from caterpillar to butterfly

Butterflies are natures perfect example of the beauty of adapting to change. It's pretty amazing if you think about it;  to start off as one thing and become something else entirely, or to become the best version of yourself. I've been thinking a lot lately about change and adaptation.  In life, we are constantly challenged with change. Opportunities abound for self discovery, reflection, adjustments. But sometimes, we get so caught up in the pain of our circumstances that we forget to enjoy the moment. Yip, I said enjoy the pain! (This is the word we use when we can't find other words to identify what it is we are going through. So we call it suffering and hope that it will pass over us before long.) If we are being completely honest here, pain is one of life's greatest teacher. It is an expert into our psyche. It allows us to recognize our strengths and hone our weaknesses. It pushes us to look beyond the surface stuff, right down to the nitty gritty. And yes- sometimes it is a big ugly, gaping mess that stares right back at us. But this is good. I would even say great. Why? Because in order to be all that we can be, we must be willing to move beyond our hurts, our fears and our expectations. We have to confront ourselves, and that is not always a very easy thing to do. But it is so worth it!

One cannot become a butterfly without first changing. And this is where I think the existence of caterpillar's and butterflies are a valuable life lesson.They are a blueprint for humanity. We all start off as a caterpillar and through hard work and a lot of inward focus that struggle pays off as we re-emerge as a butterfly.

IF we are willing to do the hard yards to get there!

It's a struggle for a caterpillar to create a cocoon and then re-emerge a butterfly and it's not something that just happens...the caterpillar has to do the work required to meet their destiny. We forget this. Partly, because we live in a society where "I want it now" has become our mantra and we are always searching for a "Universal quick fix." Well guess what folks...a quick fix is usually nothing more than a band aid. And sooner or later, we all have to face those inner demons we try to squash down into the dark recesses of our hearts and minds if we truly want to live.

We can only stay a caterpillar for so long, feeding off the world around us. There comes a point where we need to bring the focus inward and face who we are and gauge it against who we want to be.

I call this the 'cocoon' stage

The cocoon, to me, represents a time of inward focus. A time where we look towards our own self, our truth, and discover who we are and where we want to go. And embrace it. I have been challenging myself to acknowledge some areas in my life that I have left hidden, buried by time and circumstance. Or areas that I have deemed too painful to traverse or let others into and so have cordoned them off as 'impassable.' In this journey of self discovery I have become acutely aware of some monsters I thought I had long destroyed (or at least smashed for a while). These monsters include a deep seated fear of rejection and self hatred. Miss Sucky, as you can imagine, has been having a field day! The last month has left me emotionally bruised as old wounds have flared up in new encounters. Never one to shy away from an opportunity to grow, Miss Awesome has plunged head first into the fray...not even waiting to dip her toes into the water. My mind, an ever growing battlefield, has wreaked havoc. Old insecurities have mounted an attack that has left me shell shocked and this glorious, over imaginative, always thinking, mind of mine which is always ready to harvest a field of irrational internal monologues that feed into these deepest of insecurities, has made me feel betrayed and wholly undone. It's been a beautifully raw and real experience. And while the struggle is not a whole lot of fun, this discovery of who I am, and learning to love myself again is totally worth every excruciating second.

One of my biggest discoveries of late: hard truth; a fear of being loved! I knew that I had a fear of being unloved, but was surprised to realize the fear of being love was always seated there. Which made me realize something further:  I actually hated parts of myself. I had no real conscious idea how much control Miss Sucky had over some areas in my life. It makes me sad to consider the energy that I have invested in my own demise. I have entertained thoughts that bring death not life, bring cowardice not courage bring me down and not let me soar. I have hurt myself while I have been busy esteeming others, loving others, valuing others. But you can't truly love, respect or value other people if you don't really feel that way about the one person you are always with..yourself. So my cocoon period has been about me taking the time to look within. To recognize the awesomeness that is Sally. To love myself and to accept the love that has roared into my life. To boldly step out into who I am so that I can soar as I was always meant to do.

Most people who know me will think they I am already soaring...and in some aspects I am. (after all I AM Miss AWESOME! :p ) But I think we are at different times, encountering all three parts of a caterpillars journey....we can be the caterpillar, cocoon and butterfly all at the same time, but in different areas in our life. Right now, I am in a transitional stage where my growth is acknowledging my fears and pushing past them. This is my cocoon. This is my sum of all fears. This is my opportunity to fear less and hope more. To be the woman I already am.

I have some amazing people in my life who have become my advocates, cheerleaders, teachers. As I step forward to face these fears, I am surprised (and delighted) to find that I am not as alone as I first thought. There are people around me, watching me grow, watching for the chrysalis to hatch and for me to emerge a stronger, healthier version of me. Knowing I am loved, actually and really honestly, loved! has given me a sense of security. It's both freeing and terrifying. And I wouldn't have it any other way. For I have found my heart and my heart has given me hope. He has challenged me and inspired me and encouraged me to be as I am, right in this moment...which to be honest, there have been many moments of late where I have felt like a blubbering mess that would be better off locked up in an asylum.  Finding someone who just gets me and accepts me so completely (and vice-versa) has given rise to my fears and this has given me a chance to do battle with them once and for all.

And peace settles, like golden rays dipped across dark waters and I feel the shift. The cocoon is unraveling. My thoughts change their direction as I no longer give into those negative patterns that weigh me down. It's time to fly.

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