Mind Control

This week has been one of those weeks where I am making progress and standing still all at the same time. Kind of how I imagine a hamster must feel racing around on one of those wheels inside a cage. (You know this is serious when you liken yourself to a hamster!) There have been moments this week where Miss Sucky seems like a distance memory, and then WHAM! she surfaces and puts Miss Awesome in a headlock. Some days, being me is a fine line between hope and helplessness. The years of self hatred that I've inflicted upon my heart, mind and soul have become like a city peopled with disgust and disappointment. But hope, like an insurgent, is slowing breaking through and breaking down and re-establishing the truth of me. Self-hatred burdens you with a skewered view of who you really are. Sometimes, you are so in the thick of it, that you cannot see that you are running headlong into a trap of your own making. Now, I know that we all suffer from a little self-loathing from time to time. It is part of what makes us human. But, it should be something rare and infrequent. Like an out of town visit with those relatives of yours that make you cringe to acknowledge the same blood runs through your veins.

As part of the 'new and improved' Sally (which is really nothing new- just embracing my awesome self) I have drawn up a battle plan to search out and destroy every last snippet of self-hatred that lurks in the recesses of my heart and mind. Now I am no General or Admiral, Corporate or even Private...but I am a warrior (not to be confused with a worrier! *_*) And I figure that if I can stand up for the underdog, or rise with such passion on behalf of my family and friends, then perhaps I can make a stand for myself too. So here is my battle plan: Stop listening to that dude in my head which freaks out every time I compliment myself. In fact, boot him out of Sally Ville once and for all! It's time to tell him "Pack ya bags, get on ya bike, and ride off into that grand old sunset and take ya luggage with ya!"

The next step is to bulldoze down the raised statues of inferiority, insecurity and insignificance. Grind them into dust and build instead monuments of my self worth.

The third step is to line up all the lies and beat them into oblivion. WHAM! Take that despicable me! POW! malevolence! KABOOM! To you self-contempt!

There are other battle formations that I am applying as Miss Awesome battles it out for total control. Miss Sucky is scared to let go of her self-hatred because its been what she has known for so long. She worries that if she lets it go, that people will think she has become too cocky, too self assured and that the pendulum will have swung too far. But Miss Awesome understands that it isn't about what other people think. It's about what SHE thinks, about herself. We can't control the thoughts of others (although some people think we should be able to!) and the things they think about us. Some people will love and adore you, and recognize the treasure within, and some people will not. One way or the other- let it go! It really doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you. Ultimately, our self worth comes not from others, it comes from ourselves. The hint IS in the name people!

So Miss Sucky can put Miss Awesome in a thousand headlocks if she wants. It's not going to stop Miss Awesome from breaking free and re-developing the fertile land of her mental and emotional terrain. It's time to change the landscape in there. Strip everything back to the foundations and redesign my mind. We are all the grand architects of our own thoughts. What are your thoughts declaring you to be?