point Miss Blonde? Or are you just going to ramble along incessantly, creating some of the world's longest, jimble, jumble of sentences along the way?"
I guess my point is this: I've spent a lifetime avoiding making a "plan" because I saw it as an enemy to my success. Actually, the only enemy to my success has been ME and my unwillingness to stretch forth my hands, to step out and present to the world who I am and all that I can be. Have you ever done that? Acted small and insignificant cause you mistakenly thought you were? Have you stopped yourself from going places (and I don't mean by car, train or other modes of transportation) or taken yourself out of the running by not even getting involved in the first place? I've done that more times than I am probably aware. I have been content to wallow in my dreams rather than chase them.
The past year has been a huge learning curve for me. It's been full of small successes and some great pains. I've taken steps forward and then fallen back. But that is life. It's fluid. It's full of moments of greatness intermingled with agony. One day can be nothing but sunshine and glee, the next, a darkened room full of haze and mirrors.
I've been learning to make a plan...not just a general wanting, but an actual plan that will yield results. Some days the plan works in my favor, and other times it feels like a big waste of space and effort. At the moment, some things are not going according to plan. But then most of those things are the expectations and "plans" other people think i should have. And that's the other thing I am working on- trying to stop focusing on what other people anticipate my life should be. I'm focused on what I really want and working out ways to make that happen. It's scary, let me tell you. But I think that life should be a little scary. I think when we stop challenging ourselves, stop putting ourselves out there, stop learning and growing and moving forward, we become stagnant. This to me is a fate worse than death. In fact, kill me, please, if I reduce myself to nothing more than being complacent. That's not part of the plan. And while its in slow motion at the moment, I know that at least I am on my way. And maybe, if I can truly learn to stop fighting myself, I might actually get there; to the end of this plan. Just in time to start a new one all over again.
"Alright," you say, "Are you actually going to get to a point Miss Blonde? Or are you just going to ramble along incessantly, creating some of the world's longest, jimble, jumble of sentences along the way?"
I guess my point is this: I've spent a lifetime avoiding making a "plan" because I saw it as an enemy to my success. Actually, the only enemy to my success has been ME and my unwillingness to stretch forth my hands, to step out and present to the world who I am and all that I can be. Have you ever done that? Acted small and insignificant cause you mistakenly thought you were? Have you stopped yourself from going places (and I don't mean by car, train or other modes of transportation) or taken yourself out of the running by not even getting involved in the first place? I've done that more times than I am probably aware. I have been content to wallow in my dreams rather than chase them.
The past year has been a huge learning curve for me. It's been full of small successes and some great pains. I've taken steps forward and then fallen back. But that is life. It's fluid. It's full of moments of greatness intermingled with agony. One day can be nothing but sunshine and glee, the next, a darkened room full of haze and mirrors.
I've been learning to make a plan...not just a general wanting, but an actual plan that will yield results. Some days the plan works in my favor, and other times it feels like a big waste of space and effort. At the moment, some things are not going according to plan. But then most of those things are the expectations and "plans" other people think i should have. And that's the other thing I am working on- trying to stop focusing on what other people anticipate my life should be. I'm focused on what I really want and working out ways to make that happen. It's scary, let me tell you. But I think that life should be a little scary. I think when we stop challenging ourselves, stop putting ourselves out there, stop learning and growing and moving forward, we become stagnant. This to me is a fate worse than death. In fact, kill me, please, if I reduce myself to nothing more than being complacent. That's not part of the plan. And while its in slow motion at the moment, I know that at least I am on my way. And maybe, if I can truly learn to stop fighting myself, I might actually get there; to the end of this plan. Just in time to start a new one all over again.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Pick your investments
I've spent years investing into other people's lives. I've given time, money, ideas, my heart and humor. I've invested but my returns have been minimal for the most part. In fact, in many cases, I've become bankrupt. My spirit, my soul, my heart have become destitute by my overwhelming support and sowing into others lives. Now I'm not saying that all my investments have been bad- but many have come at the expense of my own self. There is little point in investing in others if you are not investing in your own life. And there is no point in investing in something that gives you nothing in return. I've been looking over my life in the past few weeks and I have come to realize that I need to stop sending myself bankrupt. I need to make wiser investments. I need to invest in the one person who won't let me down. Who won't use and abuse my generosity, my kind nature or my sincere willingness to leave an indelible mark in someone's life. This year, I'm investing in me.
I should have done it years ago. Perhaps if I had, I'd be living the life I've always wanted to live. Perhaps if I had just given more regard for myself instead of playing martyr and trying to be all things to all people, I would have made greater leaps and bounds then where I am now. But that is just conjecture. Everything happens for a reason and in the right time. Maybe all the things that have led me to this point are the very things required to get me where I need to be. Now is the time. I am ready. Ready to move forward, to focus, to chase down dreams and not let anyone or anything (especially myself) get in my way.
It's time to shake off the shackles that tell me that anything I do for myself is pure selfishness. I regard selfishness as one of the most ugly characteristics one can be lumbered with. I hate selfish people and it disturbs me to think that I might be perceived that way. But I've taken being selfless to the point of ridiculousness. Honestly, my selflessness could have me working a full time job as a doormat. So I'm drawing a line and staking my claim. This gal will no longer be a doormat or sounding board or heartbreak hotel. No more will I allow myself to pick up all the pieces, unpack the baggage or clear the garbage. I'll still invest in people, but I'll be smarter about it. Some relationships I've formed will have to go. The ones that take but never give. The ones that leave me drained, tear strained and short changed.
I hope that as you read this, you will consider the investments of your own life. Are they worth it? Are they a resource or a drain on your capital? If you are investing in someone who is equally investing in you, hold on tight. But if you are the one doing all the work, then maybe it's worth a second look. Alternatively, you might be someone who needs to start investing in others. It's all about balance. A life full of joy and peace is one that gives AND receives and knows when to hold back for themselves. We can't invest in anyone else when our own well is dry. This is my year, your year, our year to make our investments work for us...and there is no better place to start then from within.
I should have done it years ago. Perhaps if I had, I'd be living the life I've always wanted to live. Perhaps if I had just given more regard for myself instead of playing martyr and trying to be all things to all people, I would have made greater leaps and bounds then where I am now. But that is just conjecture. Everything happens for a reason and in the right time. Maybe all the things that have led me to this point are the very things required to get me where I need to be. Now is the time. I am ready. Ready to move forward, to focus, to chase down dreams and not let anyone or anything (especially myself) get in my way.
It's time to shake off the shackles that tell me that anything I do for myself is pure selfishness. I regard selfishness as one of the most ugly characteristics one can be lumbered with. I hate selfish people and it disturbs me to think that I might be perceived that way. But I've taken being selfless to the point of ridiculousness. Honestly, my selflessness could have me working a full time job as a doormat. So I'm drawing a line and staking my claim. This gal will no longer be a doormat or sounding board or heartbreak hotel. No more will I allow myself to pick up all the pieces, unpack the baggage or clear the garbage. I'll still invest in people, but I'll be smarter about it. Some relationships I've formed will have to go. The ones that take but never give. The ones that leave me drained, tear strained and short changed.
I hope that as you read this, you will consider the investments of your own life. Are they worth it? Are they a resource or a drain on your capital? If you are investing in someone who is equally investing in you, hold on tight. But if you are the one doing all the work, then maybe it's worth a second look. Alternatively, you might be someone who needs to start investing in others. It's all about balance. A life full of joy and peace is one that gives AND receives and knows when to hold back for themselves. We can't invest in anyone else when our own well is dry. This is my year, your year, our year to make our investments work for us...and there is no better place to start then from within.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A New Year has Sprung
Happy New Year. It's a standard greeting we say leading up and at the turn of a new year. But are we selling ourselves a false promise? What makes us believe that this year will be happy? Will it be better or even any different from the one that came before? So often we go through our daily motions, living according to a roster or patterns or other people's demands on our time and not really taking time to make a moment count. Then, we come to the end of a year and suddenly our focus is on all the things we didn't quite do or how we are going to implement a new life choice into our already somewhat overcrowded existence. Along with the turn of another year is the countdown for all the promises we make to ourselves. Things we plan to do better, changes we plan to instigate, resolutions we plan to stick with. It's a whole new world and a whole new clean slate. We fool ourselves into thinking that "this will be THE year that everything changes." But nothing changes if we don't.
