Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Generally, I'd say I'm pretty damn good at spotting a falsehood. But in the age of technology, it's getting easy to master the art of deception. And there's no where it seems more rampant than on dating sites. I "met" the man of my dreams on such a site...initially suspicious to the core by online dating, I had only signed up on the site to alleviate boredom. I never anticipated falling in love, or having my heart broken by an online Lothario. I'm a smart cookie, sentimental and emotional yes, but I was sure that I wouldn't be easily swayed down the same path I had watched so many others go; like lambs to the slaughter, their hearts about to be trampled on and easily discarded. I'm Miss Awesome, so surely any guy worth my time will be a guy who sees that? I truly believed I found him... but all I found was a broken person who seems to have relished in the delight of almost breaking me. I realized that this man, whom I had thought I had known so well, and had given myself to so completely, was no more than a figment of my own imaginations. He lived, he breathed, he existed in the real world. But he did not exist in mine. In five months, he promised me a lifetime and yet, couldn't even give me one day. Loving him as deeply as I did and losing him was a painful lesson in self love. It's never easy to get your heart karate-chopped to the ground, but despite the agony of my brokenness, I do not regret loving him. For loving him made me happier, it made me healthier and ultimately, loving him, helped me fall in love with myself. It's been a hard lesson learned though. There have been days where knowing that he existed in the world and we would never be together made life without him seem pointless. But time is a soothing balm to all wounds and it is only with time that my mind has been able to get a better perspective than my heart ever could.
There were warnings signs, of course, that Mr Awesome was really not. But love, as the old saying goes is blind. It's also pretty darn stupid! Call me naive, but I prefer to think of myself as someone who believes in the best in someone always. I will search out the light in anyone- even if it seems there is none to be found. I choose to believe that people are good, even in a world that contradicts that belief every day. So I ignored the warning signs that my beloved was not as wonderful as he portrayed himself to be. They were small, and looked at on their own seemed somewhat insignificant. Now, when viewing them as a collective whole, it seems so glaringly obvious that this was only a game and he had never really loved me at all. That's a painful realization to come to; that I could love and yet not be loved. But it really speaks more about his character then it does mine. For "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." I was willing to do something that he could or would not do, and that was to give myself in love to another person. There is nothing more fearless than that. And that's what makes me "Miss Awesome" in this situation; because I recognize that loving someone with no conditions and no restraints is a strength not a weakness.

So, as a public service, here are my "warning signs" that Mr.Awesome might in all actuality really be Mr. Sucky.

1)His name is not online: My boy never had anything in his real name (and I use the term, "real name" loosely here, because let's face it, I don't even know if that much is true!) His skype and hotmail addresses were under nicknames. Even the voice mail on his phone was just the standard message- no personal greeting of any kind. He was ungoogle-ble; not one scratch of evidence to his true identity surfaced, even after hours of online searching. (I know that makes me sound like a stalker, but after wards I got curious) And he doesn't have face book? REALLY? I never quite bought that one- a 35yr old guy doesn't have facebook? Maybe if he was living in the 12th century that excuse might wash!


2)He won't tell you where he works: Now this one started off as a game...he wanted to make me guess by giving me clues. But then he would never tell me if I was right or wrong and would laugh every time I said that the game was no fun anymore and I wanted to know where he worked. I never did find out- so I'm skeptical that he really did do the job he claimed he had.

3)He was "away on business:" When he first told me he was away, he said it would only probably be a few weeks, but he wasn't sure...five months later and the guy was still 'away on business.' My friends are all convinced that he had never even left the city, let alone the country. I hate to concede that they may be right, but they probably are.

4)His web cam doesn't work: Now girls...and boys, this is a major sign that I stupidly overlooked in my infatuation. A broken web cam for a couple of nights is one thing....but if they always make an excuse as to why its still broken (and I even looked up his web cam and how to install it correctly and troubleshooting tips and emailed him the link from two different address to ensure he got the info, and he STILL didn't 'get around to it!' Ugh- I am hitting myself now even as I write this- its so obvious, I just chose to ignore it)then they are definitely hiding something.

5)He tells you that he sent you pictures and emails and you never received them: My boy said he sent me a video message that was a half hr long- to my phone! Now, I might only be acting like a tech support in my day job, but even I am not dumb enough to fall for that one. Who in their right mind would attempt to send a video that is that long to a phone! And since when does hotmail not work? If I can get spam, then messages from people in my contact list should sail through.

6)He'll send you pictures...but not of his face: yeah I think you know where I am going with that one...enough said! Although I'd just like to point out that it is interesting that out of all the pictures he sent me the ones I never received were the ones of his face. (yeah, don't worry, I am kicking myself again here too!)

7) A lot of technical problems: We had constant trouble with skype and calling and texting on our cell phones. I mean incredibly bad problems. So i attempted to keep communication open via emailing and posting on the site where we met. The one time he emailed me back- it was under a different name (which I was able to Google and I am still confused to this day about it.) He post me back on the site saying he missed me, but had lost his phone, or left it someplace or give some reason why it had been several days since we had last talked. (Man, I really was blindly in love with this Don Juan wannabe!)

There are bound to be more signs emblazoned across the sky that I misread or simply ignored. It's a little embarrassing to share these signs and now as I read the above over I'm almost pondering NOT sharing them. But these are the things we do when we love sometimes. Life gives us opportunities to learn and grow and change everyday and in every situation that comes our way. Some days our awesome selves will win. Other times, our sucky side kicks in and plays us into the ground. But we have to be willing to pick ourselves up, dust the crud off our clothes and carry on knowing that Miss Sucky might be in control today, but Miss Awesome will be back on top tomorrow. Or hopefully in five minutes. Or even now.... If there is a lesson to be learned here (and there always is folks) it's that one should always be open to every opportunity and especially to love... But if it smells like a fish, it probably is.