Expectations

Expectations. You shouldn't have them. Simple as that really. So just stop it. Now. Seriously! Stop with all the expectations already! You're making yourself miserable because quite frankly, can anyone ever live up to them? think about that for a minute.

I've worked out that the source of many of life's misery begin and end with expectations. We suffer under the weight of them. We cripple ourselves and force others to be less than who they were meant to be. And for what? Ultimately, ego. I've been thinking about the expectations I've willingly or otherwise chained myself to. I expect, maybe even demand, things of myself and others that i have no right or reason to. It's human nature. I know this. We are always wanting more than what we have. But expectations will kill ya every time.

Now, I am not talking about the everyday little expectations that make the world go round. Those little expectations like the bus showing up (eventually) or the 6 o'clock news actually starting bang on 6pm. No, I'm talking more about those expectations that fester up in our mind and settle there. THOSE expectations. Like - other people are just like you. NO ONE ELSE IS LIKE YOU. This is a marvelous truth but hollow reality.

No matter how much we feel connected to someone, anyone, everyone, ultimately, the journey of ,life is our own. Life is a lonely experience. God, that sounds depressing doesn't it? I don't mean it in a negative way, rather that it is an observation i have made. For my experience of life is colored by its events and my personality and so many tiny factors which remain forever unique to me. When it comes right down to it, its amazing we function so well together, all things considered. Perhaps it is because we are alone we can identify with this thing we call the human condition.

I have been thinking about expectations of late. More importantly, not holding onto them. Those expectations that are unnecessary and will only cause you pain. I have been in a bit of a mental state of disarray in the past couple of months and one of those areas that I have been dealing with is in the area of expectations. Or perhaps, more to the point, the importance of not being so self absorbed that we forget that other people have lives going on too. I am not the self centered type...BUT I have decided to invest more of my energy and time into me the past few months and it has led me to learn A LOT about myself...but it has also made me become a bit too self involved. And to be honest...I don't do self involved very well at all. I have been miserable. Which obviously, is going to suit Miss Sucky just fine. She likes it that way. She likes it when I'm not at the top of my game and all 'woe is me.' But Miss Sucky is just the small part of me that feeds my insecurities and fears. And guess what? She is never going to win! Because I am Miss Awesome....and so are you (or Mr, Mrs, Ms, Dr, Lord....whatever; you get the point). We are allowed to have our sucky moments...they keep us real, they keep us human. But we should never allow our sucky moments to become the be all and end all of our existence. i am digressing from my point about expectations here...but i like tangents so I'm going with it.

My recent bout of the "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME's" has made me realize that I do have the capacity to be as completely self absorbed as anyone else. This has come as a shock as i have spent a lifetime deliberately avoiding opportunities for 'selfishness.'  It's also been a treasure trove of opportunity for self discovery and forgiveness. And for letting go of preconceptions and expectations. It's also been somewhat of a severe bitch slap back into reality (which believe me, with the illogical side of me that has been rearing its ugly head for weeks now, is not a bad thing!)

Do I think i'm perfect? NO WAY! I'm under construction and every day life presents new opportunities for me to gain insight into who I am and the woman I want to be. Some of these lessons are easy and enjoyable - you know the type; those "AHA" moments. Some of the lessons are a lot more painful and require some serious thinking and some long hard looks at myself. I have found that I have been lacking in valuing myself. It is time for me to remember the self love i once had. It is time to be kinder to myself and yet not become complacent. It is time to let go of all those hurts and let downs from past relationships and experiences and embrace them for the opportunities they were to know myself. I am forever changing and it's a wonderfully terrifying and freeing experience. So i guess, where I am going with this, is just to encourage you, that even while the road might be hard right now, there is so much good that can come from it. That even in our most lowly and Sucky of moments, that there resides in us all that basic truth of each individual...That we are Awesome.

So I am letting go of all of those expectations I have about myself, my dreams, my desires and those around me. I am letting myself live truthfully in each day and embracing a new found sense of just how awesome I truly am. It's been a hard road...this concept of embracing the awesome being you are and knowing that you are still awesome even when you feel like you are sucking. It's a conscious decision that i choose to make.
I could go back to talking about expectations, but i don't think i need to. I'm just gonna close this post by saying that for the first time in a really long time i feel a peace. It may be short lived ( I have likely jinxed it :p) but I am embracing this new feeling of who I am. And I choose to see myself the way my friends and family and colleagues do- as an awesome woman because that is my truth. It's yours too, if you are willing to believe it :)