New Year Resolutions often fail because we don't ensure they succeed. We expect that thinking about something will be enough. It isn't. We can't create a world we want by just thinking about it. Dreams and imagination are vital to us all. Without them, we surely perish. But a life built in dreams cannot sustain us. If you want something to change in your life, it isn't enough to just think about it. Of even just talk about it (Or write about it for that matter.) Our life changes because (and when) WE make changes. Change comes from DOING; not from lip service. We all know at least one person who talks a big talk, but doesn't back up what they say with action (We are often guilty of that crime ourselves.) Words, strung together into a coherent sentence can be beguiling. I am a writer. Words are my passion, but words are easily spoken, and easily broken. There is an expression about "A man is his word." Reality is, is that a man is his deed. Words mean nothing if that is all they remain and never bear fruit.
Looking back over the past year, I can see the progresses I've made, along with the ruts I've stayed stuck in. I've changed in many ways, but I have a long road ahead. This year will no doubt bring new challenges, fresh heartbreak, renewed friendships and salvaged dreams. It can be whatever I make of it. Some things will fall outside of my control. But I have control over many of the things that will crop up in the coming days, months and year ahead. So here is one of my resolutions for the coming year- I resolve to do more and think less. This is a big challenge for me because I am very much a thinker. I spend a lot of time lost in the avenues of my mind. As a writer, my thinking is action put to paper. But this year, I want to be a person, not just of thought, but of deed. I want to follow through on some of my ideas, my hopes and dreams and ambitions. I want to do, not just be. So you bear witness to this resolution. The proof will be in the doing, not just in merely a current thought shared here. Here's to a new year filled with opportunities, challenges and change.
New Year Resolutions often fail because we don't ensure they succeed. We expect that thinking about something will be enough. It isn't. We can't create a world we want by just thinking about it. Dreams and imagination are vital to us all. Without them, we surely perish. But a life built in dreams cannot sustain us. If you want something to change in your life, it isn't enough to just think about it. Of even just talk about it (Or write about it for that matter.) Our life changes because (and when) WE make changes. Change comes from DOING; not from lip service. We all know at least one person who talks a big talk, but doesn't back up what they say with action (We are often guilty of that crime ourselves.) Words, strung together into a coherent sentence can be beguiling. I am a writer. Words are my passion, but words are easily spoken, and easily broken. There is an expression about "A man is his word." Reality is, is that a man is his deed. Words mean nothing if that is all they remain and never bear fruit.
Looking back over the past year, I can see the progresses I've made, along with the ruts I've stayed stuck in. I've changed in many ways, but I have a long road ahead. This year will no doubt bring new challenges, fresh heartbreak, renewed friendships and salvaged dreams. It can be whatever I make of it. Some things will fall outside of my control. But I have control over many of the things that will crop up in the coming days, months and year ahead. So here is one of my resolutions for the coming year- I resolve to do more and think less. This is a big challenge for me because I am very much a thinker. I spend a lot of time lost in the avenues of my mind. As a writer, my thinking is action put to paper. But this year, I want to be a person, not just of thought, but of deed. I want to follow through on some of my ideas, my hopes and dreams and ambitions. I want to do, not just be. So you bear witness to this resolution. The proof will be in the doing, not just in merely a current thought shared here. Here's to a new year filled with opportunities, challenges and change.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011 reflections
It’s been an up and down year for me. I made a best friend and lost a best friend. I fell in and out of love. I moved homes, and switched jobs. I have had moments of suffering and experienced a multitude of joys.
I have lived.
In many ways, as I sit here and write this on the last day of my year, I feel like I have taken more steps back then forward. But this is not the truth. Life is a series of falls and rises. Some of them are big and alter our lives in profound ways. Some of them are small and seemingly inconsequential. But all our falls are opportunities to rise, having grown and hopefully bettered ourselves.
I am in the middle of a fall at present. From Miss Sucky’s perspective, my whole world is crumbling around me and melting into an abyss of nothingness. Miss Awesome knows better. What seems like a never ending merry –go-round of pain and agony is in actuality only temporal. This too shall pass. I can and will pick myself up from the ashes and rise again. And instead of fighting it, I have decided to embrace this fall. I know that even in my hurt, my brokenness and my disillusionment, that my life still is something beautiful and worth fighting for.
I’ve had moments recently when Miss Sucky has swept in with her pessimistic attitude and laid out a pretty convincing reason or two to give up. But I am not Miss Sucky. I am Miss Awesome, and even in this pit of despair, that is my truth. So I look back over the year with mixed feelings but no regrets. I am glad that I am so capable of loving. That I am willing to be in touch with my emotions and give them room. So many people allow their past hurts to stay with them. They carry them forward into the next chapters of their lives and allow those hurts to tarnish all that they touch.
It is my mission to not let all my pain color and distort my future. Bad things befall us all. Life is hard. It hurts. Sometimes we take a sucker punch to the jaw. But we must find a way to move beyond the pieces. I refuse to allow my past and current hurts to dictate my coming year. Instead, I look forward to 2012. May it be a year of growth. May I fall and rise again and again. I welcome its breath on my face. I anticipate that, like previous years, 2012 will be one of highs and lows. I have learnt so much this past year. Most of this learning has come from the fires of suffering. But I am a better, stronger and healthier person for those experiences. Miss Sucky may tremble at the thought of another oncoming year, but Miss Awesome raises up her hands and shouts “Here I am!” So thank you 2011, for all that has been. And Welcome 2012…. May this year be as rich and chaotic and challenging and wonderful as those that have come before.
I have lived.
In many ways, as I sit here and write this on the last day of my year, I feel like I have taken more steps back then forward. But this is not the truth. Life is a series of falls and rises. Some of them are big and alter our lives in profound ways. Some of them are small and seemingly inconsequential. But all our falls are opportunities to rise, having grown and hopefully bettered ourselves.
I am in the middle of a fall at present. From Miss Sucky’s perspective, my whole world is crumbling around me and melting into an abyss of nothingness. Miss Awesome knows better. What seems like a never ending merry –go-round of pain and agony is in actuality only temporal. This too shall pass. I can and will pick myself up from the ashes and rise again. And instead of fighting it, I have decided to embrace this fall. I know that even in my hurt, my brokenness and my disillusionment, that my life still is something beautiful and worth fighting for.
I’ve had moments recently when Miss Sucky has swept in with her pessimistic attitude and laid out a pretty convincing reason or two to give up. But I am not Miss Sucky. I am Miss Awesome, and even in this pit of despair, that is my truth. So I look back over the year with mixed feelings but no regrets. I am glad that I am so capable of loving. That I am willing to be in touch with my emotions and give them room. So many people allow their past hurts to stay with them. They carry them forward into the next chapters of their lives and allow those hurts to tarnish all that they touch.
It is my mission to not let all my pain color and distort my future. Bad things befall us all. Life is hard. It hurts. Sometimes we take a sucker punch to the jaw. But we must find a way to move beyond the pieces. I refuse to allow my past and current hurts to dictate my coming year. Instead, I look forward to 2012. May it be a year of growth. May I fall and rise again and again. I welcome its breath on my face. I anticipate that, like previous years, 2012 will be one of highs and lows. I have learnt so much this past year. Most of this learning has come from the fires of suffering. But I am a better, stronger and healthier person for those experiences. Miss Sucky may tremble at the thought of another oncoming year, but Miss Awesome raises up her hands and shouts “Here I am!” So thank you 2011, for all that has been. And Welcome 2012…. May this year be as rich and chaotic and challenging and wonderful as those that have come before.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
What a Girl Wants
What do I really want?
It's a question I've been asking myself for a while now. Truthfully, this post is probably a little too personal for comfort. But this blog is about my life and this is the "Year of the Sally," so personal is what I need to be right now. Actually, honest is what I need to be right now.
I've lost my way. Somewhere between the need to be true to myself, I've found that I've been covering up who I am. Why? Mostly because I've let my self doubt invade my mind and step all over my dreams.And it's not just my self doubt, fear and insecurity that's been having a field day inwardly. It's other people. I'm an emotional being. I feel strongly, deeply and openly. This is a great attribute, but sometimes it can lead me down paths that should not be forged or traversed. People will step all over people like me. I'm kind, generous, forgiving, honest, sincere and, as time proves over and over again, easily taken advantage of. So what does someone like me do to maintain those attributes which are so precious and rare without being a stomping ground for broken and burdened people? I haven't quite found the answer to that yet.
Some of my friends suggest I harden up. But I don't think that is necessarily the answer. The world is full of hardened people. It's easier to build gates and walls and block the entrance ways to your heart and head. It's simpler to set yourself in a fortress where no stones or sticks or people can reach you. I don't want to build walls around my life to be easier or simpler just in order to "harden" up. Humanity needs people like me- big old softies with compassion and empathy and a willingness to love freely and without judgment. We are a rare breed and everyday we risk extinction by being willing to put ourselves out there. So I'm fighting for my survival. I'm fighting to stay true to who i am. But, and there is a but, I need to learn how to still be me and not just a doormat.
