we don't live by feelings alone

Life is not just about what happens to us. Stuff happens to us all day long. Boring, normal, everyday stuff; life is full of it. But it’s not only what happens to us that shapes our life. It's also in how we handle what happens. When we’re winning it feels like we are unstoppable. Those are the moments where we do our victory dance and shout aloud our brilliance from the rooftop. But then life doesn’t happen just when we’re winning. It happens when we’re losing too. It comes at us hard and fast, un-relentless and moving a mile per millisecond. What defines us is not the situation but our reaction, our action (or inaction) to what we are facing.

Life often feels like one giant character building exercise to me. And it's not always appreciated. Some days, when I’m already down for the count, I wish that there was a magic wand, a fairy godmother or a genie that could make all my problems disappear. It would be amazing if I could rub a lamp and poof…erase my money woes and be able to go back to school. But that is not the world we live in. My world is rough and complicated and stormy waters. I long for smooth sailing and pleasure and ease handed to me on silver platters. I want my life to be easy.

Or at least I think I do.

In theory the idea of having it all seems perfect. In truth, having put your own blood and tears and sweat into something is much more satisfying than having it given to you at no personal cost. The world is full of selfish, self-centered people who have no true meaning of what life is and what it means to appreciate it. Now, I'm not suggesting that if you don't come from hardship, that you can't appreciate your life. But what I am saying is that more often than not, suffering builds character. It creates empathy and it influences our world view. We all suffer, in some way or another. My life has been relatively hardship free...in comparison to most. Yet there are situations that I have had to face which have been defining moments in building my character and molding me into the person I am today.

Miss Sucky wants to curl up under the weight of those moments and give up. Miss Awesome understands that they give her opportunity to learn something new about herself. I have had moments lately where I have truly felt like giving up. Where the world has beaten and bruised me and I have lost heart and hope. Emotions are incredibly powerful, but also potentially dangerous. If I abandoned myself completely to my emotions, I would have killed myself dozens of times before now (well once is all it takes, but you know what I mean.) I can't live by feelings alone, just as it is unhealthy to shut off all feelings altogether. But that’s what we do. We live by how we feel or stuff our feelings down deep inside. Some of us, like me, tend to wear our thoughts and emotions out loud. And some bury their feelings under layers of rock and silt in the belief that they’ll keep themselves safe by denying the existence of what and how they feel. Neither way is right or wrong, but both can be improved upon.
I’m learning to not be a slave to how I feel, or how others make me feel. But I’m also learning that it’s OK to embrace who I am. I am a sensitive girl. I care deeply. And I’m passionate as hell. I don’t want to become complacent or become used to mediocrity. I don’t want to hide who I am from anyone, including myself. Miss Sucky thinks that perhaps I need to dial it down, live in the shadows and ‘fit in.’ But Miss Awesome knows that I was never meant to fit any preconceived notion and that trying to do so is detrimental to my health and well being. And quite frankly, me not being me doesn’t do me or anyone else any favors.

Look at yourself. Really look. Go and stand in front of a mirror if you have to. What do you see? Not just externally, but internally. Do you recognize yourself? Are you living true? Are you being the best person you can be or are you trying to live up to the worlds ideals? I have spent years trying to make myself in another’s image. And by doing so, I have denied the glorious being that I am destined to be. I may not be perfect (by what the world judges’ as perfection.) I may not be a lot of things. But I’m not meant to be a lot of things. I’m just meant to be me. That’s all any of us can be. So maybe, we should stop trying to live our lives according to other people’s expectations and embrace who we are. That’s what I’m attempting to do. It’s going to be a lifelong journey, but reaching the destination as a complete and whole Miss Awesome seems a whole lot more satisfying then reaching it as a shadow of all I might have been.
Feelings are good and important and worth honoring...but we shouldn't be obligated to them or shy away from them...it's about finding somewhere in the middle and living openly to who we are....maybe the mystery of life isn't about what we can discover externally. Maybe it's about what we are willing to discover internally.