The Plan

Things aren't necessarily going according to plan. But I console myself with the knowledge, that at least, I have a plan in place, which is a good starting point. This whole 'plan' business is quite a stretch for someone like me- I'm unstructured, people rather than goal orientated, and easily distracted by bright and shining new objects. I have plans, dreams, goals...it's just that I haven't really known how to go about successfully pursuing those things. I like to think that I am a woman of action, and sometimes that is exactly what I am. Except when I am not. It could just be my wishful thinking here, (cause let's face it, I am secretly hoping that everyone's life is just as screwed up as mine!) but I think most people will be able to identify with me a little. Of course it's highly possible that I am indeed the ONLY person who does not have my entire life all together in perfect harmony...but I know people, and quite frankly we all suck sometimes and it's that knowledge that gives me hope that I am not the only person to feel like they are faltering on the runway to their success.

"Alright," you say, "Are you actually going to get to a point Miss Blonde? Or are you just going to ramble along incessantly, creating some of the world's longest, jimble, jumble of sentences along the way?"

I guess my point is this: I've spent a lifetime avoiding making a "plan" because I saw it as an enemy to my success. Actually, the only enemy to my success has been ME and my unwillingness to stretch forth my hands, to step out and present to the world who I am and all that I can be. Have you ever done that? Acted small and insignificant cause you mistakenly thought you were? Have you stopped yourself from going places (and I don't mean by car, train or other modes of transportation) or taken yourself out of the running by not even getting involved in the first place? I've done that more times than I am probably aware. I have been content to wallow in my dreams rather than chase them.

The past year has been a huge learning curve for me. It's been full of small successes and some great pains. I've taken steps forward and then fallen back. But that is life. It's fluid. It's full of moments of greatness intermingled with agony. One day can be nothing but sunshine and glee, the next, a darkened room full of haze and mirrors.

I've been learning to make a plan...not just a general wanting, but an actual plan that will yield results. Some days the plan works in my favor, and other times it feels like a big waste of space and effort. At the moment, some things are not going according to plan. But then most of those things are the expectations and "plans" other people think i should have. And that's the other thing I am working on- trying to stop focusing on what other people anticipate my life should be. I'm focused on what I really want and working out ways to make that happen. It's scary, let me tell you. But I think that life should be a little scary. I think when we stop challenging ourselves, stop putting ourselves out there, stop learning and growing and moving forward, we become stagnant. This to me is a fate worse than death. In fact, kill me, please, if I reduce myself to nothing more than being complacent. That's not part of the plan. And while its in slow motion at the moment, I know that at least I am on my way. And maybe, if I can truly learn to stop fighting myself, I might actually get there; to the end of this plan. Just in time to start a new one all over again.