This is gonna be difficult. Maybe even impossible.
We are broken people. Every single person on this planet has been broken somewhere along the way. Some of these breaks are teeny tiny, invisible to the naked eye. Some breaks are so massive they are like a gaping vortex of destruction- sucking along everyone and everything in its path. It's OK to be broken- it is a part of being human. What's not OK is to use your brokenness as an excuse to hurt and destroy others.
So what do I want? Really, truly want? The answer lies within. It has always been there- etched in my soul. It's time that I fought for it. For myself. It's time I stood up and chased the dream, the desire, the insatiable need to expand my horizons and fulfill my purpose. It's time that this girl stopped focusing on others to the detriment of her own hopes and dreams. I love people. I am excited and passionate about helping others be all they can be. It's about time that I took that same enthusiasm and drive for others and applied it to myself. It's long overdue.
It's a question I've been asking myself for a while now. Truthfully, this post is probably a little too personal for comfort. But this blog is about my life and this is the "Year of the Sally," so personal is what I need to be right now. Actually, honest is what I need to be right now.
I've lost my way. Somewhere between the need to be true to myself, I've found that I've been covering up who I am. Why? Mostly because I've let my self doubt invade my mind and step all over my dreams.And it's not just my self doubt, fear and insecurity that's been having a field day inwardly. It's other people. I'm an emotional being. I feel strongly, deeply and openly. This is a great attribute, but sometimes it can lead me down paths that should not be forged or traversed. People will step all over people like me. I'm kind, generous, forgiving, honest, sincere and, as time proves over and over again, easily taken advantage of. So what does someone like me do to maintain those attributes which are so precious and rare without being a stomping ground for broken and burdened people? I haven't quite found the answer to that yet.
Some of my friends suggest I harden up. But I don't think that is necessarily the answer. The world is full of hardened people. It's easier to build gates and walls and block the entrance ways to your heart and head. It's simpler to set yourself in a fortress where no stones or sticks or people can reach you. I don't want to build walls around my life to be easier or simpler just in order to "harden" up. Humanity needs people like me- big old softies with compassion and empathy and a willingness to love freely and without judgment. We are a rare breed and everyday we risk extinction by being willing to put ourselves out there. So I'm fighting for my survival. I'm fighting to stay true to who i am. But, and there is a but, I need to learn how to still be me and not just a doormat.
This is gonna be difficult. Maybe even impossible.
We are broken people. Every single person on this planet has been broken somewhere along the way. Some of these breaks are teeny tiny, invisible to the naked eye. Some breaks are so massive they are like a gaping vortex of destruction- sucking along everyone and everything in its path. It's OK to be broken- it is a part of being human. What's not OK is to use your brokenness as an excuse to hurt and destroy others.
So what do I want? Really, truly want? The answer lies within. It has always been there- etched in my soul. It's time that I fought for it. For myself. It's time I stood up and chased the dream, the desire, the insatiable need to expand my horizons and fulfill my purpose. It's time that this girl stopped focusing on others to the detriment of her own hopes and dreams. I love people. I am excited and passionate about helping others be all they can be. It's about time that I took that same enthusiasm and drive for others and applied it to myself. It's long overdue.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Dad
Eleven years ago, my life was irrevocably changed. The world and what I knew of it ceased to exist. Time has ticked away, as it has always done, moving moments and years between the day my whole world imploded and now. I am not the girl I was before October 9th 2000. I am more jaded, more honest, more grateful.
Death changes you. It challenges us to take stock of our lives. My Father's passing was the single most traumatic and hideous experience of my life. Worse than anything else that can be imagined is losing someone you love so much. When death touches us, as it inevitably does, it forces us to face our own mortality and that of those we love. In a weird way it is the gift death offers us. As I sit here, thinking about the man I was blessed to call dad I can't help but wonder what might have been had he lived. Where would my life have gone had I had my dad to lean on? Would I have married? Had children? Pushed harder for my career? Would I have the relationship I share now with my mother and siblings?
Losing my father forced me to grow up. It forces me now, to hold dear this precious gift I've been given. Life is short. We should make it count. So today, as I contemplate my fathers life and my loss, I pledge following:
I promise to always remember that life is what you make of it. Hard times will come and go. Pain will wrap itself around me. Despair will roll in like a thunderstorm on a cloudy day. But life is a privilege and joy. And those tough times add depth and beauty to who I am.
I promise to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me. My father never let a day go by without telling and showing me he loved me. I strive to do the same for my friends and family.
I promise that even when I feel down and out...I won't give up or give in. I will hold onto the truth that I am Miss Awesome and life is beautiful.
I promise to take my life and make something of it...in whatever way i can. And be of service and comfort to others.
I was a lucky girl. My father was an amazing man. Here I am eleven years on, and time has only solidified what I remember of my father. He was generous, kind, intelligent and witty. He had an infectious laugh,and such a mischievous sparkle in his blue eyes. He was compassionate and always went above and beyond to help and support others. He was gentle and strong and I never once doubted my fathers love. I only hope that I can be a true reflection of my father and that coupled with my own talents, ideas and personality traits, I can be a woman who makes a difference. And make my father proud.
Love you Daddy
Death changes you. It challenges us to take stock of our lives. My Father's passing was the single most traumatic and hideous experience of my life. Worse than anything else that can be imagined is losing someone you love so much. When death touches us, as it inevitably does, it forces us to face our own mortality and that of those we love. In a weird way it is the gift death offers us. As I sit here, thinking about the man I was blessed to call dad I can't help but wonder what might have been had he lived. Where would my life have gone had I had my dad to lean on? Would I have married? Had children? Pushed harder for my career? Would I have the relationship I share now with my mother and siblings?
Losing my father forced me to grow up. It forces me now, to hold dear this precious gift I've been given. Life is short. We should make it count. So today, as I contemplate my fathers life and my loss, I pledge following:
I promise to always remember that life is what you make of it. Hard times will come and go. Pain will wrap itself around me. Despair will roll in like a thunderstorm on a cloudy day. But life is a privilege and joy. And those tough times add depth and beauty to who I am.
I promise to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me. My father never let a day go by without telling and showing me he loved me. I strive to do the same for my friends and family.
I promise that even when I feel down and out...I won't give up or give in. I will hold onto the truth that I am Miss Awesome and life is beautiful.
I promise to take my life and make something of it...in whatever way i can. And be of service and comfort to others.
I was a lucky girl. My father was an amazing man. Here I am eleven years on, and time has only solidified what I remember of my father. He was generous, kind, intelligent and witty. He had an infectious laugh,and such a mischievous sparkle in his blue eyes. He was compassionate and always went above and beyond to help and support others. He was gentle and strong and I never once doubted my fathers love. I only hope that I can be a true reflection of my father and that coupled with my own talents, ideas and personality traits, I can be a woman who makes a difference. And make my father proud.
Love you Daddy
Monday, August 8, 2011
Think, Feel, Do
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do."
John Ruskin
I am a big thinker. I think constantly. I over-analyze. I weigh up all the percentages. I contemplate, I fret, I go round and round in circles until I wear myself out with all this thinking. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE to think! I'm glad that underneath this mass of blonde hair lies grey matter that is vibrant and energetic and full of wonderful thoughts. I'm grateful that I have a brain that gets regularly exercised (more than my body to be honest :/ ) and that it is the source of my creativity, my intelligence and my wit. Let's face it folks- this blog would suck bigger than the gravitational pull of a black hole in space if my brain wasn't at least a little bit awesome :)
But as much as thinking can be your friend...it can also be your foe. We've all had those restless nights where the switch in your brain is broken (or in my case, seems to go on rambling holidays to unknown destinations) and nothing seems to be able to stop the flood of thoughts from swirling around like an ill-gotten vortex. You lie there willing yourself to shut down, or at the very least go on 'standby' so that you can slip into the merciful being we know as unconsciousness. And yet, in spite of yourself, in spite of silent pleas and exasperated sighs and the odd flung pillow, you remain caught up in your thoughts. Like a spider web, and you're the fly.
Thinking thoughts are both blight and balm to existence. We can't live without them- but sometimes it sure would be nice to lock them up in a nice little box and toss aside the keys :)
The quote at the top of this blog got me thinking, ironic I know, about what it means to live. Now I am certainly no Philosopher, but I do agree that its not insomuch what we think or even feel that creates our life, it is in what we do.
