Wow- it's been ages since I have written in here- almost two months! So this is my first post for 2013. Truthfully, I haven't been in much of a mood to write anything too scathingly honest. I needed a break from exposing myself to the world. In the last post I wrote about expectations and the importance of setting them down and not having any. Of course, this is a large challenge...as life tends to be. It is far easier to SAY than DO. But actions speak louder than words, even though I, as a wordsmith am wont to admit this. Take Exhibit A for example. Exhibit A used beautiful words to coerce me into a sense of freedom and acceptance. They painted pictures of a grandiose future and loving present. However the actions of Exhibit A in the past two months (Yes, this is no coincidence that my non writing and their non action occur in the same time frame) do not even come close to backing up the words that flowed so easily. I felt duped. Worse, rejected. I free fell into an abyss and discovered that I was, yet again, alone. (Cue sad music here). The betrayal I felt left me raw. The loss of all that had been before and what might have been etched fresh wounds. Thoughts swirled in my mind that sought to destroy the very framework of my soul. But this agony of loss has been embraced (yes, somewhat begrudgingly to begin with) and the result has turned out to be a good thing. Exhibit A may have broken my heart, but he has not defeated it. It has become a catalyst for me to remember what I am fighting for. And who I am and wish to be. I could choose to let my hurt define the next few chapters of my life in a negative way, but I only wound myself further. There will no doubt be an impact on some of my decisions and interactions that will be tied into that swirling fear of self doubt and love denied, but I refuse to spend the next days, months, even years with little respite.
When we are broken; by others, by life, by expectations and dreams not quite made manifest, it is easy for us to feel that it is all too much to handle. That life is just this unfair game we are forced to play out. Dark thoughts can creep in and add to the weight of your despondency and color your world in tones that further dampen your soul. I love my mind...but I know it's power. There have been moments where I have let it run off on a tangent and then had to work hard to reign it back in when it found pathways that shot off to long forgotten crawl spaces in the dark recesses within. The mind is beautiful but it doesn't always have your best interest at heart. It knows your fears so well, even better than you do sometimes, and will exploit them for it's own amusement. Well, that is true for my mind. Hopefully you fair better! The past two months have been a breeding ground for rampant thoughts and weeding them out. I am glad to say that I am on the winning side. I have made the decision that I will not let this freshest heartache hold me down or keep me small. I won't bow down to that rising voice of fear and uncertainty. Good things can ALWAYS come out of hard situations. And no situation is untenable if we can just have the courage to see beyond our gaping wounds and see an opportunity for growth. A diamond only exists because of the pressure it was under as coal. A Butterfly undergoes a metamorphosis that forever will change its earlier perception of the world. Change is the constant of the universe. We either learn to roll with it, even when we feel out whole world has imploded, or we settle for a life less lived. I embrace change, even when I KNOW it's gonna hurt or force me to step outside of my comfort zone, because I believe that I am worth it. Exhibit A has been another recent reminder that my life matters and that I should make whatever time I have here count. And I guess that's the message for each of us to consider; We can choose to stay bound to our regrets and rejections and refusals and let that fester into our souls so that we never know true freedom or happiness or we can choose something more. We can choose to take our pains and disappointments and use that to propel us into a fuller existence.
There is no mistake that my friend Marco named this blog for me...he wanted it to serve as a reminder of how so many of my friends see me and how I need to see myself...that I am awesome! Don't let those moments when it feels like you are sucking to be the truth of how you see yourself. (or at least don't wallow too long in that moment). You are awesome; not sometimes, not on special occasions, not just on every second Tuesday, you are ALWAYS awesome. So hold onto that. And when your brain starts to fire back at you all your deepest fears and insecurities find a way to hold onto that small and simple truth: That life always offers you choices, even when it feels there are none. You may not be able to prevent something horrible and tragic and heartbreaking from happening but you CAN control your responses to the events that unfold around you. Ultimately all we can do is make the choice to continue to be broken by life's events or raise our heads up and choose to learn, grow, and let go. I know the choice I prefer....are you brave enough to do the same?
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