Life is about motion. It's about living and doing and being. It's not a spectator sport. It's not a test. It's not lived out in pages or screens or day dreams. Life is happening, here, now. A life with no regrets requires action. Like someone? Tell em! Want something? go after it! It really seems ridiculously simple, but at the heart of it all- life is simply a series of actions. And we all make choices based on thoughts and feelings and being... And doing nothing is as much an action as doing something.
So the lesson Miss Awesome is striving for this week, is to LIVE! To not just be content to wallow in thoughts or get caught up in feelings- but to take the thoughts and feelings and apply them into forward motion. Time to step up and out, and take the risk. After all, what's the worst that can happen? I might fail, I might be rejected and maybe even make a few bad judgement calls along the way...but life is worth the risk and it's all about the doing.
"What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do."
John Ruskin
I am a big thinker. I think constantly. I over-analyze. I weigh up all the percentages. I contemplate, I fret, I go round and round in circles until I wear myself out with all this thinking. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE to think! I'm glad that underneath this mass of blonde hair lies grey matter that is vibrant and energetic and full of wonderful thoughts. I'm grateful that I have a brain that gets regularly exercised (more than my body to be honest :/ ) and that it is the source of my creativity, my intelligence and my wit. Let's face it folks- this blog would suck bigger than the gravitational pull of a black hole in space if my brain wasn't at least a little bit awesome :)
But as much as thinking can be your friend...it can also be your foe. We've all had those restless nights where the switch in your brain is broken (or in my case, seems to go on rambling holidays to unknown destinations) and nothing seems to be able to stop the flood of thoughts from swirling around like an ill-gotten vortex. You lie there willing yourself to shut down, or at the very least go on 'standby' so that you can slip into the merciful being we know as unconsciousness. And yet, in spite of yourself, in spite of silent pleas and exasperated sighs and the odd flung pillow, you remain caught up in your thoughts. Like a spider web, and you're the fly.
Thinking thoughts are both blight and balm to existence. We can't live without them- but sometimes it sure would be nice to lock them up in a nice little box and toss aside the keys :)
The quote at the top of this blog got me thinking, ironic I know, about what it means to live. Now I am certainly no Philosopher, but I do agree that its not insomuch what we think or even feel that creates our life, it is in what we do.
Life is about motion. It's about living and doing and being. It's not a spectator sport. It's not a test. It's not lived out in pages or screens or day dreams. Life is happening, here, now. A life with no regrets requires action. Like someone? Tell em! Want something? go after it! It really seems ridiculously simple, but at the heart of it all- life is simply a series of actions. And we all make choices based on thoughts and feelings and being... And doing nothing is as much an action as doing something.
So the lesson Miss Awesome is striving for this week, is to LIVE! To not just be content to wallow in thoughts or get caught up in feelings- but to take the thoughts and feelings and apply them into forward motion. Time to step up and out, and take the risk. After all, what's the worst that can happen? I might fail, I might be rejected and maybe even make a few bad judgement calls along the way...but life is worth the risk and it's all about the doing.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude
John Lennon was stating the obvious when he said "Life is what happens to us when we are busy making other plans." Life happens whether we are ready or not. And not everything that comes our way is gonna make us happy. Let's face it, sometimes the things that happen to us really suck. But every life experience is an opportunity to learn. Learn about ourselves, about others, about the world and hopefully those lessons, if carefully cultivated, allow us to become the best person we can be.
I believe that every life experience that comes our way, every bump in the road, every blimp on the radar, every hurdle, every rise and every fall or blazed trail, every hit or miss; all of it shapes us. All serves to enrich us. But so often when bad things happen, we are so busy focused on the calamity of the situation that we can't see the good. Bad things happen. Each of us are burdened by sorrows and tragedies. We who live, suffer. We lose loved ones and sometimes even ourselves. Pain etches its name upon our soul. Hearts can be irrevocably broken. Our minds can falter and decay. Anger can stifle the beauty of who we are. And we can let those wounds fester and infect until what once could have been an opportunity for growth and beauty becomes an ugly scar upon our own humanity.
I've been thinking a lot about attitude lately. I don't always have the best attitude. I can be surly and rude. I can be condescending and obnoxious. To put it bluntly; I can be a real bitch. But I take some comfort in knowing that this applies to everyone else in existence too. I'm not alone in my wretchedness!
We can often let our attitude be the focus of our corresponding behavior. I HATE working on beautiful days because it sucks to be stuck in doors. Miss Sucky will bemoan the fact. She resents being tethered to a desk and telephone cord and glued to a computer screen. This can make for a grumpy Sally - and that ain't a good thing for anybody! Miss Awesome, however, appreciates that she at least has a window from which to gaze upon a day full of blue shies and sunshine. She appreciates that she has a job which provides her an income and therefore a home she loves and a lifestyle that she can enjoy. I am blessed.
Sometimes it is hard for us to recognize our blessings. Sometimes, we feel like we have to go searching for them. Yet most of the time they are right there in front of us, if we would but choose to see them. It's time to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. This doesn't mean that i can't have moments where I am Miss Sucky- but it should mean those moments become fewer and shorter! It's time to focus on all that is right and good and wonderful in my life, rather than invest energy in what is not. Life can get in the way of recognizing all our good. We can get in the way of recognizing all our good. So the lesson I am trying to learn and retain is to cultivate an attitude that celebrates my good. To grow an attitude that honors my successes and my struggles. I want to embrace my life - all of it. I want to recognize that even when I feel down and out, even when I feel lost and low, that that is still a chance to rejoice in this amazing gift that I have been given.
I believe that every life experience that comes our way, every bump in the road, every blimp on the radar, every hurdle, every rise and every fall or blazed trail, every hit or miss; all of it shapes us. All serves to enrich us. But so often when bad things happen, we are so busy focused on the calamity of the situation that we can't see the good. Bad things happen. Each of us are burdened by sorrows and tragedies. We who live, suffer. We lose loved ones and sometimes even ourselves. Pain etches its name upon our soul. Hearts can be irrevocably broken. Our minds can falter and decay. Anger can stifle the beauty of who we are. And we can let those wounds fester and infect until what once could have been an opportunity for growth and beauty becomes an ugly scar upon our own humanity.
I've been thinking a lot about attitude lately. I don't always have the best attitude. I can be surly and rude. I can be condescending and obnoxious. To put it bluntly; I can be a real bitch. But I take some comfort in knowing that this applies to everyone else in existence too. I'm not alone in my wretchedness!
We can often let our attitude be the focus of our corresponding behavior. I HATE working on beautiful days because it sucks to be stuck in doors. Miss Sucky will bemoan the fact. She resents being tethered to a desk and telephone cord and glued to a computer screen. This can make for a grumpy Sally - and that ain't a good thing for anybody! Miss Awesome, however, appreciates that she at least has a window from which to gaze upon a day full of blue shies and sunshine. She appreciates that she has a job which provides her an income and therefore a home she loves and a lifestyle that she can enjoy. I am blessed.
Sometimes it is hard for us to recognize our blessings. Sometimes, we feel like we have to go searching for them. Yet most of the time they are right there in front of us, if we would but choose to see them. It's time to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. This doesn't mean that i can't have moments where I am Miss Sucky- but it should mean those moments become fewer and shorter! It's time to focus on all that is right and good and wonderful in my life, rather than invest energy in what is not. Life can get in the way of recognizing all our good. We can get in the way of recognizing all our good. So the lesson I am trying to learn and retain is to cultivate an attitude that celebrates my good. To grow an attitude that honors my successes and my struggles. I want to embrace my life - all of it. I want to recognize that even when I feel down and out, even when I feel lost and low, that that is still a chance to rejoice in this amazing gift that I have been given.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
judgement
I have come to a decision about my life. I'm going to stop letting people walk all over me. I'm going to allow myself to be free and not live under unrealistic obligations. I'm going to listen to what is right for me, and do what is right for me in every situation i face. I'm going to stop feeling pressured by myself and by those around me. I'm going to walk my own path and not get stuck in the ruts of others expectations. I'm going to put ME first, at least once in a while.
I'm not very good to myself. Even though I declare this to be the "year of the Sally," it still has been very much the year of everybody else. My focus has been on how to make those in my life feel happy and safe and free and yet I often have to suppress my true thoughts or feelings. Why do I do this? Why do any of us! three small words come to mind: To avoid conflict.
I don't want people to dislike me, or feel like I am judging them for the choices they make. But judging is also a part of human nature. I avoid it like the plague, but I'm guilty of it just the same. And I have been judging people. Not in what they do or things they say or how they live their lives, but in how I think they judge me. I keep people at bay, passing judgment on how I think they'll perceive me. Which makes me think- when we judge people are we really judging them or does it come back to how we feel about ourselves? Maybe everything we do or think about others is, in actuality, a truer reflection of how we think and feel about who we are.
just something to think about
I'm not very good to myself. Even though I declare this to be the "year of the Sally," it still has been very much the year of everybody else. My focus has been on how to make those in my life feel happy and safe and free and yet I often have to suppress my true thoughts or feelings. Why do I do this? Why do any of us! three small words come to mind: To avoid conflict.
I don't want people to dislike me, or feel like I am judging them for the choices they make. But judging is also a part of human nature. I avoid it like the plague, but I'm guilty of it just the same. And I have been judging people. Not in what they do or things they say or how they live their lives, but in how I think they judge me. I keep people at bay, passing judgment on how I think they'll perceive me. Which makes me think- when we judge people are we really judging them or does it come back to how we feel about ourselves? Maybe everything we do or think about others is, in actuality, a truer reflection of how we think and feel about who we are.
just something to think about
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Choices
I don't generally watch the news. Mostly because I seldom watch TV,and I work until 8pm, but there is also something to be said for the depressing nature of the majority of mainstream news stories. But today I found myself at home, with no internet (it's a new house and we are still waiting...as patiently as one can in this world of me and now!) and a poor selection of channels to surf. So I stumbled across an early news broadcast and thought I might as well see what was happening out there in the world. One short news article later, I was done and thoroughly dejected. The story was about how the body of an elderly woman was discovered in her home. Eight years after she had been deceased. Eight years and no one had missed her.
The thought that someone can live a lifetime, die and not be missed is not just depressing, but truly hideous. Sadly it says a lot about the way she lived her life, and about the way our society takes care of each other. Or to be more blunt- doesn't take care of each other.
How does one live to be almost in their eighties and not have anyone notice their death? It gets me worried. I mean, potentially this could happen to me. It won't obviously, because I am Miss Awesome, but Miss Sucky is freaking out just a smidge! What made this woman get to her 79th year and not have a friend or family member in all the world to check up on her? How could she have spent all those years on this earth and be forgotten?
None of us want to be forgotten. We want to leave an indelible mark on at least one person. Well I know I do! I feel so sad for this poor woman who must have lived as she died...alone. I don't know the circumstances surrounding her death or her life, but can only imagine that it must have been a lonely existence if she lay there on her bedroom floor, decaying for eight years and no one was any the wiser. It is a powerful lesson in how tragic life is when we live only for ourselves.
So my thought for today is this: To live a life that matters. Not just to me but to those around me. Life is not about closing yourself off to the world and shutting people out. I know what it's like to want to walk away from humanity. I have been so deeply wounded at times that I have considered becoming a hermit. I'm totally serious, which for those that know me would think a ridiculous notion and one that I would be incapable of sticking too. It is true that I am a social butterfly and I thrive with human contact but I understand the sometimes insatiable need to run away from all things human because sometimes the world is a dark and scary place. It's a defense mechanism to withdraw from people when we are hurting. Life hurts sometimes. It really does. Life creates pain and chaos and sometimes etches deep wounds into our hearts and minds. But to pull away from people, from all that this world has to offer us because of pain, creates a mentality of victimization and cultivates hearts that were never meant to grow hard. We do ourselves a disservice by sounding a long term retreat.
We know nothing about this woman's life. I don't know why she had no family or friends or even neighbors that noticed she was missing from their lives. What a lonely existence she must have forged for herself. One where she belonged nowhere and to no one. As a single woman it gives me pause to think. But I know that her fate need not be my own, nor be any ones destiny. Life is a series of choices. I choose to live life. I choose to make people an important part of my life. I choose to not be a victim but to take the knocks and curve balls and pain and become a better Miss Awesome. Life is not a game but it does require activate participation. I choose to participate. How about you?
The thought that someone can live a lifetime, die and not be missed is not just depressing, but truly hideous. Sadly it says a lot about the way she lived her life, and about the way our society takes care of each other. Or to be more blunt- doesn't take care of each other.
How does one live to be almost in their eighties and not have anyone notice their death? It gets me worried. I mean, potentially this could happen to me. It won't obviously, because I am Miss Awesome, but Miss Sucky is freaking out just a smidge! What made this woman get to her 79th year and not have a friend or family member in all the world to check up on her? How could she have spent all those years on this earth and be forgotten?
None of us want to be forgotten. We want to leave an indelible mark on at least one person. Well I know I do! I feel so sad for this poor woman who must have lived as she died...alone. I don't know the circumstances surrounding her death or her life, but can only imagine that it must have been a lonely existence if she lay there on her bedroom floor, decaying for eight years and no one was any the wiser. It is a powerful lesson in how tragic life is when we live only for ourselves.
So my thought for today is this: To live a life that matters. Not just to me but to those around me. Life is not about closing yourself off to the world and shutting people out. I know what it's like to want to walk away from humanity. I have been so deeply wounded at times that I have considered becoming a hermit. I'm totally serious, which for those that know me would think a ridiculous notion and one that I would be incapable of sticking too. It is true that I am a social butterfly and I thrive with human contact but I understand the sometimes insatiable need to run away from all things human because sometimes the world is a dark and scary place. It's a defense mechanism to withdraw from people when we are hurting. Life hurts sometimes. It really does. Life creates pain and chaos and sometimes etches deep wounds into our hearts and minds. But to pull away from people, from all that this world has to offer us because of pain, creates a mentality of victimization and cultivates hearts that were never meant to grow hard. We do ourselves a disservice by sounding a long term retreat.
We know nothing about this woman's life. I don't know why she had no family or friends or even neighbors that noticed she was missing from their lives. What a lonely existence she must have forged for herself. One where she belonged nowhere and to no one. As a single woman it gives me pause to think. But I know that her fate need not be my own, nor be any ones destiny. Life is a series of choices. I choose to live life. I choose to make people an important part of my life. I choose to not be a victim but to take the knocks and curve balls and pain and become a better Miss Awesome. Life is not a game but it does require activate participation. I choose to participate. How about you?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Birthdays
Yip. It's that time of year again. Party, presents, people and, in Miss Sucky's view, pain! I love my birthday. And I loathe my birthday. I know what you are thinking; You think that I don't like getting older! Well, it's not that I'm afraid of getting older that makes me loathe my birthday. My birthday is a badge of perseverance. I've made it thus far, through the storm and the dust and the clouds and the rain. I've survived this thing called life for another year, another day.
It's just that Miss Sucky likes to point out what I haven't done or how I haven't "made it"...again. Sometimes she can be bitchy enough to even suggest that there is nothing in my life worth celebrating... especially not turning another year older.
Miss Sucky can really dampen the mood. Like today, she's all sullen and blue moods about turning another year older with some major boxes still left unchecked. She doesn't feel old, she just feels she can't quite justify the celebration of ticking time when there is still so much to be done. So thanks to Miss Sucky, even though I think birthdays are worth the celebration, I'm also a teeny tiny bit afraid of them.
I'm afraid of what I have failed to accomplish and another year just brings all my 'failed to do's' fresh to mind. It's also hard to get to this point in my thirties and know that almost every person you tell your age to, will pass judgment. I don't have a house, a husband, a thriving career as a writer/actor, children to tuck into bed at night, or even a working car at this point! I know all this. Thanks but I really don't need the reminder. It's like when people tell you to "drive safe." Really? Actually, I WAS planning on driving like a maniac but now that you've mentioned it.... state the obvious!
People ask me things like "Don't you want to get married?" "Don't you want to have children?" Yes. And I also want world peace, an unlimited supply of money and a Porsche... that doesn't mean I will ever live to see world peace or rock around in my brand new Boxster outside of my dreams!
I do want to get married. But I also don't want to settle. Settling to me is worse than death, because you have to live with it. I know too many people who settle and suffer for the decisions they make based on fear or pressure or expectation. For some people settling is all they can to do to survive the world, but I am not one of those people. I long for something more and I know that I have what it takes to reach my goals. I can't afford to shackle myself to my insecurities or to settle for a life that does not make me feel complete. Truthfully, none of us can. But we so often do.
So I'm gaining another year. Miss Awesome is excited about that. She gets to continue her journey and who knows what might happen between this year and next. If I could turn back time (a trick I can actually perform once a year thanks to a little thing called daylight savings) I would probably aim for 25. It's the age where no one thinks you are too young to know what you are talking about, but not too old that you should know better. It's an age where it's OK to still be figuring things out. (When did we decide that we had to have things figured out?) Perhaps by my next birthday I can check a few more things off my list. And I'll have probably have added a few more to the list too. All I know is that I'm going to strive to count my blessings and enjoy each day. After all, it's not really the years in your life that matters but the life in your years.
It's just that Miss Sucky likes to point out what I haven't done or how I haven't "made it"...again. Sometimes she can be bitchy enough to even suggest that there is nothing in my life worth celebrating... especially not turning another year older.
Miss Sucky can really dampen the mood. Like today, she's all sullen and blue moods about turning another year older with some major boxes still left unchecked. She doesn't feel old, she just feels she can't quite justify the celebration of ticking time when there is still so much to be done. So thanks to Miss Sucky, even though I think birthdays are worth the celebration, I'm also a teeny tiny bit afraid of them.
I'm afraid of what I have failed to accomplish and another year just brings all my 'failed to do's' fresh to mind. It's also hard to get to this point in my thirties and know that almost every person you tell your age to, will pass judgment. I don't have a house, a husband, a thriving career as a writer/actor, children to tuck into bed at night, or even a working car at this point! I know all this. Thanks but I really don't need the reminder. It's like when people tell you to "drive safe." Really? Actually, I WAS planning on driving like a maniac but now that you've mentioned it.... state the obvious!
People ask me things like "Don't you want to get married?" "Don't you want to have children?" Yes. And I also want world peace, an unlimited supply of money and a Porsche... that doesn't mean I will ever live to see world peace or rock around in my brand new Boxster outside of my dreams!
I do want to get married. But I also don't want to settle. Settling to me is worse than death, because you have to live with it. I know too many people who settle and suffer for the decisions they make based on fear or pressure or expectation. For some people settling is all they can to do to survive the world, but I am not one of those people. I long for something more and I know that I have what it takes to reach my goals. I can't afford to shackle myself to my insecurities or to settle for a life that does not make me feel complete. Truthfully, none of us can. But we so often do.
So I'm gaining another year. Miss Awesome is excited about that. She gets to continue her journey and who knows what might happen between this year and next. If I could turn back time (a trick I can actually perform once a year thanks to a little thing called daylight savings) I would probably aim for 25. It's the age where no one thinks you are too young to know what you are talking about, but not too old that you should know better. It's an age where it's OK to still be figuring things out. (When did we decide that we had to have things figured out?) Perhaps by my next birthday I can check a few more things off my list. And I'll have probably have added a few more to the list too. All I know is that I'm going to strive to count my blessings and enjoy each day. After all, it's not really the years in your life that matters but the life in your years.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Step Out
Have you ever watched a butterfly hatch out of its chrysalis? There is a struggle in this rebirth, one that the butterfly must go through alone in order to be strong enough to fly. As a child, I wanted to help the butterfly out of its cocoon, but my help would have led to its certain death. It needed to find its own way out if it wanted to survive. Life can be a bit like that for all of us. Sometimes we have to let other people fight their own battles and find their own truth. That's not to say that we can't offer our support, our love, even our knowledge and personal experience. But we can't walk the road for them. Each of us has to do that part alone.
Life can be an arduous journey and a difficult road. It’s filled with pot holes, hill slides, debris, raging rivers and gentle meandering pathways. And while we can walk the roads together, ultimately, we are alone. So why do we invest so much time and energy in worrying about what others think about us?
I would hate to calculate the lost years I have spent in anxiety over what other people think of me. Truthfully, it shouldn’t really matter. But it does, doesn’t it! Because deep down, within all of us, there is that small child wanting approval, striving for recognition and craving love. This year, in my year of embracing my awesomeness, I am also hoping to shake off the things which have kept me bound to a lesser life. Most of the time, these shackles are self-imposed. I probably imagine other people’s expectations are greater than they really are. I probably think that I factor in peoples minds more than I really do; which is kind of a self-centred way of looking at people if you think about it. I’ve been so caught up wondering what other people think of me when in truth they are probably doing the exact same thing.
It’s time to break out of own our bindings and live the life we were destined for. I’ll use my kindred spirit as an example. He is my best friend, and probably one of the few people who know me almost as well as I know myself. He is one of the most honest people I know, but for years he had denied a part of himself, who he was and is, all the while living in the shadows of all he should be. My kindred spirit recently shared some news with me. I was the first person he shared this news with and it was an honour for me to be there as he took that first step on his road to embracing himself as a whole person. Call it 'coming out' or 'stepping out,' what my friend did was acknowledge that he was living a life that was tainted by half truths and hidden deceit. As he has acknowledged who he is, I have witnessed a metamorphosis of a man who was enslaved by expectations and fear to one who is free. It's been a beautiful thing to watch. Life is a journey to self-discovery. And not just in the discovery of who we are, but how we can be the best of ourselves. But we can’t be the best of ourselves without stepping out into who we are.
I have been smart enough (alright, more likely just lucky enough) to surround myself with people who inspire me in some way every day. My closest allies are those whom I know encourage me to walk my own path and they give me the courage to step out and let the real me shine through. I only hope that I do the same for others. My kindred spirit has been an instigator in setting me free. His love and total acceptance of who I am, regardless of whether I am channelling Miss Awesome or subjecting the world to Miss Sucky, has meant that I am much more settled and much more confident in showing the world who I am. It’s given me the security to step into who I should be. He encourages me, but ultimately, it’s up to me to travel the road. Just like the butterfly, who must use its wings to find the strength to fly, I must use my inner tenacity to achieve my dreams and live my life being true and awesome and whole.
Life can be an arduous journey and a difficult road. It’s filled with pot holes, hill slides, debris, raging rivers and gentle meandering pathways. And while we can walk the roads together, ultimately, we are alone. So why do we invest so much time and energy in worrying about what others think about us?
I would hate to calculate the lost years I have spent in anxiety over what other people think of me. Truthfully, it shouldn’t really matter. But it does, doesn’t it! Because deep down, within all of us, there is that small child wanting approval, striving for recognition and craving love. This year, in my year of embracing my awesomeness, I am also hoping to shake off the things which have kept me bound to a lesser life. Most of the time, these shackles are self-imposed. I probably imagine other people’s expectations are greater than they really are. I probably think that I factor in peoples minds more than I really do; which is kind of a self-centred way of looking at people if you think about it. I’ve been so caught up wondering what other people think of me when in truth they are probably doing the exact same thing.
It’s time to break out of own our bindings and live the life we were destined for. I’ll use my kindred spirit as an example. He is my best friend, and probably one of the few people who know me almost as well as I know myself. He is one of the most honest people I know, but for years he had denied a part of himself, who he was and is, all the while living in the shadows of all he should be. My kindred spirit recently shared some news with me. I was the first person he shared this news with and it was an honour for me to be there as he took that first step on his road to embracing himself as a whole person. Call it 'coming out' or 'stepping out,' what my friend did was acknowledge that he was living a life that was tainted by half truths and hidden deceit. As he has acknowledged who he is, I have witnessed a metamorphosis of a man who was enslaved by expectations and fear to one who is free. It's been a beautiful thing to watch. Life is a journey to self-discovery. And not just in the discovery of who we are, but how we can be the best of ourselves. But we can’t be the best of ourselves without stepping out into who we are.
I have been smart enough (alright, more likely just lucky enough) to surround myself with people who inspire me in some way every day. My closest allies are those whom I know encourage me to walk my own path and they give me the courage to step out and let the real me shine through. I only hope that I do the same for others. My kindred spirit has been an instigator in setting me free. His love and total acceptance of who I am, regardless of whether I am channelling Miss Awesome or subjecting the world to Miss Sucky, has meant that I am much more settled and much more confident in showing the world who I am. It’s given me the security to step into who I should be. He encourages me, but ultimately, it’s up to me to travel the road. Just like the butterfly, who must use its wings to find the strength to fly, I must use my inner tenacity to achieve my dreams and live my life being true and awesome and whole.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
In Sickness and In Health...In Sickness
This week my body has compelled me to long periods of time with it. Alone. Now, this is not to say that I don't already spend a lot of time with my body. It's not like it vacations in St. Barts while I check out the sights of San Diego! Me and my body are inseparable, just like everyone else. But you get used to running around doing your thing, you know, a little thing we like to call life when WHAM! your body nails you. That's been my week.
On Monday, I was feeling fantastic! I was perky, I was playful, I was dancing in strawberry fields...you get the idea. I was gooooood! Then, at about 3.45pm (give or take- I didn't document the exact moment it occurred) a small herd of elephants decided to leave the Serengeti and instead set up residence on my chest. By the time my shift finished a few hrs later my voice had gone AWOL and breathing had become an art form.
The Doctors visit the next day confirmed the obvious. Yes, I was sick. A chest infection had formed an alliance against me and now it was up to my body and the many drugs the doctor had given me to head off the attack.
It's now Saturday and I'm over the self-imposed solitude. And for the first time in days, the pangs of hunger indicated that perhaps it was time to eat. I had tried foraging a few times with limited results. Now as I ransacked the kitchen once more I realized that it was the mall or the remnants of the peanut butter jar. I found some cheese in the fridge which gave me false hope at first. Till I looked at it. Covered in mold (and not the good kind) and the expiry date (let's not go there) suggested this cheese would not be eaten by me or anyone else. (Note to self: At least try to look in the fridge once in a while!) So with moldy cheese and peanut butter as the deciding factor there was no choice but to get out of the house.
I had avoided the mall for the following reasons. Firstly, I hate the mall, especially on the weekends. It's loud and crowded and I detest those little shops that aren't really shops, you know the ones where you avoid making eye contact and pretend to be deaf (or on the phone) in the vain hope they won't accost you trying to sell hand cream or hair curlers or other nonsense as you try to make your way past them. The mall would be full of boys with Beiber haircuts, giggling pre-teen girls and babies who cried altogether too much for my liking. The second reason was because I really don't like the selection of food at the food court. I'm trying to eat healthier so McDonald's and KFC were out. That left Sushi and fish and chips (allergic), roast meals (I make better ones myself for less cost) Indian, Kebabs or Chinese. I almost always choose Indian because its my favorite food in the entire world. But I wasn't in the mood for Indian. Problem was, I wasn't in the mood for anything. So, I went, knowing that I should eat, but not really wanting to. Even my stomach grumbling showed signs it was in need of nourishment. But when I got there, nothing looked appetizing. I waited, expecting my tummy to groan approval at something, anything. Nothing excited the palate. Nothing got my mouth watering. Nothing made my stomach roll around in eager anticipation. I was on my own. This wasn't good. Frantic texts to trusted sources. "Pizza" "Turkish" came back the response. My tummy disagreed. Eventually I went with Chinese. Noodles, vegetables and sweet and sour chicken. It was like eating rubber. Probably worse. The vegetables, which had looked lush and inviting on the plate were old and dull in my mouth. The sweet and sour chicken was neither sweet nor sour, simply blah and the noodles should have just been ashamed of themselves.
Which brings me to my point: Did my disappointment stem from the food being generally bad, or did I expect it to be bad and thus create my own outcome? Was the food bad because my taste buds are still on hiatus or is that all one can expect from a food court foray? I gave up after a few mouthfuls. My stomach grumbled. "You choose next time then." I inwardly scolded it.
Guess I'll be eating that peanut butter tonight after all.
On Monday, I was feeling fantastic! I was perky, I was playful, I was dancing in strawberry fields...you get the idea. I was gooooood! Then, at about 3.45pm (give or take- I didn't document the exact moment it occurred) a small herd of elephants decided to leave the Serengeti and instead set up residence on my chest. By the time my shift finished a few hrs later my voice had gone AWOL and breathing had become an art form.
The Doctors visit the next day confirmed the obvious. Yes, I was sick. A chest infection had formed an alliance against me and now it was up to my body and the many drugs the doctor had given me to head off the attack.
It's now Saturday and I'm over the self-imposed solitude. And for the first time in days, the pangs of hunger indicated that perhaps it was time to eat. I had tried foraging a few times with limited results. Now as I ransacked the kitchen once more I realized that it was the mall or the remnants of the peanut butter jar. I found some cheese in the fridge which gave me false hope at first. Till I looked at it. Covered in mold (and not the good kind) and the expiry date (let's not go there) suggested this cheese would not be eaten by me or anyone else. (Note to self: At least try to look in the fridge once in a while!) So with moldy cheese and peanut butter as the deciding factor there was no choice but to get out of the house.
I had avoided the mall for the following reasons. Firstly, I hate the mall, especially on the weekends. It's loud and crowded and I detest those little shops that aren't really shops, you know the ones where you avoid making eye contact and pretend to be deaf (or on the phone) in the vain hope they won't accost you trying to sell hand cream or hair curlers or other nonsense as you try to make your way past them. The mall would be full of boys with Beiber haircuts, giggling pre-teen girls and babies who cried altogether too much for my liking. The second reason was because I really don't like the selection of food at the food court. I'm trying to eat healthier so McDonald's and KFC were out. That left Sushi and fish and chips (allergic), roast meals (I make better ones myself for less cost) Indian, Kebabs or Chinese. I almost always choose Indian because its my favorite food in the entire world. But I wasn't in the mood for Indian. Problem was, I wasn't in the mood for anything. So, I went, knowing that I should eat, but not really wanting to. Even my stomach grumbling showed signs it was in need of nourishment. But when I got there, nothing looked appetizing. I waited, expecting my tummy to groan approval at something, anything. Nothing excited the palate. Nothing got my mouth watering. Nothing made my stomach roll around in eager anticipation. I was on my own. This wasn't good. Frantic texts to trusted sources. "Pizza" "Turkish" came back the response. My tummy disagreed. Eventually I went with Chinese. Noodles, vegetables and sweet and sour chicken. It was like eating rubber. Probably worse. The vegetables, which had looked lush and inviting on the plate were old and dull in my mouth. The sweet and sour chicken was neither sweet nor sour, simply blah and the noodles should have just been ashamed of themselves.
Which brings me to my point: Did my disappointment stem from the food being generally bad, or did I expect it to be bad and thus create my own outcome? Was the food bad because my taste buds are still on hiatus or is that all one can expect from a food court foray? I gave up after a few mouthfuls. My stomach grumbled. "You choose next time then." I inwardly scolded it.
Guess I'll be eating that peanut butter tonight after all.
Friday, June 17, 2011
we don't live by feelings alone
Life is not just about what happens to us. Stuff happens to us all day long. Boring, normal, everyday stuff; life is full of it. But it’s not only what happens to us that shapes our life. It's also in how we handle what happens. When we’re winning it feels like we are unstoppable. Those are the moments where we do our victory dance and shout aloud our brilliance from the rooftop. But then life doesn’t happen just when we’re winning. It happens when we’re losing too. It comes at us hard and fast, un-relentless and moving a mile per millisecond. What defines us is not the situation but our reaction, our action (or inaction) to what we are facing.
Life often feels like one giant character building exercise to me. And it's not always appreciated. Some days, when I’m already down for the count, I wish that there was a magic wand, a fairy godmother or a genie that could make all my problems disappear. It would be amazing if I could rub a lamp and poof…erase my money woes and be able to go back to school. But that is not the world we live in. My world is rough and complicated and stormy waters. I long for smooth sailing and pleasure and ease handed to me on silver platters. I want my life to be easy.
Or at least I think I do.
In theory the idea of having it all seems perfect. In truth, having put your own blood and tears and sweat into something is much more satisfying than having it given to you at no personal cost. The world is full of selfish, self-centered people who have no true meaning of what life is and what it means to appreciate it. Now, I'm not suggesting that if you don't come from hardship, that you can't appreciate your life. But what I am saying is that more often than not, suffering builds character. It creates empathy and it influences our world view. We all suffer, in some way or another. My life has been relatively hardship free...in comparison to most. Yet there are situations that I have had to face which have been defining moments in building my character and molding me into the person I am today.
Miss Sucky wants to curl up under the weight of those moments and give up. Miss Awesome understands that they give her opportunity to learn something new about herself. I have had moments lately where I have truly felt like giving up. Where the world has beaten and bruised me and I have lost heart and hope. Emotions are incredibly powerful, but also potentially dangerous. If I abandoned myself completely to my emotions, I would have killed myself dozens of times before now (well once is all it takes, but you know what I mean.) I can't live by feelings alone, just as it is unhealthy to shut off all feelings altogether. But that’s what we do. We live by how we feel or stuff our feelings down deep inside. Some of us, like me, tend to wear our thoughts and emotions out loud. And some bury their feelings under layers of rock and silt in the belief that they’ll keep themselves safe by denying the existence of what and how they feel. Neither way is right or wrong, but both can be improved upon.
I’m learning to not be a slave to how I feel, or how others make me feel. But I’m also learning that it’s OK to embrace who I am. I am a sensitive girl. I care deeply. And I’m passionate as hell. I don’t want to become complacent or become used to mediocrity. I don’t want to hide who I am from anyone, including myself. Miss Sucky thinks that perhaps I need to dial it down, live in the shadows and ‘fit in.’ But Miss Awesome knows that I was never meant to fit any preconceived notion and that trying to do so is detrimental to my health and well being. And quite frankly, me not being me doesn’t do me or anyone else any favors.
Look at yourself. Really look. Go and stand in front of a mirror if you have to. What do you see? Not just externally, but internally. Do you recognize yourself? Are you living true? Are you being the best person you can be or are you trying to live up to the worlds ideals? I have spent years trying to make myself in another’s image. And by doing so, I have denied the glorious being that I am destined to be. I may not be perfect (by what the world judges’ as perfection.) I may not be a lot of things. But I’m not meant to be a lot of things. I’m just meant to be me. That’s all any of us can be. So maybe, we should stop trying to live our lives according to other people’s expectations and embrace who we are. That’s what I’m attempting to do. It’s going to be a lifelong journey, but reaching the destination as a complete and whole Miss Awesome seems a whole lot more satisfying then reaching it as a shadow of all I might have been.
Feelings are good and important and worth honoring...but we shouldn't be obligated to them or shy away from them...it's about finding somewhere in the middle and living openly to who we are....maybe the mystery of life isn't about what we can discover externally. Maybe it's about what we are willing to discover internally.
Life often feels like one giant character building exercise to me. And it's not always appreciated. Some days, when I’m already down for the count, I wish that there was a magic wand, a fairy godmother or a genie that could make all my problems disappear. It would be amazing if I could rub a lamp and poof…erase my money woes and be able to go back to school. But that is not the world we live in. My world is rough and complicated and stormy waters. I long for smooth sailing and pleasure and ease handed to me on silver platters. I want my life to be easy.
Or at least I think I do.
In theory the idea of having it all seems perfect. In truth, having put your own blood and tears and sweat into something is much more satisfying than having it given to you at no personal cost. The world is full of selfish, self-centered people who have no true meaning of what life is and what it means to appreciate it. Now, I'm not suggesting that if you don't come from hardship, that you can't appreciate your life. But what I am saying is that more often than not, suffering builds character. It creates empathy and it influences our world view. We all suffer, in some way or another. My life has been relatively hardship free...in comparison to most. Yet there are situations that I have had to face which have been defining moments in building my character and molding me into the person I am today.
Miss Sucky wants to curl up under the weight of those moments and give up. Miss Awesome understands that they give her opportunity to learn something new about herself. I have had moments lately where I have truly felt like giving up. Where the world has beaten and bruised me and I have lost heart and hope. Emotions are incredibly powerful, but also potentially dangerous. If I abandoned myself completely to my emotions, I would have killed myself dozens of times before now (well once is all it takes, but you know what I mean.) I can't live by feelings alone, just as it is unhealthy to shut off all feelings altogether. But that’s what we do. We live by how we feel or stuff our feelings down deep inside. Some of us, like me, tend to wear our thoughts and emotions out loud. And some bury their feelings under layers of rock and silt in the belief that they’ll keep themselves safe by denying the existence of what and how they feel. Neither way is right or wrong, but both can be improved upon.
I’m learning to not be a slave to how I feel, or how others make me feel. But I’m also learning that it’s OK to embrace who I am. I am a sensitive girl. I care deeply. And I’m passionate as hell. I don’t want to become complacent or become used to mediocrity. I don’t want to hide who I am from anyone, including myself. Miss Sucky thinks that perhaps I need to dial it down, live in the shadows and ‘fit in.’ But Miss Awesome knows that I was never meant to fit any preconceived notion and that trying to do so is detrimental to my health and well being. And quite frankly, me not being me doesn’t do me or anyone else any favors.
Look at yourself. Really look. Go and stand in front of a mirror if you have to. What do you see? Not just externally, but internally. Do you recognize yourself? Are you living true? Are you being the best person you can be or are you trying to live up to the worlds ideals? I have spent years trying to make myself in another’s image. And by doing so, I have denied the glorious being that I am destined to be. I may not be perfect (by what the world judges’ as perfection.) I may not be a lot of things. But I’m not meant to be a lot of things. I’m just meant to be me. That’s all any of us can be. So maybe, we should stop trying to live our lives according to other people’s expectations and embrace who we are. That’s what I’m attempting to do. It’s going to be a lifelong journey, but reaching the destination as a complete and whole Miss Awesome seems a whole lot more satisfying then reaching it as a shadow of all I might have been.
Feelings are good and important and worth honoring...but we shouldn't be obligated to them or shy away from them...it's about finding somewhere in the middle and living openly to who we are....maybe the mystery of life isn't about what we can discover externally. Maybe it's about what we are willing to discover internally.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sometimes...
Life doesn't always go according to plan. This is a fact. And it sucks. Sometimes life leaves you wanting and sometimes it leaves you sprawled out on the ground in a big chaotic mess of misery. Sometimes, I really don't like my life. I don't like existing at all. Sometimes I wish I was nothing more than a dream, concocted out of imagination and faded away before any memory could take hold. But I'm here and this is now and really happening. And I should be more grateful about it!
In truth, I am totally grateful for the burden of being. I love so much about my life but those things can often be overshadowed by the all consuming reality of what life throws my way. Sometimes we are so caught up in everything we don’t have that we fail to appreciate all that we do. Miss Sucky is particularly good at focusing her energies on her ‘have not’s.’ And when you do that, when you spend all your time being aware of what you don’t have, you can’t savor what you do.
We need to take the blinders off and recognize that life is beautiful. We know this when things are going our way; it's just a lot more difficult to remember when things are not. We all have our moments when the Miss (or Mr.) Sucky comes out and we only see the decay not the decadence. I have my low moments when I feel completely abandoned, hopeless, helpless, unloved and unlovable. Where nothing I do or think or say seems to work in my favor. That’s Miss Sucky’s mindset and it’s not always easy to avoid, or overcome. But I need to remember that even as Miss Sucky, I have everything going for me. But on those dark and dreary days when it feels like the only thing going for me is a one way ticket to despair, it’s hard to remember that.
My mission lately is to adjust my focus, cultivate an attitude of gratitude and stop being so busy focusing on what I haven't yet achieved and start honoring all that I have thus far accomplished. I have survived heartaches and heartbreak, false friends and dreams that have not quite materialized. And I have been abundantly blessed with a kindred spirit, a family that supports me and living a life that has more opportunity than most people in this world will ever get. Miss Awesome knows how amazing her life is. She just has to get that through Miss Sucky's somewhat thick skull!
So the goal this week, and quite possibly forever, is to rejoice in what I have and what has come my way so far. To appreciate my successes that can’t always be measured. Now this isn’t to say that I’m going to vegetate on my couch and cease all visions of what I want my life to be. No, I will still be a dreamer. I will still hold on to what I think I should be doing with my life and work towards achieving that goal. But I’m gonna cut myself some slack. I’m going to stop letting Miss Sucky dictate to me about all my failings and allow Miss Awesome to congratulate me on my life thus far. I’m a pretty lucky girl.
In truth, I am totally grateful for the burden of being. I love so much about my life but those things can often be overshadowed by the all consuming reality of what life throws my way. Sometimes we are so caught up in everything we don’t have that we fail to appreciate all that we do. Miss Sucky is particularly good at focusing her energies on her ‘have not’s.’ And when you do that, when you spend all your time being aware of what you don’t have, you can’t savor what you do.
We need to take the blinders off and recognize that life is beautiful. We know this when things are going our way; it's just a lot more difficult to remember when things are not. We all have our moments when the Miss (or Mr.) Sucky comes out and we only see the decay not the decadence. I have my low moments when I feel completely abandoned, hopeless, helpless, unloved and unlovable. Where nothing I do or think or say seems to work in my favor. That’s Miss Sucky’s mindset and it’s not always easy to avoid, or overcome. But I need to remember that even as Miss Sucky, I have everything going for me. But on those dark and dreary days when it feels like the only thing going for me is a one way ticket to despair, it’s hard to remember that.
My mission lately is to adjust my focus, cultivate an attitude of gratitude and stop being so busy focusing on what I haven't yet achieved and start honoring all that I have thus far accomplished. I have survived heartaches and heartbreak, false friends and dreams that have not quite materialized. And I have been abundantly blessed with a kindred spirit, a family that supports me and living a life that has more opportunity than most people in this world will ever get. Miss Awesome knows how amazing her life is. She just has to get that through Miss Sucky's somewhat thick skull!
So the goal this week, and quite possibly forever, is to rejoice in what I have and what has come my way so far. To appreciate my successes that can’t always be measured. Now this isn’t to say that I’m going to vegetate on my couch and cease all visions of what I want my life to be. No, I will still be a dreamer. I will still hold on to what I think I should be doing with my life and work towards achieving that goal. But I’m gonna cut myself some slack. I’m going to stop letting Miss Sucky dictate to me about all my failings and allow Miss Awesome to congratulate me on my life thus far. I’m a pretty lucky girl.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)